GO SIT ON THE POT

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“You need to go sit on the pot.” – Tim Hawkins

Christian comedian Tim Hawkins is hands-down one of the funniest and most entertaining comedians I’ve seen. If you ever get the chance, I encourage you to rent one of his videos, Google ‘Tim Hawkins Yoga Pants’ or ‘marriage GPS’, or watch some of his stuff on YouTube. One of his many relatable bits involves Mom’s answer to many of life’s problems: you probably just need to go sit on the pot. Funny? Absolutely. And relevant. After all, laughter is good medicine. The conversations of adolescent boys everywhere confirm, regularly, the subjects of farts and poop are hilarious. And there’s certainly a case to be made about the relationship between regularity and wellness.

Not just physical wellness.

Constipation: a condition in which there is difficulty emptying the bowels, usually associated with hardened feces.

Emotional Constipation: a buildup of unprocessed emotions, or an inability or unwillingness to express such, *often associated with hardened feelings (*added by author).

I first heard the term emotional constipation in Tantor and Terk’s firey interchange watching Disney’s classic animated film Tarzan with my kids.

Tantor: That sounded like Tarzan. It sounded like – like he was in trouble.

Terk: Yeah? Well, why doesn’t he get his new friends to help him? I don’t care.

Tantor: Thaaaaat’s IT! I’ve had it with you and your emotional constipation! Tarzan needs us, and we’re gonna help him! You got that? 1

Twenty-five years later, emotional hangups are still ubiquitous to daily life and relationships, yet I was surprised just how much information there is available to help explain this concept of emotional constipation.

One counseling center’s website explains that people suffer from emotional constipation when experiencing “many more feelings than he or she has the skills to express or identify.” 2

Another describes that it may involve one “…unconsciously using self-protection as a way to limit yourself, your growth, and your happiness.”

Do tell.

I most like one of her answers on dealing with it, though: get over yourself (author’s interpretation). The counselor actually presented it as a challenge: “Get over your need to be comfortable all the time. When you feel something come up, feel it, label it, decode it, and let it go.” 3

Let. It. Go.

I recently had lunch with a friend. This friend has been through some stuff. If anyone is entitled to hardened feelings or should be given some grace concerning emotions, it’s her. Besides some very difficult subject matter, some of our conversation drifted to what keeps us busy in retirement and hobbies we enjoy. Music for example. My friend recently resumed playing after a long break and is quite enjoying it. Conversely, while I quite enjoy playing, I seldom do anymore. Predictably, the conversation went right to why I seldom play.

Being busier than a retired person should be is only part of the reason, I explained. After all, as mentioned in a previous article…you don’t find time to do the things that are important, you make time. It was more a result of conflicting loyalties and differing priorities.

My friend listened thoughtfully to lamentations about the circumstances of my musical hiatus, as well as about the subsequent ‘ghosting’ by a very good friend who convinced me to play in the first place. She then quite confidently exclaimed, “Wow. Someone clearly has some unprocessed emotions.”

I’m still not sure if she was talking about me, my invisible friend, or both.

Either way, interest in playing together, other shared activities and projects, and our friendship had vanished. Sadly, I don’t believe it was just unprocessed emotions of a very difficult and unexpected loss, but also some significant unresolved feelings from an earlier, completely unrelated, situation that coalesced to bring about the end of not only playing music, but a great friendship.

But wait, there’s more!

Webster included the word stultification in its definition of constipation, e.g. Stultification: cause to lose enthusiasm and initiative; cause (someone) to appear foolish or absurd. I believe unprocessed emotions, avoidance, and just plain selfishness brought about a lack of enthusiasm for continuing to play music together, and eventually the friendship. I mean, who needs all that emotional constipation? It’s much easier to just check out.

“I will never leave an Airman behind.” – USAF Airman’s Creed

I have been reading through Objective Secure, Nick Lavery’s compelling book about goal achievement based on his military service. Lavery is a US Army Green Beret who was critically wounded in 2013 while serving in Afghanistan. He is the first above-the-knee amputee Special Forces Operator to return to combat. In a chapter similarly entitled I WILL NEVER LEAVE A FALLEN COMRADE, Lavery extends its principle, typically reserved for warfighters, to anyone. Commit to doing “whatever it takes” in a given situation. He writes, “The warrior mindset is not exclusive to those who are warriors by profession.” 4

But Nick Lavery is a warrior. One colleague said during his quest to requalify as a special operator that he “carried himself as though he had never been injured.” He didn’t blame the system or look for a free pass. He was “just another one of the guys with a job to do.” He took responsibility for his rehabilitation, qualification, and everything else it would take to become fully operational again.

Do whatever it takes.

Tom Brokaw wrote in his 1998 book The Greatest Generation, “A common lament of the World War II generation is the absence today of personal responsibility.” At a time when people were more inclined to sue gun manufacturers than accept personal responsibility for failing to secure a loaded weapon, Tom Broderick, who lived the rest of his life blind after being shot in the head during his WWII service, says, “It was my fault for getting too high in the foxhole. That happens sometimes.” 5

There was no blaming the enemy or the manufacturer of the weapon for what happened. He wasn’t bitter or depending on others to make him feel worthy or supported. He didn’t blame someone else for making him ‘feel’ a certain way. Broderick accepted personal responsibility and refused to play the victim.

