Diversity & Inclusion

Bad Days & Perspective

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I’ve been a little under the weather the last couple of weeks, which is no surprise considering it seems the actual Michigan weather has been under the weather lately!  Unfortunately, it has taken a toll on my motivation and my fitness routine.  Combined with the resurrection of some painful memories and events I have worked hard to leave behind, I’ve been tempted to deep-dive into a quagmire of self-pity.  I even considered throwing a party in its honor.  You guessed it…a pity party.  Then during a review and update of my recommended reading list here at Beyond Strength, I was reminded of a very important concept concerning bad days and keeping things in perspective.  Which leads me to this post; a simple review of the book Escape from the Box – The Wonder of Human Potential by Col. Edward L. Hubbard USAF (Retired).

In November 2009, I had the opportunity to be in the audience and eventually meet former Vietnam Prisoner of War (POW) Colonel Ed Hubbard after he spoke at a military conference I attended in Texas.  The majority of the content of his presentation followed information and experiences contained within his book Escape from the Box – The Wonder of Human Potential (1994).

Escape from the Box was an eye-opening and inspirational book that I found a quick, entertaining, inspirational, and captivating read.  Colonel Hubbard arranged his book in three parts: Human Potential, The Price of Success, and Let Me Try.  He sets the stage for where he will take the reader in the human potential section.  Not only does Colonel Hubbard detail the circumstances of being shot down and ultimately captured after, as he puts it, he “…very cleverly intercepted a couple of surface-to-air missiles…” with his airplane over North Vietnam (p. 29), but he also reveals important details about his attitude and character; personal traits that would help him survive as a POW, and other characteristics that he would ultimately need to address in order for him to endure the over six and a half years of his captivity.

Colonel Hubbard shares many experiences from captivity that he and other Prisoners of War came to use as opportunities for learning and survival.  He makes a point not to share many of the more graphic details of the types of things that he and other prisoners endured, but instead illustrates how he came to appreciate and rely on things like faith, pride, courage, hope, and even competition to sustain him throughout his imprisonment.  He does an excellent job of relating lessons he learned and attributes of his character he applied to his situation in a way that demonstrates that anyone has opportunity, should they so desire and commit, to make “incremental improvements” in their lives.

Considering the years that have passed since the first edition of this book was published, some of what Colonel Hubbard writes about is almost prophetic.  He painstakingly (and often satirically) points out how the military will be required to do more with less because of decreasing personnel and resources.  And while certainly not a unique concept, he speaks candidly and un-affectionately (my words) about the number of so-called leaders who constantly make excuses why something can’t be done, while standing in the way of those true leaders who are actually doing it.

Throughout the book, Colonel Hubbard stresses the importance of listening, accountability, adapting to our changing culture, the power of attitude and enthusiasm, and so much more.  I found this to be an excellent book on life and leadership, which also served to pique my interest in researching more POWs and other combat veterans of the time to learn about their experiences, and how I can apply their lessons learned to my own leadership development and self-improvement.

Early in his book, Colonel Hubbard actually sums up nicely one of my primary take-a-ways from this reading, and one that I now try hard to live out: “Now is the time to stop talking about whether we can do things.  Now is the time to start talking about ‘How soon can we start and how soon can we finish?’” and “How can we do the job with the resources already available?’” (p. 39).

It reminds me of a quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”  The longer we make excuses and simply talk about doing what should be or needs to be done, the longer it takes to get it done – if it ever does.

Colonel Hubbard’s book is already included on Beyond Strength’s recommended ‘reading list’ page, along with books by a number of other POWs and combat veterans.  And I add to the list regularly.  I highly recommend you put this book on your personal list of things to read.  In fact, I think I have an extra copy I will gladly send to the first person expressing interest, either by email or comment to this post.  Copies are also readily available for purchase online.

This great American knows more about bad days and perspective than most human beings will ever know.  Please take time to learn more about him and his story here:

http://www.edhubbardpow.com/

Hubbard, E. L. (1994).  Escape from the box: the wonder of human potential. West Chester, PA: Praxis International.

