Settle Down

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If you didn’t see the video preview to this article, what came to mind when you first read the title? I imagine there is a wide range across the readership. Does that make ‘settle down’ an idiom? Homonym? Does it matter? I could have equally been referring to a command your grandma barked because you were being too rambunctious while Grandpa was dozing in his rocker, as much as to the not-so-veiled “time-to-start-a-family” reminders your parents start giving you around age 30 every time you visit.

I didn’t have settling down to start a family or stifling my hyperactivity in mind when this subject came to me. Rather, it was an unexpected, unsettled feeling that crept in and is lingering. Despite its inexplicability, I’ve become all too familiar with this feeling.

An important first step in learning to ‘settle down’ is identifying the factors contributing to this feeling. Honestly, it could be any number of things, including significant financial and physical hardships of people close to me or ongoing personal frustrations and uncertainty at work. As I’ve thought through possible root causes, a book I read some years ago came to mind that might explain a few other possibilities.

Uncharacteristically, I didn’t write the date I started it in the front cover, but a boarding pass still marks a page, supporting the possibility the book was an airline terminal purchase. It was June 2013 and I was headed to Washington, DC the day before my birthday. I was familiar with its author, Patrick Morley, from his impactful book ‘Man in the Mirror’ I read some years earlier. In this more recent book, Man Alive, Morley theorizes that a significant number of men are mired in mediocrity, stifling their natural energy by settling for lukewarm (he calls ‘half alive’) existences. In Man Alive, he provides insightful reasons and symptoms that speak to its truth – including feelings of restlessness. He offers practical ways to live a more fulfilled life by addressing what he calls “seven primal needs”. These, and perhaps still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, may explain at least some of the unsettled feelings that come and go in my life.

Morley uses the chapters of Man Alive to dig into ways to convert restlessness into fulfilled living by addressing these primal needs he lists in Chapter 1:

  1. To feel like you don’t have to do life alone
  2. To believe that God loves and cares about you personally
  3. To understand how your life has a purpose, that your life is not random
  4. To break free from the destructive behaviors that keep dragging you down
  5. To satisfy your soul’s thirst for transcendence, awe, and communion
  6. To love and be loved without reservation
  7. To make a contribution and leave the world a better place

As I looked these over for the first time since 2013, it was easy to recognize the primacy of these in my life. I likewise recognize how failing to properly address them could lead to restlessness or passivity. Or both.

I hesitate to end this article having you believe I’m somehow stuck in a perpetual quagmire of uncertainty or restlessness. That’s not the case. I’ve been blessed throughout my life with many opportunities that relate to the list, and overall I’m an optimistic, happy, and fulfilled guy! But I’d be lying if I told you I never feel alone; or that I don’t struggle with my thought life; or that I don’t sometimes still wonder about my true purpose.

Patrick Morley is clearly onto something. It’s also reasonable that some of what I’m feeling has to do with crossing through deep waters with others in my life. As Dr. Don Denyes of South Church recently said, ‘standing in the river’ speaks to the problems or challenges we face. He points out that maybe God allows the BIG problems in our lives to remind us we can’t handle everything ourselves like with smaller problems. I can fix a lot of things myself. But I can’t fix cancer, my mom’s dementia, or a host of other life-altering hardships faced by people close to me (and millions of others). Neither can I predict the future. But I can embrace the present, love unreservedly, help wherever & whenever possible, work unashamedly to determine & fulfill my purpose, and live by faith knowing God is ultimately the one in control.

Maybe you can, too.

To help you, I recommend either book mentioned, Man in the Mirror or Man Alive, and visiting Patrick Morley’s blog. If you are one of the first five readers to contact me either by email at [email protected] or comment to this post, I’ll send you a free copy of Man Alive (a donation toward shipping is appreciated but not required). I also recommend Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life.