I’m not saying our experiences don’t count for something nor contribute to some of our (many) issues today. In fact, I’ve written about a number of my own experiences that have contributed to some of my hangups. But in the end, whose responsibility is my happiness, disposition, outlook, and emotional well-being? Mine, and mine alone.

If you’re constipated, emotionally or otherwise, take personal responsibility and action to fix it. Make an effort to make it right.

In other words, go sit on the pot.

Good friends, true friends, don’t come easy. Blessed is the one who can count but a few as such.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Not actual pot.

Not actual poo.

1. Tarzan Wayne Night: Tantor. (1999). IMDb. Retrieved October 29, 2024, from  https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120855/characters/nm0001431

2. Overcoming emotional constipation and internal anger. (2015, October 21). Heart to heart counseling center. Retrieved October 29, 2024, from https://www.drdougweiss.com/overcoming-emotional-constipation-and-internal-anger/

3. How to avoid emotional consitpation. (n.d.). Aligned holistics. Retrieved October 29, 2024, from https://www.alignedholistics.com/blog/how-to-avoid-emotional-constipation

4. Lavery, N. (2022). Objective secure: the battle tested guide to goal achievement.  Precision Components. 

5. Brokaw, T. (1998). The greatest generation.Random House. 

You Are Enough (Part Two)

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“With God’s calling comes a time of preparation, and preparation requires patience.” – David Jeremiah

I do my daily devotionals using the YouVersion Bible app, typically choosing a plan to go through the Bible in a year. This year, I chose English clergyman Nicky Gumbel’s classic Bible in One Year commentary, where each day he and wife Pippa provide insights and real-life application related to that day’s chapters. In a recent reading, Nicky paraphrased John Newton (former slave trader turned abolitionist and author of Amazing Grace), which seemed an appropriate way to start:

‘I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I wish to be. I am not what I one day will be. But, by the grace of God, I am not what I once was.’

It’s not easy to breakdown years of formulas that equal the sum of one’s thought patterns. In many ways I still struggle with the esteem issues mentioned in part one, but time has afforded a measure of clarity to some of those ‘cognitive distortions’. For instance, I’m certain one of the reasons I’m so neurotic about my appearance or bothered when my hair or nails get too long is rooted in sensitivity and embarrassment from childhood. My lifelong Schwarzenegger man-crush and near obsession with getting bigger, stronger, and faster no doubt originates from being a skinny, genetically unimpressive ‘late-bloomer’ who for years felt belittled and powerless to do anything about it. I don’t know if it hurt or helped that he once said, “We all want to look good…to stand naked in front of a mirror and be pleased with what we see. And of course, have others be pleased with what they see when they look at us.” I’ve spent decades lifting and exercising fanatically to feel good about the way I look, with or without clothes on. I was almost 50 before I got there, and it didn’t last long.

But I digress…

I’m sure at least part of my early lean toward public safety was influenced by esteem for which those in uniform were once held, followed by recognition that military and civil service provided not only structure, discipline, challenge, and esprit de corps, but also fulfilled all five of Maslow’s needs in my life at the time. I worked tirelessly at every level to be the absolute best I could be. It became a work ethic I am proud of, yet I sometimes wonder if it was approval, adoration, acceptance that subconsciously drove me? High performance and high achievement often equal borderline workaholism, and a price was sometimes paid in time I’ll never get back.

Yet there is nobility in helping the helpless and standing up for those unable to, which I’m sure my doc would also affirm was a subconscious manifestation to overcome runt status and somehow prove myself worthy.

What better way to prove oneself worthy than to try being everyone’s knight in shining armor?

But even the knight in shining armor’s sword can be double-edged. For in trying to be everything to everyone, we sometimes feel obliged to rescue those not ours to save; or lose sight of the peace and beauty of our own kingdom while admiring the deceptive splendor of someone else’s.

While everyone responds differently to stress, hurt, or injustices in life and relationships, I’ve long held a tendency to take things more personally than I should. Sometimes subconsciously using that as an impetus, I’d mix it together with an elixir of past insecurity, pain, or self-consciousness and let it culture in the warped petri dish of my mind. Once the microorganism of self-pity was incubated, it gave birth to various forms of self-affirming, self-centered acting out. And while acting out may temporarily make us feel better, there’s almost always collateral damage.

Seldom does selfishness make others feel better.

I know a thing or two because I’ve seen a thing or two. And done a thing or two. There’s something to that mid-life crisis thing. Still, the impact of boys and their toys, shoring up tender egos with an ever-growing, never-enough array of gas powered machismo is pretty innocuous. More concerning is when dispositions change: when we become increasingly abrupt, less forgiving, decreasingly tolerant, and an even bigger jackass. Especially toward loved ones.