 

Heroism – The Absence of Self

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Admittedly, I have been struggling with what to write about this week.  Not that I don’t have dozens of themes rattling around in my head at any given moment and even more already written down just waiting to be refined into existence when the time is right.  But outside a loose plan to eventually dedicate certain topics to a given month, I generally find myself inspired in some unexpected way…usually by a current event or something dumb I’ve done recently (see earlier post ‘Irony or Incongruity?’).

Winter’s cold bite is holding on longer into spring than many think it should in Michigan, including me.  And running on the treadmill or elliptical just doesn’t have the same mind-clearing power that an outdoor run does.  And trust me when I tell you that I’ve needed some mind-numbing and mind-scrubbing the last six weeks or so.  So I ran outside today and that’s what I needed; as soon as the song ‘Heroes’ by Casting Crowns popped up in my playlist, I knew.

It’s pretty common to think of the less than one-percent of the population who serve in the military, others in the profession of arms, or firefighters and the like as heroes.  Justifiably so, in most cases.  In fact, I have a very good friend and mentor who, as a USAF Combat Controller, was part of the special operations forces participating in the Battle of Takur Ghar (Roberts Ridge); a deadly enemy encounter in Afghanistan during which seven Americans died and many others were wounded.  So significant has this man’s influence been on my life that a print of Keith Rocco’s painting “The Battle of Takur Ghar” hangs in my office in his honor, giving me the opportunity to tell others a small part of his story…one of courage, survival, and heroism.  But as I listened to the lyrics of the song, I was moved and reminded that heroism isn’t just about taking up arms to fight for others or running into a burning building.  It’s doing those everyday things, the little things and the big things, that make a difference.

She’s on her own, two girls at home
Thirteen years just up and walked away
And left her all alone
With bills to pay and mouths to feed
And every day she’s taking care of everybody else’s needs

But she’s finding her strength in the One love that won’t ever leave her
So she works and she prays and she loves and she stays ’cause they need her

These are the heroes, just ordinary people
Laying down their lives like angels in disguise
They’re weak but always willing
They dare to do the hard things
And in the dark and desperate places no one else goes
You’ll find the heroes

There are heroes walking among us every day…both the obvious types and the not-so-obvious types.  We often hear the term hero tossed around in sports, such as ‘heroes of the gridiron’; or when captivated by celebrities and business icons; and of course ‘super heroes’ who carried many a young person through tough times in old-school comics and have found new life in Hollywood re-creations that take our minds and hearts to another place for a couple of hours.  But there are other heroes…those fighting battles without and within.  Those who stand ready to do battle at home and abroad; or help those who cannot help themselves; or who remain loyal to their cause, even if that cause be simply to persevere with faith through dark circumstances in a dark world so that others may see something good.

I’ve heard it said, and have repeated it myself, that courage is not the absence of fear but rather it is the absence of self.  Norris L. Tibbetts perhaps put it better when he wrote “Heroes are those who are so interested in others that they forget about themselves.”  Easier said than done for many people, I expect.  The USAF Airman’s Creed states in part “…I am an American Airman…guardian of freedom and justice…my nation’s sword and shield, its sentry and avenger…I defend my country with my life.”  All other branch’s creeds state similar commitment and conviction.  Thousands of young men and women have given their lives in the cause for freedom and each Memorial Day we remember fondly, and with great sorrow, the sacrifice of every lost Soldier, Sailor, Marine, and Airman.  It is those courageous individuals, along with all others in the past and those still serving today, who stood toe to toe with our adversaries, offering themselves as shields for America to keep war from reaching our front door.  Each of them knew their duty and chose selflessness.  Let’s certainly not forget those heroes.

But let’s likewise not forget the ‘ordinary’ people who are heroes to many, or perhaps just heroes-in-waiting.

