Settle Down

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If you didn’t see the video preview to this article, what came to mind when you first read the title? I imagine there is a wide range across the readership. Does that make ‘settle down’ an idiom? Homonym? Does it matter? I could have equally been referring to a command your grandma barked because you were being too rambunctious while Grandpa was dozing in his rocker, as much as to the not-so-veiled “time-to-start-a-family” reminders your parents start giving you around age 30 every time you visit.

I didn’t have settling down to start a family or stifling my hyperactivity in mind when this subject came to me. Rather, it was an unexpected, unsettled feeling that crept in and is lingering. Despite its inexplicability, I’ve become all too familiar with this feeling.

An important first step in learning to ‘settle down’ is identifying the factors contributing to this feeling. Honestly, it could be any number of things, including significant financial and physical hardships of people close to me or ongoing personal frustrations and uncertainty at work. As I’ve thought through possible root causes, a book I read some years ago came to mind that might explain a few other possibilities.

Uncharacteristically, I didn’t write the date I started it in the front cover, but a boarding pass still marks a page, supporting the possibility the book was an airline terminal purchase. It was June 2013 and I was headed to Washington, DC the day before my birthday. I was familiar with its author, Patrick Morley, from his impactful book ‘Man in the Mirror’ I read some years earlier. In this more recent book, Man Alive, Morley theorizes that a significant number of men are mired in mediocrity, stifling their natural energy by settling for lukewarm (he calls ‘half alive’) existences. In Man Alive, he provides insightful reasons and symptoms that speak to its truth – including feelings of restlessness. He offers practical ways to live a more fulfilled life by addressing what he calls “seven primal needs”. These, and perhaps still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, may explain at least some of the unsettled feelings that come and go in my life.

Morley uses the chapters of Man Alive to dig into ways to convert restlessness into fulfilled living by addressing these primal needs he lists in Chapter 1:

  1. To feel like you don’t have to do life alone
  2. To believe that God loves and cares about you personally
  3. To understand how your life has a purpose, that your life is not random
  4. To break free from the destructive behaviors that keep dragging you down
  5. To satisfy your soul’s thirst for transcendence, awe, and communion
  6. To love and be loved without reservation
  7. To make a contribution and leave the world a better place

As I looked these over for the first time since 2013, it was easy to recognize the primacy of these in my life. I likewise recognize how failing to properly address them could lead to restlessness or passivity. Or both.

I hesitate to end this article having you believe I’m somehow stuck in a perpetual quagmire of uncertainty or restlessness. That’s not the case. I’ve been blessed throughout my life with many opportunities that relate to the list, and overall I’m an optimistic, happy, and fulfilled guy! But I’d be lying if I told you I never feel alone; or that I don’t struggle with my thought life; or that I don’t sometimes still wonder about my true purpose.

Patrick Morley is clearly onto something. It’s also reasonable that some of what I’m feeling has to do with crossing through deep waters with others in my life. As Dr. Don Denyes of South Church recently said, ‘standing in the river’ speaks to the problems or challenges we face. He points out that maybe God allows the BIG problems in our lives to remind us we can’t handle everything ourselves like with smaller problems. I can fix a lot of things myself. But I can’t fix cancer, my mom’s dementia, or a host of other life-altering hardships faced by people close to me (and millions of others). Neither can I predict the future. But I can embrace the present, love unreservedly, help wherever & whenever possible, work unashamedly to determine & fulfill my purpose, and live by faith knowing God is ultimately the one in control.

Maybe you can, too.

To help you, I recommend either book mentioned, Man in the Mirror or Man Alive, and visiting Patrick Morley’s blog. If you are one of the first five readers to contact me either by email at strength@beyondstrength.org or comment to this post, I’ll send you a free copy of Man Alive (a donation toward shipping is appreciated but not required). I also recommend Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life.

I appreciate you joining me to find strength in weakness, improve, and make the world a better place. And I’d love to know your thoughts on other ways to ‘settle down’.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Morley, Patrick. (2012). Man alive – transforming your 7 primal needs into a powerful spiritual life. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

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How do you wake up? Mellow, sheepishly wiping the sleep from your eyes? Or do you come up swinging? I remember watching a friend gently try to wake his sleeping child. The boy jolted awake and promptly socked his dad right in the eye! Even well-intentioned stalk-climbers in every adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk knew it was a bad idea to wake the sleeping giant. And whether he actually said it or not, I expect Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto probably realized it was a bad idea, too.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to avoid jumping into the fray of sensitive current events. While divisive political subjects and polarizing social issues would no doubt help increase readership or a larger following, that’s not what this enterprise is about. Instead, I use this medium to take a positive look at life, leadership, and fitness in hopes of helping others and sharing common experiences. While the subject matter isn’t always happy and carefree, it is intended to provoke thought, prompt action, edify, encourage, and exhort readers to make positive change in their lives. In other words, to create beauty from brokenness and derive strength from weakness.