Then there’s all that other stuff we neither wish to talk about, nor have time or space for in this episode. Yes, the flesh is indeed weak. And perhaps a more godly man would be better at controlling his thought life, ‘fleeing youthful lust’, or being more of a red light than a yield sign. Yet in the context of this article, those like me whose perceived sum total from past experience (especially concerning appearance and desirability) long equaled a probability quotient of zero, finally ringing the hi-strike bell of self-confidence at the circus of life is a powerful boost. Combine that with a string of rejections, disappointments, or unfulfilled expectations and it’s a recipe for…another article.

But our past doesn’t have to control us. Joe de Cena, founder of the Spartan Race phenomenon, says “Bitching burns between zero and zero calories per minute, so there’s no sense complaining about your hardships.” He’s right. Examine your past, acknowledge its impact or influence, and move on.

Easy for me to say. I still have trouble accepting myself as ‘enough’, and my thought life is likely to hamstring me indefinitely. But understanding in whom to find identity and properly accredit self-worth will help avoid these pitfalls.

Stop stumbling over things that are already behind you.

Here’s why: nothing we face hasn’t first been integrated into God’s plan for our life. God does, in fact, work all things together for good to those who love him (Rom. 8.28). In the very next chapter, we’re also reminded that he can (and will) do as he pleases: “Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery of noble purpose and some for common use?”

I’m definitely destined for the common use category. And I’m pretty sure I still identify as a lump of clay. But I know God is in whom to find value and meaning for my life, and he’s still molding me into the man I’m intended to be…despite my best efforts to torpedo his artistry.

Yes, I’ve been too long concerned with my physical appearance and what others think of me. God made me and accepts me as I am. Does that leave me free to let myself go? Of course not. Even though I have stopped shaving and mostly wear sweatpants in retirement, I still need to care for this vessel he’s using. I can’t be renting out a ramshackle cottage, crackhouse, or Fancy’s one room, rundown shack on the outskirts of New Orleans. I need to maintain a strong foundation; keep my windows clean to let the light shine in; and stir the bats of defective thinking out of my belfry.

I’ve wasted much time concerned with what people think of me, focused on the wrong things, or thinking I’m not enough. Nicky Gumbel suggests that dealing with the challenges we face doesn’t prevent us from doing the ministry God called us to, but perhaps that’s actually the ministry itself. So instead of attributing things in my past to my own dysfunction, I’ll try adjusting my paradigm thusly: I’m using the good, bad, and ugly of my life, career, and experience to bring me closer to God, help others, and make the world a better place.

You want to be a great leader, friend, and human? Get outside your comfort zone; own your mistakes, get over yourself, and stop deflecting or blaming others for your shortcomings. A few apologies might be good, too.

You are enough. Be confident in who you are and to whom you belong.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

De Sena, Joe (2014). Spartan up. New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

https://bibleinoneyear.org/en/

You Are Enough (Part One)

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“God often spends years preparing us for what he wants us to do….don’t be impatient with yourself.” – David Jeremiah

As I continue balancing responsibilities, embracing retirement, and feeling the older I get the more time accelerates, I’ve found myself more self-reflective. There’s an abbreviation widely popular on social media for those of you nodding your heads in agreement: IYKYK (if you know you know).

Contemplation and self-reflection aren’t unusual for me…it’s pretty much what this whole motivational ministry thing is built on.  But when a number of other factors recently combined with those above, including the untimely deaths of several close friends and family in a short amount of time, it forced what I’ll call compulsory introspection.  Already feeling like the hands of my life-clock are spinning fast enough to launch an aircraft, contemplation of my own mortality naturally snuck in.  

Let’s be clear…I don’t fear death. I know where and with whom I’ll spend eternity when my time is up. But I also know it won’t be until I’ve done everything God has for me to do here. For the record, I appreciate his patience with me; if I were God, I would have smote me a long time ago.

Looking back, I cringe over how much time I’ve wasted not being the man God intended me to be; selfishness, missed opportunities, squandered blessings, ignored promptings, distractions, and probably some derailed plans. But was it really wasted time, or all part of a master plan preparing me for where I am today? It hurts my brain to try and reconcile free will with predestination. In a horribly unsuitable parity, the ‘Which came first, the chicken or the egg?’ debate might be easier to understand. Master plan or simply God working all things together for good (Rom 8.28), I know everything in my life thus far, including some bags I still need to unpack, has been preparing me for this chapter of my life story.

Looking forward, I know some of what’s left for me to do involves continuing to help others by sharing the time, energy, effort, resources, experiences, knowledge, skills, and abilities I’ve been blessed (and cursed) with. I’m especially grateful for the many new doors that have opened to me at this stage in my life, despite a few others that nearly hit me in the backside on the way out. There also remains the more difficult work of confronting things from my past that may help gain understanding about choices I’ve made, how they contributed to who I am today, and how best to use that understanding to help others and make the world a better place.

Let’s start there.

