In his book The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren writes “The dark side of the desire for approval is the fear of disapproval” (2002). One of the reasons I am passionate about this Beyond Strength endeavor is to help me deal with some significant self-doubts and insecurities, as well as help others who struggle similarly. So it seems fitting that one of the first subjects that came to mind as I contemplated early essays pertains to the subject of giving and receiving compliments. While this might seem like a softball subject to write about in a life, leadership and fitness blog, I believe the ability to give and receive feedback is critical to effective leadership (which includes giving and receiving compliments).
I consider myself fairly adept at giving timely and sincere compliments, and providing meaningful feedback. However, actually receiving compliments is another story. In fact, I struggle in this area. A lot. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being complimented. In fact, I’m sure that most people want to be noticed or appreciated, and don’t mind hearing about it when they are. I think in my case, like many others, it has more to do with a general struggle with self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.
I have been told that I am overly critical of myself; that I beat myself up too much over mistakes I’ve made; that there is such a thing as being humble to a fault; and that I don’t have any reason to be self-conscious or insecure. Yet those are all things I do and I feel every day. And while I am working hard to examine my ‘back-story’ so as to better understand why I might feel this way (and find productive ways to fix it), it’s easier said than done to suddenly change into someone who is quietly confident or who openly “owns it” or “embraces it”…whatever “it” is.
I believe the theory that other people’s perspectives may help us understand more about ourselves. In fact, that’s one reason I make a point to give a lot of compliments and positive affirmation to others – I want them to know how I see them. But I struggle to accept the same. It makes little sense, especially because of my personal neediness and strong desire to be affirmed by others. I can’t speak for others who might wrestle with this, but in my case I believe at least part of my difficulty receiving compliments has to do with poor decisions, mistakes I’ve made in my past, or internal strife because of my thought life making me feel unworthy of any such praise. I can also remember an instance several years ago where I was accused of being arrogant by someone who knew nothing about me and probably made that accusation out of their own insecurity. It hurt me a great deal and has had a lasting effect on how I project myself to others – to the point of regular self-deprecation – perhaps in an attempt to be absolutely certain no one would ever think of me that way again. So I deflect, minimizing or completely rejecting people’s genuine compliments.
But maybe there’s more. Is it possible that the perspectives of people who resist compliments are undermined by having been hurt, heartbroken, deceived, or taken for granted by people close to them? I believe when this happens, there is a defensive tendency to erect walls, remain emotionally guarded, or behave in other ways to distance ourselves, presuming it will protect us from future hurt. Call it social self-sabotage, for lack of a better term. The snowball grows as it gains momentum, and the problem is further compounded as skepticism, failing to be appropriately vulnerable and transparent in relationships, or not accepting compliments at face-value creep in as we fear being deceived and played for a fool. The down-side, of course, is that it can lead to an outward projection of neediness; or on the opposite end of the spectrum, lead to relational coldness – when in reality, we are often screaming inside at the top of our lungs for someone to just tell us what we need to hear…that we are appreciated…that we matter…that we’re not worthless.
The giving and receiving of compliments is not only a complex social issue, but as pointed out earlier, it can be a delicate leadership issue as well. Some leaders are masterful at critical feedback, but not so good at tempering that criticism with positive affirmations or compliments. Not that I have this all figured out, but I do believe that a leader should always strive to offset any criticism – positive or negative – by also delivering an abundance of positives. Everyone has positive attributes or things they do well. It is wise to balance constructive criticism with positive feedback and compliments. This approach helps both the giver and receiver better deal with the tricky subject of critical feedback and compliments.
In conclusion, the subject of compliments can be awkward enough on its own. It becomes even more challenging when taking into account one’s ability to give or receive compliments may involve deep emotional complexities not known to the other party. But like everything else in human relations, avoiding judgment and treating others with dignity and respect helps ensure that regardless of the situation or subject matter, relating to other humans by saying nice things to each other is a skill worth developing. And so is appreciating when people say nice things about you.
Get strong…Be strong…Stay strong…
Warren, R. (2002). The purpose driven life: what on earth am I here for? Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.