My daughter wrote a paper for school recently and named me as her hero.  It reminded me of a note she wrote to me as the holidays approached the year after I returned from Iraq.  In it she wrote “Daddy…I was really excited and relieved when I heard that you were staying home for CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!”   Like that note, I couldn’t read the hero paper without welling up with tears.  I was a wreck…I know the real me and how unworthy I am to be held in such esteem.  Yet to my daughter, I am a hero.  So whether you’re fighting crime, fighting the enemy, fighting debilitating disease, battling personal demons, or battling everything this world is throwing at you just to care for your children or family, remember that you are a hero to someone.  True love always involves sacrifice, and heroes aren’t afraid of sacrifice.  I challenge you this day, as German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche wrote long ago, “Throw not away the hero in thy soul.”

Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Matthew West

Heroes lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group

Be Your Best

I’m not a huge basketball fan…neither college nor professional.  But as I sit here watching the NCAA men’s national championship game, the ‘home town team’ having made a hasty and premature departure from the tournament, I realize that perseverance, dedication, and heart have all played large in determining the final two teams to wage battle for top honors.  It occurs to me, as it did watching the highlight reels of those many underdog-upset victories in the early rounds, it is in those moments that these young men are truly focused on being the best they can be.

As I traveled the state, country, and the world as a senior enlisted military leader talking to soldiers and airmen, a popular question I got was “what can I do/what do I need to do to get to where you are?”  My answer was always this: be the best you can be, wherever you are.  Be the best Soldier or Airman you can be.  Be the best cook or mechanic; the best medic or bomb loader; the best leader or follower.  That’s it.  You may or may not get that promotion you want or think you deserve; or maybe that you are more qualified for.  But when you work hard at being the very best you can be, wherever you are, you will be ready for the next opportunity when it comes along.  In the case of the Cinderella story superstars who broke the hearts and brackets of a whole lot of NCAA basketball fans, they were ready, and their time came.  But what if that opportunity never comes (unlikely as it may be), how bad is it, really, if you are simply YOUR VERY BEST wherever you are?

I believe at least three things are important to being the best you can be.  They are readiness, teamwork, and constant improvement.  For the sake of respecting your time and managing mine, I’ll give you the short version here…

Readiness: I once heard former director of the Air National Guard, Lieutenant General Sid Clarke, say that we consistently plan for things that never happen, and things happen every day that we never planned for.  To minimize those times when faced with things not planned for, maintain a breadth and depth of readiness to be as completely prepared as possible.  Be well read, well-traveled, well educated, and well experienced.  In other words, control what you can control by maintaining “the highest level of personal readiness”, as the United States Air Force Enlisted Force Structure articulates.  That’s the first order of business.

Teamwork: No one is an island.  Real teamwork is easily seen in successful sports programs.  A lack of same is equally as evident.  I heard Doctor Mark Evans of the United States Military Academy jokingly say “I expect you all to be independent, innovative, critical thinkers…who will do exactly as I say.”  It’s not just about you.  Take a moment and think about the last time you did something by yourself.  Check that…think of the last time you ’accomplished’ something meaningful or worthwhile by yourself.  It simply doesn’t happen.   We need each other.  That’s why many coaches and managers will gladly take a roster made up of unselfish athletes of ‘average’ talent who play with heart and put the team above their own ambitions over one with a superstar or two who never quite achieve synergy.

Improvement: Getting a little better in some way, each and every day.  Money master Dave Ramsey calls it baby steps and compound interest; Doctor Gary Smalley describes it as the power of one; radio personality Dr. Randy Carlson calls it the power of one thing; natural strong-man Stuart McRobert refers to it as progressive poundage; and former Vietnam Prisoner of War Ed Hubbard attributes ‘incremental improvements’ to achieving the wonder of human potential during captivity and beyond.  The point is to make constant improvement a habit and a lifelong commitment.  Strive for it…repeatedly. If you can go to bed each night reflecting on your day and identify even just one thing you did better than the day before, consider it a victory.  My goal is to do a little bit better each day, and improve myself and those around me along the way.  To leave the people I know, the things I borrow, and the world in general better than I found them.

I can best do that by always striving to be the best I can be, wherever I am and whatever I’m doing.

Get strong.  Be strong.  Stay strong.

 

Irony or Incongruity?

Incongruity (n): The state or quality of being incongruous.