You would think being the child of a local celebrity might position you well for admiration and success. However, that isn’t necessarily true and can present its own challenges. Yes, I’ve always been proud of who my dad is and all he has accomplished. And while a sarcastic reference I once gave in a speech prompted enduring jokes about being a big deal, my dad really is a big deal. Prestige and status are rightfully granted to him. But kids can be cruel, and neither of those were necessarily afforded me or my siblings. In fact, the celebrity status of my father, while great for scoring points with teachers and other adults, was more of a target for peers.

Random elementary teacher: “Oh, is your dad THE Dave Eddy?”

Me: “Yes.”

Teacher: “How exciting that must be…and aren’t you cute!?”

Random elementary kid: “Oh, your dad’s that guy on the radio?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Who cares…you’re a punk.”

Neither did fame equal wealth in mid-market media. We weren’t destitute but we certainly weren’t rich. Compared to many of my friends at the time, we were easily identifiable on the lower end of middle-class. My dad had offers to enter larger markets. He was even featured in a national radio and television broadcasting periodical in 1968. But as a humble professional and family man, his desire to stay close to our roots outweighed more money and greater fame. I’ve always admired him for that.

Seeds Are Sown

I’m blessed well beyond what I deserve and I own every mistake and decision I’ve made, so please don’t think for a minute what follows is me jumping on the ‘blame everyone else for my troubles’ bandwagon. I’m merely pointing out that, retrospectively, I can see how certain things have influenced some of my behavior, adjustment, and self-confidence. As a child I was scrawny, squirrelly, and occasionally a little unkempt. A kind and caring person who loved us unconditionally, my mom always did her best. But she also struggled with mental health issues, battling mood disorders and depressive episodes much of her life. Accordingly, there were times my hygiene and appearance as a child betrayed her; a visible timestamp of her low points. My hair was occasionally bedraggled (I was probably ahead of my time); my nails often untrimmed; my clothes and body periodically grungy. Despite feeling like Schulz’s Pig-Pen at times, neither my friends nor their parents ever made me feel less than (also an influence on my life). It’s both amusing and sad to look back at school picture day photos and speculate about periods Mom struggled. Most years not a hair was out of place and I was outfitted deceptively snappier than our income allowed; other years I looked like one of Henson’s muppets.

Add all that to being the punk kid of a radio and television personality, and it equals a fair dose of bullying and harassment. Only now am I really diving into the impact my past had on preferences, behavior, life and career choices, and responses to other situations; the most obvious of which has been spending most of my life believing I’m not handsome enough, good enough, desirable, or strong enough…and trying in some way, every step of the way, to prove that I am.

Next time, we’ll explore some of those steps, why some turned out to be ‘landmines’, and why most were completely unnecessary.

“When we come to the end of ourselves we are left with nothing but faith.” – Don Denyes

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

 Miss you, Mom…<3

Broken Together: Can Grace, Mercy, Commitment, and Forgiveness Save Your Fairytale?

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Listen along to the audio version here.

Have you heard ‘bad things come in threes’ or ‘the power of threes’ in business and leadership? I often use a ‘three points’ approach when public speaking. Conveniently, three timely things helped bring this essay to life: a wedding anniversary, a song, and a holiday. Honestly, I prefer to set this subject matter aside for another time (or not at all) because I know there are some who will get the wrong idea, be hurt, offended, or tempted to judge me. But my mind keeps returning to it, so I’m stuck like a worm on a hook: squirming around…about to be in over my head.

I missed when news recently broke of an affair between two popular television personalities. Other than sorrow over more broken families, it doesn’t impact me. But it is a public and familiar reminder of our overall brokenness. And conveniently helps weave my three points together.

First, my wife and I recently celebrated 32 years of marriage. If you’ve read the ‘About the Author’ segment of this site or heard me talk, you’ll note I reference ‘miraculous’ to describe the longevity of my marriage. A 32-year marriage is somewhat statistically uncommon today. Consider this exemplification: a while back I was catching up with an old military friend. During our conversation he asked how many kids I have. When I said “three”, he promptly and in all sincerity asked, “All with the same woman?!?”

While all that may appear mildly noteworthy, my use of ‘miraculous’ is a bit of an understatement. I’m a complete wretch…which is NOT statistically uncommon.

As such, even though our marriage is still relatively intact, we’ve been through some stuff. Lots of stuff. Thankfully, I am married to an uncommonly gracious and committed wife, and I have a savior who is even more merciful and forgiving than she is.

And both know how broken I am.

Second, Casting Crowns has an excellent song titled Broken Together that I again heard around the time of the ‘breaking news’. Here are the lyrics (choruses eliminated for brevity):

What do you think about when you look at me? I know we’re not the fairytale you dreamed we’d be. You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand. And we dove into a mystery.

How I wish we could go back to simpler times. Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light. Now on this hallowed ground we’ve drawn the battle lines. Will we make it through the night?

It’s going to take much more than promises this time. Only God can change our minds.

Chorus: Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete. Could we just be broken together? If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine, could healing still be spoken and save us? The only way we’ll last forever, is broken together.

How it must have been so lonely by my side. We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind. I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align, and we won’t give up the fight.

It’s going to take much more than promises this time. Only God can change our minds.