My reluctance to rouse the lying dog of political division or wake the giant of societal or organizational dysfunction doesn’t mean there isn’t something to be said for kissing a few frogs or awakening a sleeping beauty or two in our life, leadership, and fitness endeavors. So pucker up.

Life

Well over halfway through life on this side of dirt, I still don’t have it figured out. Selfishly I think that life’s not fair. No one said it would be…especially my mom. But if you’re like me you wonder when it’s your turn. I’ve worked hard my whole life and still don’t have a vacation home or lake house like so many others. And why do crooks, creeps, and the wicked continue to prosper? David Jeremiah put it this way in a recent Turning Points devotional. “God does bestow wealth on some of His servants, and their generosity has financed many of the great ministries that have changed the world. God also allows some of His people to live in humility, and their selflessness has also changed the lives of many people. Prosperity is no indication of righteousness, and poverty is not necessarily a virtue.”

Like Paul, I have been both in need and in plenty and am trying to be content in either. I work hard and strive to be responsible and practical. Yes, I’d love to reap a few more ‘comfortable rewards’ of that. But right now there are others in greater need, including some of my own loved ones. How dare I do nothing when I have the means to help? “Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well: keep warm and be well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (James 2.15-16). The lake house will have to wait.

Perhaps LIFE is ≥ this: 1) Give me neither poverty nor riches – feed me with the food allotted to me (Proverbs 30.8). 2) Be content with such things as you have (Heb 13.5). 3) Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven (Matt 5.12).

Leadership

Of the articles I’ve published, leadership is the most frequent topic so I’ll keep this short. Major General Perry M. Smith, Ph.D., whom I had the honor to meet and chat with in 2010, wrote an exceptional book on leadership called Rules & Tools for Leaders. It is one of my most written in, marked up, dog-eared books, in fact. Toward the end he summarizes leadership thus: “Leadership is not keeping your boss happy; avoiding trouble; accumulating power, perks, and privileges; staying really busy; or getting to the bottom of your in-box. Leadership is serving your people, serving the mission, giving power away, and raising the level of dignity and integrity in your organization.” Agreed.

Fitness

I have another fitness article in the works, so I’ll simply reiterate here some of what I’ve said before on the subject. Work hard and be consistent. Watch what and how much you eat. Know your body and what works best for you. Balance strength work with cardiovascular training. Most of us are drug free and genetically typical. Don’t compare yourself to those who aren’t. Consider reading my previous article On Fitness.

I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t weigh in on touchy subjects. They are important to our nation and society. We all have a responsibility to be respectable citizens and engage in respectful dialogue aimed at improving our world. It’s okay to disagree, but only while treating each other with dignity and respect. If you’re tempted to be dragged into a quagmire of divisiveness, disdain, or disrespect, let that sleeping dog lie.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Smith, P. M. (2002). Rules & tools for leaders. New York, NY: Berkley.

Entitlement: It’s My Prerogative

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Picture the climactic courtroom scene from ‘A Few Good Men’. Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee engages with Colonel Nathan Jessup, asking if he ordered the code red.  

Kaffee: Colonel Jessup! Did you order the Code Red?!

Judge Randolph: You don’t have to answer that question!

Jessup: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

Kaffee: I think I’m entitled to it!

Jessup: You want answers?!

Kaffee: I want the truth!!

Jessup: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like “honor”, “code”, “loyalty”. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you”, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to! (emphasis added)

Entitlement is defined in part as the fact of having a right to something, or the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment. Similar words like prerogative, license, and special favor come to mind.

I’ve wrestled with how to present this without being overly critical or getting personal. Mostly because not all people who exhibit entitlement tendencies do so with ill-intent. I think a number appear that way because they are under heavy deadline or otherwise pressured to produce results quickly, leading to the intentional (and perhaps inappropriate) leveraging of personal relationships that usurp standard protocols. It’s not always because they feel ‘inherently deserving’ of special treatment…not everyone who presents as a jerk necessarily is (although we both know many are).

A couple of verses came to mind as I thought through all this: The way of a fool is right in his own eyes. (Proverbs 12.15) and For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. (Galatians 6.3).

I don’t exactly know what would prompt someone from one organization to call the CEO of a different company on a weekend morning asking help with a special accommodation, knowing full-well it would lead to someone much farther down the food chain jumping through hoops the rest of weekend to make it happen.