I appreciate you joining me to find strength in weakness, improve, and make the world a better place. And I’d love to know your thoughts on other ways to ‘settle down’.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Morley, Patrick. (2012). Man alive – transforming your 7 primal needs into a powerful spiritual life. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

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How do you wake up? Mellow, sheepishly wiping the sleep from your eyes? Or do you come up swinging? I remember watching a friend gently try to wake his sleeping child. The boy jolted awake and promptly socked his dad right in the eye! Even well-intentioned stalk-climbers in every adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk knew it was a bad idea to wake the sleeping giant. And whether he actually said it or not, I expect Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto probably realized it was a bad idea, too.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to avoid jumping into the fray of sensitive current events. While divisive political subjects and polarizing social issues would no doubt help increase readership or a larger following, that’s not what this enterprise is about. Instead, I use this medium to take a positive look at life, leadership, and fitness in hopes of helping others and sharing common experiences. While the subject matter isn’t always happy and carefree, it is intended to provoke thought, prompt action, edify, encourage, and exhort readers to make positive change in their lives. In other words, to create beauty from brokenness and derive strength from weakness.

My reluctance to rouse the lying dog of political division or wake the giant of societal or organizational dysfunction doesn’t mean there isn’t something to be said for kissing a few frogs or awakening a sleeping beauty or two in our life, leadership, and fitness endeavors. So pucker up.

Life

Well over halfway through life on this side of dirt, I still don’t have it figured out. Selfishly I think that life’s not fair. No one said it would be…especially my mom. But if you’re like me you wonder when it’s your turn. I’ve worked hard my whole life and still don’t have a vacation home or lake house like so many others. And why do crooks, creeps, and the wicked continue to prosper? David Jeremiah put it this way in a recent Turning Points devotional. “God does bestow wealth on some of His servants, and their generosity has financed many of the great ministries that have changed the world. God also allows some of His people to live in humility, and their selflessness has also changed the lives of many people. Prosperity is no indication of righteousness, and poverty is not necessarily a virtue.”

Like Paul, I have been both in need and in plenty and am trying to be content in either. I work hard and strive to be responsible and practical. Yes, I’d love to reap a few more ‘comfortable rewards’ of that. But right now there are others in greater need, including some of my own loved ones. How dare I do nothing when I have the means to help? “Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well: keep warm and be well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (James 2.15-16). The lake house will have to wait.

Perhaps LIFE is ≥ this: 1) Give me neither poverty nor riches – feed me with the food allotted to me (Proverbs 30.8). 2) Be content with such things as you have (Heb 13.5). 3) Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven (Matt 5.12).

Leadership

Of the articles I’ve published, leadership is the most frequent topic so I’ll keep this short. Major General Perry M. Smith, Ph.D., whom I had the honor to meet and chat with in 2010, wrote an exceptional book on leadership called Rules & Tools for Leaders. It is one of my most written in, marked up, dog-eared books, in fact. Toward the end he summarizes leadership thus: “Leadership is not keeping your boss happy; avoiding trouble; accumulating power, perks, and privileges; staying really busy; or getting to the bottom of your in-box. Leadership is serving your people, serving the mission, giving power away, and raising the level of dignity and integrity in your organization.” Agreed.

Fitness

I have another fitness article in the works, so I’ll simply reiterate here some of what I’ve said before on the subject. Work hard and be consistent. Watch what and how much you eat. Know your body and what works best for you. Balance strength work with cardiovascular training. Most of us are drug free and genetically typical. Don’t compare yourself to those who aren’t. Consider reading my previous article On Fitness.

I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t weigh in on touchy subjects. They are important to our nation and society. We all have a responsibility to be respectable citizens and engage in respectful dialogue aimed at improving our world. It’s okay to disagree, but only while treating each other with dignity and respect. If you’re tempted to be dragged into a quagmire of divisiveness, disdain, or disrespect, let that sleeping dog lie.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Smith, P. M. (2002). Rules & tools for leaders. New York, NY: Berkley.

Wreckage In Your Mind

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Raymond A. McConnell wrote that our minds seek the truth, and when truth is gained the mind is strengthened. A mind that is disciplined is as important as a disciplined body.

