I’ve heard you can tell a lot about a person by playing a round of golf with them. Besides the number of ‘Mulligans’ they take when they think no one is looking (think Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack), the corresponding increase in profanity, bent clubs, and diminishing disposition as the strokes add up are pretty telling.
The fact is, we don’t always react the way we would like to in each situation.
Have YOU ever been disappointed with yourself after reacting poorly or uncharacteristically to a situation? Perhaps something caught you completely off-guard or you were already on ‘your last nerve’ stressing about work, politics, or other disappointments in your life. Let’s be honest here…when was the last time you waved at someone in traffic using just your tall finger because they were driving like a jackass? How dare they ride your bumper or spike their brakes (perhaps because you were riding theirs?). Don’t they know you’re in a hurry? Don’t they know who you are?
What about blowing up at one of your kids or a co-worker in absolute overreaction when they asked an innocent question or simply did something harmless at the wrong time?
I think I’ve made commendable progress in my reactions over the last few years, but I still have plenty of moments. I admire those people who are perpetually easy-going and seemingly unflappable. Cool as a cucumber. It bothers me a little that I maintain composure in chaos and excel in stressful or challenging situations, yet I can fly off the handle in response to ridiculously unimportant events and minor infractions.
I don’t know if negative reactions are rooted in a sense of entitlement, a quest for justice, simple anger, or a combination, but I do know it’s been an issue throughout history. The Bible provides many warnings against lashing out in anger. One such admonishment tells us not to repay evil for evil; to live peaceably; not to avenge ourselves, but to give place to wrath (Romans 12.17-19). Another reminds us to be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath (James 1.19).
One of the lessons I remember most about actions and reactions came during a hockey game while playing in a men’s league several years ago. It wasn’t the typical scenario you might think…everyone knows who invariably gets the attention of the referee (and the penalty) in sports like hockey: it’s the person who retaliates!
My lesson didn’t come from a penalty, although there should have been one called! It came in the form of a cheap shot, a payback, my reaction, and the lesson in humility that followed.
The cheap shot: I was skating along minding my own business, trying to be where a Winger should be on the ice. It had been a long time since pond hockey, but I was average at best and still fairly proficient at checking myself into the boards and tripping over the blue line. It was a league where some just wanted to have fun and others thought they should be getting paid. This was never clearer to me than when I went careening to the ice following a blindside cheap shot. I was angry and embarrassed, but elected not to come up swinging. A small (and short-lived) victory.
A payback: I skated with some great players; former Junior hockey and NCAA types. One of them had the kind of slap shot I envy…one that travels with such velocity it keeps rising until it hits the net, or something else in its path. On this night that something happened to be Mr. Cheap Shot. I doubt it was coincidence that my friend unleashed his wicked slap shot in perfect synchronicity to dickweed’s path of travel. It was a thing of beauty, striking center mass. The impact was so powerful it doubled him over with a loud gasp and caused his abrupt return to the bench in a crumpled heap.
My reaction: Having been the recipient of a slap shot or two, I was aware the pain he was in. Yet being the small man that I was, I didn’t pass up the chance to skate by him en route to his bench and smugly ask, in top passive-aggressive form, “How’d that feel?”. Not my best moment. Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, I felt bad. But not that bad.
The lesson: I’m pretty sure we won. In fact, I think it was a playoff game and I had even scored one of the few goals of my lackluster career. I should have felt good. As I drove home, a late-night radio evangelist was on and I’ll give you one guess what his topic was. You guessed it…actions versus reactions. Coincidence? More like providence. I was quickly humbled and reminded that it’s often my REACTIONS rather than my actions that cause me the most trouble. My reaction was petty and disappointing. Instead of humbling myself and reaching out in compassion to a fellow human being in pain, I chose to take paltry satisfaction in his pain because he embarrassed me. But it shouldn’t matter what he had done. Those were HIS actions, and I don’t have control of those. But I do have control of mine.
I allowed my reaction to override the much more important action I should have taken…that of turning the other cheek (see Matthew 5.38-40).
Here’s a few more ideas that might help us react differently.
- Count to 10 before reacting
- Be humble
- Be merciful
- Be gracious
- Be gentle
- Be courteous
- Conduct yourself with a healthy amount of propriety
- Ask yourself if this is really going to matter five years from now
Next time you’re tempted to react out of anger or in a manner you’ll soon regret, remember the lesson of a 3-inch, 6 oz. hard rubber disc traveling around 100 mph. In moments you feel like you’re under attack, try extending kindness, love, and understanding instead of setting up a hasty defense.
You might be pleasantly surprised with being pleasant.