(Chorus x 2)

I come from a broken home. Divorce sucks. Many of my friends and relatives ended up in broken homes. I’m the last person entitled to sermonize right or wrong ways of handling marriage or relationships. I’m absolutely not condemning anyone who’s had multiple marriages or children with different parents. In no way am I being critical of past decisions, those made beyond one’s control, doing whatever was necessary to stay safe, or any one of 100 other scenarios resulting in fractured families. I don’t know what others have been through, experienced, or might now be going through. Any one of those scenarios could easily be mine.

I write this based on my personal experiences and past. My experience is that while it may be necessary or even justified, divorce complicates everything: finances, raising children, school activities, kids sports, relationships, weddings, funerals, and even holidays. Especially holidays. The first time I ever heard my dad cry was when I was a child and we missed a family Christmas. He tried desperately to manage everything and make it special for us kids, but by the time he picked us up from my mom’s and got to my uncle’s house, they had already celebrated without us. He was crushed.

I’m not suggesting it’s okay to do whatever we want or to be unconcerned with the consequences of our actions. That sort of moral relativism is as ill-advised as being self-righteous. Sadly, both are as pervasive today as in ancient times, and bring me to my last point.

Christmas is coming.

Perfection is God’s standard for salvation, which is impossible for humans. Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus, the Messiah. God’s Son born into the world to be a perfect and final sacrifice some 33-years later. Atonement for an imperfect world.

The only answer to this enormous mess that selfish, unfaithful, broken, untrustworthy humans made of everything is a Savior.

I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. Nothing here is intended to be personal or hurtful. No matter what we think of ourselves compared to others, we’re all equally defective. Each of us is as morally guilty as any other transgressor. “Whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all.” (James 2.10); “There is no one righteous, not even one.” (Rom 3.10, Ps. 14.3; 53.3)

Brant Hansen puts is this way: “Whatever anyone’s done to me, or to anyone else, I stand just as guilty. People have lied to me, but I’ve lied too. People have been unfaithful to me, but I’ve been unfaithful too. People have hurt me, and I’ve hurt them.”

Why should anyone be surprised when someone they love does something that hurts them?

Faith is a journey. I suggest the same is true of relationships. “God delights in making something beautiful out of something broken.” – Pastor Don Denyes

Don’t give up!

And don’t miss the reason for the season. “For unto us a child is born…” (Isa. 9.6).

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Hansen, Brant (2022). Unoffendable. Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group. 

Source: Musixmatch. Songwriters: Bernie Herms / John Mark Hall. Broken Together lyrics © Sony/atv Tree Publishing, G650 Music, Pure Note Music, Songs Of Universal Inc. View the official lyric video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAAvPDgKf30

Garage Sales & Garbage

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Are you a garage sale-er? Maybe it should be garage ‘sailor’, due to the boatload of junk you just scored…effectively undoing the noteworthy progress you made decluttering the other crap you didn’t need.

As I enter retirement, I’ve turned some focus toward trying to declutter, minimize, simplify, and eradicate hurry from my life.

Don’t judge me, I’m only two weeks in.

Having long been an avid reader, burning through books is nothing new. But a couple of recent selections have been borderline providential, making me wish I could turn back time and do some things differently. In fact, applying even some of the concepts to my life from any of the last three or four I’ve read could either elevate my marriage, or end it.

Here’s why.

I’ve done things a certain way for so long that to change now could be too shocking. Personality is formed very young, as are many of our habits and tendencies. While changes can occur over time through significant life events, trauma, or when things happen like ‘finding’ God, basic personality and behavioral characteristics become evident pretty early and stay pretty consistent. Unfortunately, in my case “Once a pack-rat, always a pack-rat” comes to mind here. Pretty sure I got that from my dad.

But people are different.

The character development between the Focker and Byrne families, particularly Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman, in Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers, is a remarkable and hilariously accurate depiction of what I’m talking about. Ultra-conservative, Type-A, ex-CIA agent versus free-loving, free-living, old-school hippie-type.

Behavior and personalty in mind, for me to suddenly clean out my closet and keep only a handful of clothes; outfit a small Honduran village by ridding myself of extraneous shoes; contract a mobile shredding service so we have a four bedroom home again; dispose of the notion that a new RV costing more than our first and second homes (combined) would be better than our cozy, 20-year-old-paid-for-Griswold-mobile; or torpedo dreams of someday living on a lake again or having a cabin up north and a trailer down south might be a bit of a shock to my loved ones.

Don’t get me wrong; I pride myself on having successfully managed a comfortable, modest, conservatively apportioned life as a public servant on a single-income. It wasn’t always easy. There were many times we wondered ‘what could have been’ if both of us had careers outside the home. We ultimately surrendered strong desires to keep up with the Joneses in order to keep a mother at home with her kids. But dang, I want some of that! In fact, I sometimes get a little irritated because I don’t have more of the good stuff like many of my friends. I mean, I’ve worked hard and collected some pretty significant emotional and psychological road rash along the way. Don’t I deserve it?

The answer is no.

I’m not suggesting we should’t have nice things, or that people who do should feel bad about it. To each his own.