I don’t know about you, but it’s always been easier for me to discipline my body than my mind. Getting in the gym, out for a run, or otherwise staying physically active has been standard operating procedure. My mind, on the other hand, tends to wander (usually when I’m bored or stressed), and is sometimes distracted by sights, sounds, and a thought life enticed by excitement or things perhaps ‘less wholesome’.

Halsey’s song Nightmare talks about keeping “…record of the wreckage” in our life and recognizing “…the weapon” in our mind. Those words not only relate to McConnell’s observation, but also to my life…recently in particular.

Within the last few weeks I celebrated another birthday, the high school graduation of my youngest child, and the birth of a third grandson. You might think for a man who already struggles with aging, self-esteem, and insecurity, this perfect storm of reminders that I’m no spring chicken would be problematic. And you would be correct! But admitting it is half the battle, right?!

I admit it…I have a record of wreckage in my life. Weakness of the mind has led to a lot of it. As resistance training is to strengthening the body, so mental ‘nutrition’ and controlling the thought life is to strengthening the mind. It’s time make a few improvements in the area of mental fitness; time to strengthen the mind and do some cleaning.

It starts on the inside, in our heart and mind. The heart-mind connection is hard to deny. The Bible affirms this convincingly: “As in water face reflects face, so a man’s heart reveals the man.” (Prov 27.19); “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Prov 23.7); “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Prov 4.23); “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts…” (Matt 15.19).

Halsey is right; our mind is a weapon to be reckoned. Like most weapons, it can be used for good (self-defense/defense of others) or for evil (self-destruction/harming others). Or it can atrophy like muscles you can’t or choose not to use anymore. So let’s do something about that.

Feed the Beast

I’ve heard variations of a ‘two beasts’ analogy. Some say Billy Graham was first to share it and wrote of two dogs in one of his books; others attribute it to Native American legend involving two wolves. Origins and species aside, the metaphor goes that inner conflict between good and evil is the result of two beasts battling within us; the winner being whichever we feed the most. Regardless how you feel about the analogy, it’s not hard to see the practical truth borne out in our lives when comparing steady diets of the good, selfless, positive, and healthy to the debaucherous, selfish, negative and unhealthy. Feed the right beast.

Walk It Off

In his Quest devotional ‘Seeking God Daily’, Dr. David Jeremiah retells a story about a worker who lost his company a million dollars because of a mistake. Rather than let the man go, the boss pointed out that ‘”The secret of making a million dollars instead of losing a million dollars is making good decisions. And the secret to good decisions is learning from the bad ones.”” Learn from your mistakes, walk it off, and get back to work.

Don’t Go Quietly

I wrote in an article last year that I was nearly 50 years old before I felt happiest with my appearance and nearly as good as I ever had physically. I’m a couple years past that milestone now and I say getting old sucks. My work ethic in the gym hasn’t changed, but my progress and recovery have taken a significant hit. Vanity and insecurity about my appearance provide substantial motivation to keep working through the muscle pain, slow recovery, and achy joints. Adjusting rep schemes and poundages, slowing my running pace, and learning new techniques from people like Pete Koch is helping. Just because you are strengthening your mind doesn’t mean you stop working on your body. Do not go gently into the night.

I’ve made a wreck of many things in my life….maybe you have too. But it’s time to get on with it. Let ‘it’ be your life, your body, your heart, your mind. And whatever strengthens them.

And as Pastor Don Denyes of South Church said recently, “When your body gets tired, run with your heart.”

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Hunsberger, E. & Nygaard, N. (2002). Strength for service: daily devotional messages for those in the service of others updated edition. Franklin, TN: Providence House.

Jeremiah, D. (2014). Quest: Seeking God daily. San Diego, CA: Turning Point.