Incongruous (adj): Not corresponding or conforming; at odds

Leave it to me to waste no time in creating new subjects to write about before I prefer to write about them.  In fact, I would prefer never to write about this.  And leave it to God to waste no time reminding me an important lesson about congruence in my thoughts, my talk, and my walk.  Yeah…well the Bible says in the Book of Acts “…I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man” (24:16).  Consider this post clearing my conscience.  Here’s the story…

If you read my previous post, you may have noted near the conclusion that I tied the discussion about giving and receiving compliments to leadership and the importance of being able to temper ‘criticism with positive affirmations or compliments’, and how a leader “should always strive to offset any criticism” by also delivering an “abundance positives.”  Man…that was some good stuff, right?

Unfortunately, despite talking about it (and usually doing a fairly good job of walking it, too), I promptly went to work the very next day and was a complete jack-ass in the way I handled a staff-work/ assignment related issue.  I was harsh, defensive, unkind, and quite frankly a dick in how I responded to one of my people who politely voiced some criticism.  Not that this makes it any better – it may actually be worse – but I knew it was coming.  It was just a matter of time before I blew up, and I should have done more to prevent it.  I was becoming increasingly stressed and under intense pressure from overloaded work and my inability to catch up.  I recognized that I was becoming edgy.  In speaking with people, face-to-face and through email, I was increasingly abrupt.  Where I typically stay cheerful, pleasant, light-hearted and even playful, I had pretty much lost all sense of that.  And I had lost my patience for people and things they did (or didn’t do in a couple of instances).  Regardless, I have always prided myself on being able to remain calm and even-keeled in in those situations.  But through a series of unfortunate events and work related disappointments, one pertaining to a missed long-time career aspiration, that I failed to adequately reconcile, it all added up.  And do you know what the sum was?  Zero.  Because that’s what I felt like.  A zero.

It was creeping in at home, too.  You know…that place and those people who are used to getting that side of you anyway.  Because it’s much easier to be a jerk to those closest to you, right?  Well, think of that.  And multiply it.  By a lot.

The worst part was, the blow up at work happened between me and the one person on my staff I’m probably closest to from a personal standpoint.  Considering the above paragraph, maybe I’m onto something here.  So what happened to the March 26, 2018 Beyond Strength post about “avoiding judgment and treating others with dignity and respect helps ensure that regardless of the situation or subject matter, relating to other humans by saying nice things to each other is a skill worth developing.”?  Well That’s Fabulous (WTF).

Former Vietnam Prisoner of War Lee Ellis writes in his book Leading with Honor that we should “allow people to utilize their strengths, which are different from yours, to complement your struggles, which are different from theirs.  Your respect for others will grow as you focus on their positives and take ownership of your struggles” (2012) (emphasis added).

So has your boss ever come into your office and literally gotten down on his or her knees and said “I’m really sorry”?  Well I did that.  I didn’t know what else to do in the moments following the crap-sandwich I had served up during the meeting.  But I knew how bad I felt about how poorly I handled the situation, and the pain I must have caused by lashing out that way.  I needed to apologize and to take ownership for what I’d done.  There’s no other answer.  In fact, I probably should have just spent the rest of the day crawling around the office on my knees apologizing to everyone, because I’m sure they could all hear me barking and no doubt saw first-hand what a tool I’d been lately.

It was my issue; my fault; my struggle.  I know that, and I take responsibility for it.  And while it’s been a little awkward around the office, it’s slowly getting better.  I hope with time it will be even better than it was before.  And I also hope with time I’ll stop doing stupid things so I can write about non-stupid things; or maybe stupid things other people did.  But I know me…and chances are pretty good we’ll be having a lot more talks like this.

Get strong…Be strong…Stay strong…

Ellis, L. (2012). Leading with honor: leadership lessons from the Hanoi Hilton. FreedomStar Media.

Complimentary Complements

In his book The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren writes “The dark side of the desire for approval is the fear of disapproval” (2002).  One of the reasons I am passionate about this Beyond Strength endeavor is to help me deal with some significant self-doubts and insecurities, as well as help others who struggle similarly.  So it seems fitting that one of the first subjects that came to mind as I contemplated early essays pertains to the subject of giving and receiving compliments.  While this might seem like a softball subject to write about in a life, leadership and fitness blog, I believe the ability to give and receive feedback is critical to effective leadership (which includes giving and receiving compliments).