As I write this, I’m riding Amtrak’s City of New Orleans back home from an annual board meeting and symposium. I’ve had time to start a new book: Brant Hansen’s Unoffendable. There’s so much great stuff about living a better life by dropping anger and letting things go. I’m convinced much of our anger, defensiveness, judgment, self-righteousness, and envy comes down to the feeling of being denied what we think we deserve and taking things personally. It’s situations like mentioned above when I must remind myself that what others have (do, did, think, feel, believe) is not about me. I have nothing to prove. Hansen says, “When we really believe that, we’ll hardly be quick to anger.” (cf. James 1.19)

I would add “Or get defensive, judgmental, self-righteous, or jealous.”

In his book The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, John Mark Comer wisely points out that being “Reasonably happy is more than enough.” Happiness or contentment isn’t the result of circumstances, but disposition. My selfish-self needs to hear that…often.

Comer also drops these two truth bombs:

  1. Dreaming of the perfect life…poisons our actual life
  2. Minimalism isn’t about living with nothing; it’s about living with less

I don’t pretend to have figured all this out on an 18-hour train ride two weeks into retirement. I’ve known and lived some of this for a long time. But my recent change in status – emancipation from the tyranny of the urgent – allows me to instead now focus on what’s truly important.

Combined with a few necessary changes in attitude and I’m ready to get serious about removing things from my life I no longer need; literally and figuratively.

I’ll start by trying hard to be Unoffendable.

I’ll also work on slowing down more (see my previous article); eliminating excess clothing, shoes, mugs, hats, papers, and other things I don’t need; setting limits and specific times to check emails and social media; and removing a whole lot of other things that cause stumbles, doubts, and distractions.

Maybe I should stay away from garage sales, too.

“[Live] in such a way that your unfulfilled desires no longer curb your happiness.” – John Mark Comer

What are some things you need to get rid of?

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Comer, John (2021). The ruthless elimination of hurry. Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook.

Hansen, Brant (2022). Unoffendable. Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group.

Time, Distance, & Shielding

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Have you ever felt like a character in those Southwest Airlines commercials, where you just ‘wanna get away’? Getting away from unpleasant situations isn’t the only circumstance distancing ourselves might be beneficial. Not to mention going ‘off the grid’ for a while is often key to a good Hollywood storyline or character development. Consider the likes of Bond, Bourne, Skywalker, The Fugitive, or one of my favorites: the obscure yet entertaining pulp hero, Remo Williams. Whether finding oneself, outrunning murderous antagonists, leaving the ‘agency’, grieving, or just hiding out…time, distance, and shielding are often involved and necessary.

As the world has watched in disgust the Russian attack and atrocities against Ukraine, a concern of many is whether Putin will employ a nuclear weapon. As I contemplate the situation, I think back to my early military service when the Cold War was still a thing. Military strength and respect for nuclear deterrence created a tense, yet necessary combination for peace. Nukes required special care by those entrusted to handle and secure them. Should there be a detonation, knowing the hazards and protective measures associated with nuclear warfare was a must.

The concept I remember most is time, distance, and shielding.

My old training materials note that when a nuclear weapon detonates, a blinding flash of light (intense heat known as thermal radiation) is seen before the sound of the explosion, and the time between the flash and the sound depends on distance from the point of detonation. That thermal radiation, followed by neutron and gamma radiation, occur within the first minute. Fortunately, radiation decreases rapidly with distance. Time and distance; check.

Shielding addresses the last two effects: the devastating blast wave followed by radioactive fallout.

Collectively, time, distance, and shielding conceptualized the course of action to best protect against adverse effects. A concept I believe is applicable to other areas of life.

Long before nuclear weapons, the Bible recorded countless examples of time, distance, and shielding. A few that come to mind include flood-surviving Noah; David avoiding Saul’s relentless pursuit in the wilderness strongholds; the Israelites’ desert wandering after leaving Egypt; John’s exile to Patmos; and Paul’s time(s) in prison. Not to mention his admonishment for us to “flee” and “avoid” things like lust and foolish disputes. Cities of refuge (Joshua 20), where one who killed another accidentally and unintentionally could flee for protection from avengers until their day in court, epitomize the concept.

It’s easy to see how elements of time, distance, and shielding were used to protect, bring about change, or otherwise help people get to a place they needed to be…literally or figuratively. Sometimes the place we need to be involves getting away from our own thoughts for a while.

In his book Chatter – The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters, and How to Harness it, Ethan Cross mentions a concept called “temporal distancing”. He says temporal distancing involves keeping things in perspective by imagining how you’ll feel about a difficult circumstance years in the future, instead of in the moment.

Well before Cross wrote about the voices in my head, Marcus Aurelius shared remarkably similar wisdom about distancing and sheltering the mind from unwanted, unhealthy thoughts, and our sometimes harmful inner voice: “Tranquility is nothing else than the good ordering of the mind.” and “Such as are your habitual thoughts, so also will be the character of your mind.”

Still unconvinced about the non-nuclear applicability of time, distance, and shielding?