Nightmare lyrics Source: LyricFind via web search. Songwriters: Ashley Nicolette Frangipane / Benjamin Levin / Magnus August Høiberg / Nathan Perez

Nightmare lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Create Your Opportunity

Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. I’ve only given a few graduation speeches in my life, but aside from the video preview to this article, I don’t recall ever offering that advice to anyone…graduating or otherwise. While I understand and appreciate the sentiment, it strikes me the same way ‘work smarter not harder’ does; as if hard work is a bad thing. On the contrary, I think the world and more than a few people in it would do well to do more of it. And no matter how much you love what you do, success is going to take work. Hard work…and lots of it.

I don’t begrudge people offering quips like those to motivate and inspire, for there’s wisdom in each of them. My point is, the ‘real world’ isn’t going to be all unicorns and rainbows. Life is going to challenge you; people are going to hurt and disappoint you; the career you envision may leave you unfulfilled or uninspired. Adulting is going to take hard work, commitment, various unpleasantries, and searching for answers to questions that haven’t even been asked yet.

I know by now you’ve heard more than a few times the importance of continuing your education. Formal education is hugely important. I think informal education and knowledge gained through life experience, hard work, and helping others are also very important. In other words, commit to a never-ending quest for learning and growth. Increasing knowledge from education and experiences; learning from mistakes and successes; growing from defeats and victories. Strive to glean some redeeming value from whatever situation you face.

This is all pretty typical of what graduates expect to hear at their commencement. About now in the speech I would be obliged to say something profound like “now go change the world!” The thing is, most in this current generation have already been doing that. Young people today have had to adapt and learn more things, more quickly, with wider more immediate implications than perhaps any generation before. So I simply challenge you to keep it up…in any positive way possible. Keep making the world a better place. Be ready to conquer the giants that you face in your life and overcome obstacles in your way. Understand that you can’t do it alone. It’s important to be a good teammate, a good friend, a good human being. And in whatever you do, keep moving forward. Make constant improvement in some area of your life. Do at least one thing better today than you did yesterday.

A matter of hours ago, I watched my youngest child walk across the stage and receive her diploma. She’s had an incredible journey that includes local and national academic honors as well as All-State athletic recognition. More importantly, she’s a caring, civic-minded young lady involved in community and church. So focused on others, in fact, that she included a note with every invitation asking people coming to her open house to bring a new pair of shoes for children in Haiti rather than gifts for her.

I don’t say all that to be boastful…I say it because I have been blown away by her and her classmates’ academic, athletic, and civic accomplishments. Despite reports that Millennials, Post-Millennials, or those considered Generation Z are self-centered or otherwise inwardly focused, my experience is completely opposite. The future is in good hands, and they have challenged me to do more and to do better myself.

And also to wonder how a broken man like me could be blessed with such amazing children as my daughter and her older brothers.

I’m going to end with a few takeaways.

Tim Bograkos , a former Michigan State University basketball player who went on to play professionally overseas prior to entering the business world, recently spoke at a local scholar-athlete banquet. He challenged the athletes to do the work, prepare for the game, and wait for their opportunity.  I add not simply to wait for your opportunity, but create your opportunity.  Relentlessly pursue whatever it is you love.  Do your best and work hard at it.  Take care of yourself; physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Likewise take care of others.  

When you face challenges or make mistakes, learn from them. Get up, dust yourself off, keep moving forward. Don’t let those define who you are or how far you will go. 

Love people. Make this world a better place through whatever you choose to do next. Perhaps St. Francis of Assisi’s words convey it best: Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying to ourselves that we receive eternal life.

Congratulations, Graduates! I appreciate the opportunity to deliver this ‘virtual’ commencement speech.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Discipline of Fools

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My dad was a career radio and television personality. Because he was a local celebrity, I had the privilege of growing up backstage or in the audience of countless shows of all kinds. Musicals, concerts, stage plays, Barbershop shows, and vaudeville acts to name a few. I spent many hours watching my dad on the radio as others listened, and off-set as he delivered the evening news in front of the cameras. I loved every minute of it, and grew to appreciate the performing arts, stage and screen entertainment of all sorts, and the joy that entertaining others brings.