I consider myself fairly adept at giving timely and sincere compliments, and providing meaningful feedback.  However, actually receiving compliments is another story.  In fact, I struggle in this area.  A lot.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy being complimented.  In fact, I’m sure that most people want to be noticed or appreciated, and don’t mind hearing about it when they are.  I think in my case, like many others, it has more to do with a general struggle with self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.

I have been told that I am overly critical of myself; that I beat myself up too much over mistakes I’ve made; that there is such a thing as being humble to a fault; and that I don’t have any reason to be self-conscious or insecure.  Yet those are all things I do and I feel every day.  And while I am working hard to examine my ‘back-story’ so as to better understand why I might feel this way (and find productive ways to fix it), it’s easier said than done to suddenly change into someone who is quietly confident or who openly “owns it” or “embraces it”…whatever “it” is.

I believe the theory that other people’s perspectives may help us understand more about ourselves.  In fact, that’s one reason I make a point to give a lot of compliments and positive affirmation to others – I want them to know how I see them.  But I struggle to accept the same.  It makes little sense, especially because of my personal neediness and strong desire to be affirmed by others.  I can’t speak for others who might wrestle with this, but in my case I believe at least part of my difficulty receiving compliments has to do with poor decisions, mistakes I’ve made in my past, or internal strife because of my thought life making me feel unworthy of any such praise.  I can also remember an instance several years ago where I was accused of being arrogant by someone who knew nothing about me and probably made that accusation out of their own insecurity.  It hurt me a great deal and has had a lasting effect on how I project myself to others – to the point of regular self-deprecation – perhaps in an attempt to be absolutely certain no one would ever think of me that way again.  So I deflect, minimizing or completely rejecting people’s genuine compliments.

But maybe there’s more.  Is it possible that the perspectives of people who resist compliments are undermined by having been hurt, heartbroken, deceived, or taken for granted by people close to them?  I believe when this happens, there is a defensive tendency to erect walls, remain emotionally guarded, or behave in other ways to distance ourselves, presuming it will protect us from future hurt.  Call it social self-sabotage, for lack of a better term.  The snowball grows as it gains momentum, and the problem is further compounded as skepticism, failing to be appropriately vulnerable and transparent in relationships, or not accepting compliments at face-value creep in as we fear being deceived and played for a fool.  The down-side, of course, is that it can lead to an outward projection of neediness; or on the opposite end of the spectrum, lead to relational coldness – when in reality, we are often screaming inside at the top of our lungs for someone to just tell us what we need to hear…that we are appreciated…that we matter…that we’re not worthless.

The giving and receiving of compliments is not only a complex social issue, but as pointed out earlier, it can be a delicate leadership issue as well.  Some leaders are masterful at critical feedback, but not so good at tempering that criticism with positive affirmations or compliments.  Not that I have this all figured out, but I do believe that a leader should always strive to offset any criticism – positive or negative – by also delivering an abundance of positives.  Everyone has positive attributes or things they do well.  It is wise to balance constructive criticism with positive feedback and compliments.  This approach helps both the giver and receiver better deal with the tricky subject of critical feedback and compliments.

In conclusion, the subject of compliments can be awkward enough on its own.  It becomes even more challenging when taking into account one’s ability to give or receive compliments may involve deep emotional complexities not known to the other party.  But like everything else in human relations, avoiding judgment and treating others with dignity and respect helps ensure that regardless of the situation or subject matter, relating to other humans by saying nice things to each other is a skill worth developing.  And so is appreciating when people say nice things about you.

Get strong…Be strong…Stay strong…

Warren, R. (2002). The purpose driven life: what on earth am I here for? Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

So begins this journey…

“We have only to follow the thread of the hero path. Where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outwards, we shall come to the center of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with the world.” -Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (as shared by Richard Rohr in Falling Upward).

Beyond Strength is where I begin to find myself again…