Maybe you’ve never had an argument with a spouse or loved one. Or a dramatic blowup after you ruined the life of your teenage daughter (again). Standard response plans in these scenarios include 1) getting away from the source (distancing), 2) for who knows how long (time), 3) by locking yourself in the bedroom or bathroom (shielding). *This may or may not be from personal experience.

Reenactment

Other real-life applicability might include things like avoiding the gym to rehab an injury; taking a vacation; retreating to quiet place to think through some things; avoiding situations that fuel weaknesses like pornography or lust; committal to a drug or alcohol rehab program. I don’t know how often this happens anymore, but there was even a time when judges offered a choice between compulsory military service or incarceration to wayward youth to give them the time, distance, and shielding they needed to get their life straight.

Having lived through more than a share of parental anguish, I think the those judges may have been onto something. Prayer is ceaseless, but there is only so much helplessness, frustration, and sleepless nights to give. Ultimately, incarceration or some other provision for time, distance, and shielding may be necessary for lasting change and recovery.

Whether trying to survive a nuclear detonation or mitigate some other destructive blast life throws at you, the concept is clear. Manage immediate risks by 1) acting quickly to create separation, physically and emotionally; 2) give yourself (or others) time to assess, process, and plan; and 3) protect yourself from the destructive surge and resulting fallout by taking cover, erecting barriers, and building resilience until the danger has passed.

Giving yourself the time, distance, and shielding needed to survive the worst of it, you’ll gain priceless experience and emerge stronger and better prepared to help yourself and others through the next blast that comes along.

I pray the people of Ukraine, and all of us, will continue to Get Strong, Be Strong, and Stay Strong.

Kross, Ethan (2021).  Chatter.  New York, NY: Crown.

Robertson, Donald (2020). Meditations the philosophy classic (based on The Thoughts of Emperor M. Aurelius Antoninus, translated by George Long). West Sussex, UK: Wiley.

Failures & Faith

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God looks not at our failures, but at the sincerity of our faith. The truth of that statement is found throughout history. Consider those honored as ‘Heroes of Faith’ by the author of Hebrews, who despite failing miserably earlier in life, were used mightily by God because of their faith.

Here are a few. 

Abraham, more concerned for his own well-being than his wife, passed her over to Pharaoh as his sister; later, his impatience with God’s timing would lead to hurt feelings and an unnecessary and unpleasant family dynamic.  Moses, long before leading his people out of Egypt, killed and buried an Egyptian, then hypocritically tried to play peacemaker between two of his kinsmen.  Both Moses and the valiant Gideon would doubt their abilities, self-worth, question God’s instruction, and resist their calling. And like many other men, the mighty Samson and King David were both enslaved to passion, self-indulgence, and captivated by beauty.  

Stories like this aren’t uncommon. Industry leaders, CEOs, Hollywood icons, athletes, and everyday people are stumbling masters of imperfection. Yet many contribute greatly and attain high levels of success and achievement. So why is this important, and why now?

Timing and proximity.

For a while now, my pastor has been preaching through the book of Hebrews.  Chapter 11 focuses on triumphant faith. Examining those highlighted as heroes of faith gives me hope…even heroes fail.  But faith endures, and by it they “…conquered kingdoms, performed acts of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions…escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong” (Heb. 11.33-34; emphasis added).  Their faith gained them approval from God, because faith is evidence of the heart.  And God looks at our heart, not how many mistakes we make.  

But faith will be tested. 

Unfortunately for those who dislike discomfort, the pastor points out that for faith to mature it must be pressed…as olives are to making oil.  Faith is refined (matured) in the process of being crushed.  

It seems failure isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

I don’t know where you land on the coincidence versus serendipity versus providence spectrum, but just days ago Tim Tebow, a man I respect for his faith journey, encouraged followers to embrace failure as a growth and learning opportunity.  Part of his post read “Failing doesn’t make you a failure”.   While he’s experienced some incredible success in his life, he’s also experienced significant disappointment.  His faith still shines above it all. 

I don’t know him personally, but I expect he would agree that faith is something we experience.   Whether we live to be 100 or our days are cut short, faith is a journey, not a destination.  And sometimes God uses even a short life to make a lasting impact.  

It’s not comforting, but people of faith know that sometimes God’s greater purpose outweighs temporary discomfort. 

“Counting on the future is folly.” – Charles Spurgeon 

We are two years into a pandemic we were told would be under control within a couple of weeks. Many have lost faith in authorities and experts because of their inability to provide consistent guidance or expected results. Don’t count on the future.

Those who lost friends or loved ones to COVID likely had their faith tested.  Unrelated to the pandemic, my family and others close to me have experienced incredible pain due to the unexpected loss of loved ones during that time. Two, in particular, were taken from their young families undeservedly soon. It may be little comfort to those grieving, but each of them lived a life of faith and powerful testimony, leaving behind a lasting legacy and impact.  

Faith is tested in other ways, too. 

It’s difficult to explain the level of anguish and heartache over an estranged child, wayward and spiraling downward; consequences of poor decisions come to fruition near rock bottom.