I recognized that joy early in life and jumped at every opportunity to entertain…myself and others. From being a class clown at times to voluntarily joining (then) somewhat unconventional activities like choir, plays, mini-musicals, dramas, etc., it turned out Drama was one of my favorite high school classes. I found the most joy in life at that time both entertaining and being entertained, mostly by people and things that made me laugh. I loved attending our annual high school Follies! I was so enthralled by the emcees (a privilege reserved for seniors), who creatively cracked wise as they bought time between acts, that my goal in life became to emcee those follies. That opportunity came and remains one of my fondest high school memories! Seeing, hearing, and feeling the audience respond with joy and laughter to our shenanigans was intoxicating. But as entertainers know, it’s not easy to stay in character. For what you work hard to make entertaining for the audience is likewise entertaining to you, too. Folly takes discipline!

But if you watched my video preview to this article, you know I wasn’t talking about those types of follies.

Nonetheless, there are parallels when considering the relationship of discipline to acting out and there is an abundance of wisdom throughout the Bible concerning each. Solomon, considered perhaps the wisest man ever and author of many of the proverbs, wrote a lot about paying attention to the correction of your parents (obedience takes discipline!), that a parent who loves their child will ‘discipline him promptly’ (13.24), and how “Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path…” (15.10). Discipline here is correction, not punishiment. But I’m not talking about correction for something you’ve done wrong or administering discipline to your children. Apostle Paul wrote of disciplining his body as an athlete, training it to do what it should (1 Cor 9.27). That’s the type of discipline I am writing about…self-discipline of mind, body, and spirit.

And discipline isn’t easy! There are relationships between self-discipline and the effects a lack thereof can have on your physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological well-being…often leading to folly and all other sorts of problems.

When I fail to exercise discipline at the dinner table or snack bar, my physical appearance and overall health can suffer. When I fail to manage (discipline) my time, pretty much all of the other areas suffer. For instance, I don’t give proper attention to quiet time which effects my spiritual life; I skip the gym or other physical activity which effects my body; my stress increases at home and at work which has a negative impact on my emotional and psychological well-being (and my relationships). When I don’t discipline my emotions I can get upset, edgy, angry, or unhappy. When I don’t discipline my thought life, my mind wanders. Folly (sometimes worse) can ensue.

Do you have disciplinary problems? I’ll give you one guess which of them looms largest in my life. Correct, all of them! Actually it’s my thought life (as you probably suspected). Still, I believe they are all related on some level. For example, when I have failed to discipline my time, I miss my workouts. When I miss workouts I get edgy or start feeling out of shape and less appealing. When I feel that way I can become more insecure, unhappy, or stressed. When I’m insecure, unhappy, or stressed my relationships suffer and I become more introverted. When that happens I just want to feel better. My thoughts look for excitement, adventure, pleasure, or a happier place for a while. I need some ‘Calgon, take me away’ or Southwest Airlines ‘Wanna get away?’ moments. For some people, those moments relate to thoughts of travel to exotic places, reflecting on fond memories, shopping, or researching the latest Pinterest craze. Unfortunately, my thought life pretty much defaults to foolishness and much less wholesome things. I expect I’m not alone.

And as if some sick cosmic joke is needed to confirm the interconnectedness of disciplinary weakness to folly, the cycle repeats the very next time I fail to exercise proper discipline. And as dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. (Proverbs 26.11)

I need help…maybe you do too. Let’s help each other Get Strong, Be Strong, and Stay Strong.

Wakes of Destruction (video preview)

Have you ever watched someone ascend through the ranks or climb the corporate ladder by impressing all the right people, all while leaving a wake of human destruction behind them? Enjoy this video preview of what I’ll be writing about my next article. #leadership #beyondstrengkth

Friends Without Coffee

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Early October 1998, I moved into a position requring I attend a two week training in Miami, Florida. I met a local in class with whom I instantly connected. He nicknamed me ‘Wonderboy’ for some reason, and he was thereafter known to me as Billy Buffett. Between Parrothead bumper stickers adorning his van, his unfiltered anti-establishment persona and affinity for Margaritaville and the Florida Keys, there’s no more appropriate monicker. Buffett would become my lifelong friend, despite never seeing him in person again. Until recently.

We stayed in contact, keeping up on growing families, the dramedies of law enforcement careers-in-common, and (later) text messages and emails with pictures of kids, grandkids, fishing, the Keys, and other harassing reminders of the superlative year-round weather in south Florida. He knew how to hurt a guy…

Fast forward to a few months ago when plans began for a senior trip. Certain it would be a cruise, Caribbean all-inclusive, or rare international trip, I expect it was anxiety about sailing the seas on a floating Petri dish, fear of flying over those seas, or fond childhood memories of trips to the land of blue hair and beaches that ultimately led my daughter to declare Florida was her destination of choice.

The Plan

Above all, I wanted it to be a fun family vacation that would become a special memory for our daughter. Not only because of her senior year, but because I was one of two men in her life who had broken her heart. I wanted this to help show her how important she is to me; how much I love and adore her; that even though men are jerks, some of us will work hard to make amends and earn forgiveness; and that I take the perpetuity of our unbroken family unit seriously. But that’s for another blog.

I’m not cheap, but I do work hard to be practical, save, and spend wisely. Value for my dollar is important. Primarily a single-income family and some unplanned expenses helping others meant this trip had to be a low-budget operation. As such, creativity was key so this didn’t end up another Griswold family vacation. It was time to phone a friend.

Proximity and years of tormenting reminders of his ready access to boating, beaches, and fun brought Billy instantly to mind. Besides, we had been trying to coordinate a visit since I left late-90s Miami. After considering a few illogical itineraries, it was settled that we would road trip to Miami and spend a couple days visiting Billy’s family before driving up the coast to spend the balance of our time throwing money down a magical mouse trap.

So far this probably has you thinking this is a back-to-school essay on how I spent my daughter’s vacation. Here’s what really happened…and the point of all this.

Lord help me.

With a carload of luggage and estrogen, my wife, daughter, her best friend, and I drove to Miami. The trip was filled with love, laughter, social media updates, and a surprising amount of gastrointestinal vapor. Billy and his family opened their home to four strangers, creating displaced sleeping arrangements for their beautiful daughter, a stressed-out cocker spaniel, and the disruption of normal routines.

They were exceedingly gracious and kind. They treated us to dinner in the beautiful city of Hollywood; cruised us through the Art Deco and pretty-people filled streets of South Beach; took us boating where we fished, swam, people-watched, and danced to blasting ‘booty music’ on Haulover Sandbar; shared life stories and local history; and drove us to Key Largo for lunch on the water and a glimpse of Uncle Tony’s beachside bungalow. But their generosity had just begun.

  • I

  • Billy’s Childhood Home
  • Upper Matecumbe Key

We left our friends to venture north. After a night on the beach in Melbourne, we spent the rest of the week at an incredible vacation resort in Orlando…courtesy of Billy and family. Yes, courtesy of. Who does that?

I can’t articulate what real love and friendship should look like, but I certainly hope I can live its example even half as well as my long-distance friend.


Vacation perfection was within reach were it not for one exception. It wasn’t until that first morning wake-up…in a strangers house 1400 miles from home…that I realized I didn’t know him as well as I thought. “By the way, Wonderboy, we don’t drink coffee. Sorry. I hope that’s not a problem.”

What the…?!?!?

It actually did turn out to be one of the most memorable vacations ever. And it was possible ONLY because of the generosity of a friend I made over 20 years ago. A friend who, when I argued against gifting us four-and-a-half days at a resort, said “I’m not doing this for you. This is our graduation present to your daughter…you’re just tagging along.”

I say again, who does that?

This guy does that…


Thank you Billy, AMA, Elizabeth, and Zack for making our trip so amazing. We love you.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Post script: My daughter said I was a lot more laid back sans coffee, anyway.