The olive press of parenthood isn’t always a pleasant journey of faith.  Flaming, blaming, hateful arrows launched from the tongue of a broken spirit aren’t easily ignored. They sew seeds of doubt in even the strongest parent.  

Are my own failures to blame? Whose faith journey is this, anyway?

I’ve had both insignificant and epic failures. I still do. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m not so unlike those heroes of faith mentioned earlier. I’ve been impatient with God’s timing; hypocrisy isn’t foreign to me; I’ve doubted my worth, downplayed my abilities, resisted my calling, and questioned God’s direction.

And if ever a person personified their biblical namesake, it’s this David.

I long for the ‘good old days’, but as I pointed out in the preview to this article, maybe the good old days weren’t all that great either. Still, times certainly seemed simpler then.

I think it was Jimmy Buffett who said that living well is the best revenge. But vengeance isn’t ours to wield and many of us have some letting go to do.

But I see his point.

Living well with a faithful heart, despite our proclivity to stumble, may help today’s days be the good old days we seek.

Trust in the trustworthiness of God.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Tim Tebow quote retrieved from https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6900445218035089408/

Finishing Well

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When I recorded the video preview, this article was intended as motivation to finish well as I close in on retirement. I had no idea the next two weeks would be a collision of parallels between finishing a career well and finishing a life well. With the unexpected passing of my mother-in-law, and two other funerals the same week, the connection was unmistakable.

Contextually, hints of resentment started percolating and I didn’t like it. Save for a few disappointments, I’ve had an extraordinary career…I refuse to spend the last few months of it embittered. A little self-reflection revealed two primary issues conspiring against this emerging, unwanted disposition.

Too many decisions are made for the primary benefit of those making them. That’s nothing new. What is new has been the perfect storm of social, civic, and public safety upheaval, resulting in declining sentiment toward policing and melodramatic policy decisions driven by political activism. Progress is good; change is necessary. But not when it benefits some to the exclusion of others. What once was among the noblest of professions is now one in which contempt and disrespect for those sworn to serve and protect has become an acceptable norm.

The criminal actions or irresponsibility of a few must not diminish the honor and distinction with which the vast majority of public safety professionals serve. Many who have dedicated their lives to protecting and serving are exhausted and anguished. The current environment creates the potential for a profession that once attracted the altruistic and humble to instead draw those primarily motivated by power and authority. That’s not progress. But neither is it something I have control of.

The second issue is unforgiveness. I have too-long held onto hard feelings about lost opportunities. Two were blatant instances of favoritism, bias, and partiality; the others less obvious, but no less disappointing and no less wrong. Unchecked, these types of inequities create an environment where people don’t feel psychologically safe, and some simply stop trying; helpless to change things and afraid to speak out.

That’s where I eventually found myself. Hurt, ruminating, and waiting for an apology that will never come. Empathy and healing aren’t high on the list of priorities for the leader, husband, wife, father, mother, or friend unwilling or incapable of apology. Another thing I have no control of.

What is within my control are my attitude and actions.

In his book The Socrates Express, Eric Weiner quotes Gandhi as saying that no man “…takes another down a pit without descending into it himself.” Said another way by a good friend recently as we lamented current events, “We only end on a low note if we allow it.”

Avoiding low notes and pits by controlling what I can, and letting go what I can’t, seems obvious. Accordingly, I choose to finish well; maintain a positive attitude; avoid engaging in biased or self-serving decisions; and continue speaking out against injustice…socially and within my family, organization, and my profession.

And I choose to forgive…with or without an apology.

Besides, believers are urged to “…not grow weary while doing good” and “…not lose heart.” (Gal. 6.9).

My mother-in-law, Joy, never grew weary of doing good. She was one of the kindest, gentlest, most genuine people on the planet, who lived out her namesake every day. I had the privilege of speaking at her memorial, during which this portion of my remarks both applies here and convicts me:

“I say this with not an ounce of pride, ego, or self-serving motive; this woman, this most beautiful and tenderhearted of human beings, adored me.  An adoration I never deserved.  She was one of the few people I have ever known who truly loved unconditionally.  No matter how many times I messed up, was abrupt, spoke unkindly, or hurt her daughter in some way, she never stayed angry or judged me. Instead, she was always the first to forgive me. I will never understand why she felt that way about me, or why a guy like me was so blessed to be a part of this wonderful family…” 

My mother-in-law lived well, and despite her untimely passing, finished well. I’m a better man because of her.

Likewise, notwithstanding some disappointments along the way, I’m also a better man because of the organization I’ve been a part of for nearly 30 years.

I mentioned two goals in the preview video: finishing well and decluttering.

Finishing well means setting aside my grievances, knowing what I can and cannot control, and adjusting my attitude accordingly.

Decluttering means ridding myself of unnecessary junk…literally and figuratively.

In some ways, my profession and organization are unrecognizable today. That’s not necessarily a bad thing…it’s just not necessarily my thing.

Nonetheless, I choose to run with perseverance to the very end.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us…” (Heb. 12.1)

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Weiner, Eric (2020). The socrates express. New York, NY: Avid Reader Press.