More insidious examples point to offenders who commit acts of sexual violence against victims simply because they feel entitled; or people who commit fraud because they feel insurance companies overcharge; or insurance companies charging too much because…well, because they can.

Is it entitlement? Selfishness? Lack of humility? Neither? Something else?

I wrote in a previous article about ego and wakes of destruction left behind those who lack leadership acumen, emotional intelligence, or even basic empathy. Instead of boring you with more of the same, I’ll wrap up with few thoughts on humility versus entitlement.

In his book The Ideal Team Player, Patrick Lencioni writes of humility as lacking “…excessive ego or concerns about status.” He says “humility is the single greatest and most indispensable attribute of being a team player.” I’m not suggesting that entitlement is the opposite of humility, but it’s pretty easy to spot someone who thinks they’re all that. Many of them are the same people who feel entitled to special favor because of their position, who they know, or because they’re a little too big for their britches, as my grandma would say.

Big britches or not, here’s what I think I’m entitled to:

NOTHING.

Maybe that’s a little harsh (true or not).

I am entitled to:

  1. An honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work
  2. Protections outlined in the Constitution of the United States
  3. To be a good human being

Unfortunately, we are also entitled to be rotten human beings.

My hope is that the love of God and those of us who strive to be good human beings will continue to shine light into this dark world and overshadow the rottenness.

You’re also entitled to Get Strong, Be Strong, and Stay Strong.

A Few Good Men quotation retrieved 7/31/2019 from https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/A_Few_Good_Men 

Lencioni, Patrick. (2016). The ideal team player. Hoboken, NJ: Jossey-Bass.

Wreckage In Your Mind

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Raymond A. McConnell wrote that our minds seek the truth, and when truth is gained the mind is strengthened. A mind that is disciplined is as important as a disciplined body.

I don’t know about you, but it’s always been easier for me to discipline my body than my mind. Getting in the gym, out for a run, or otherwise staying physically active has been standard operating procedure. My mind, on the other hand, tends to wander (usually when I’m bored or stressed), and is sometimes distracted by sights, sounds, and a thought life enticed by excitement or things perhaps ‘less wholesome’.

Halsey’s song Nightmare talks about keeping “…record of the wreckage” in our life and recognizing “…the weapon” in our mind. Those words not only relate to McConnell’s observation, but also to my life…recently in particular.

Within the last few weeks I celebrated another birthday, the high school graduation of my youngest child, and the birth of a third grandson. You might think for a man who already struggles with aging, self-esteem, and insecurity, this perfect storm of reminders that I’m no spring chicken would be problematic. And you would be correct! But admitting it is half the battle, right?!

I admit it…I have a record of wreckage in my life. Weakness of the mind has led to a lot of it. As resistance training is to strengthening the body, so mental ‘nutrition’ and controlling the thought life is to strengthening the mind. It’s time make a few improvements in the area of mental fitness; time to strengthen the mind and do some cleaning.

It starts on the inside, in our heart and mind. The heart-mind connection is hard to deny. The Bible affirms this convincingly: “As in water face reflects face, so a man’s heart reveals the man.” (Prov 27.19); “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Prov 23.7); “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Prov 4.23); “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts…” (Matt 15.19).

Halsey is right; our mind is a weapon to be reckoned. Like most weapons, it can be used for good (self-defense/defense of others) or for evil (self-destruction/harming others). Or it can atrophy like muscles you can’t or choose not to use anymore. So let’s do something about that.

Feed the Beast

I’ve heard variations of a ‘two beasts’ analogy. Some say Billy Graham was first to share it and wrote of two dogs in one of his books; others attribute it to Native American legend involving two wolves. Origins and species aside, the metaphor goes that inner conflict between good and evil is the result of two beasts battling within us; the winner being whichever we feed the most. Regardless how you feel about the analogy, it’s not hard to see the practical truth borne out in our lives when comparing steady diets of the good, selfless, positive, and healthy to the debaucherous, selfish, negative and unhealthy. Feed the right beast.

Walk It Off

In his Quest devotional ‘Seeking God Daily’, Dr. David Jeremiah retells a story about a worker who lost his company a million dollars because of a mistake. Rather than let the man go, the boss pointed out that ‘”The secret of making a million dollars instead of losing a million dollars is making good decisions. And the secret to good decisions is learning from the bad ones.”” Learn from your mistakes, walk it off, and get back to work.

Don’t Go Quietly

I wrote in an article last year that I was nearly 50 years old before I felt happiest with my appearance and nearly as good as I ever had physically. I’m a couple years past that milestone now and I say getting old sucks. My work ethic in the gym hasn’t changed, but my progress and recovery have taken a significant hit. Vanity and insecurity about my appearance provide substantial motivation to keep working through the muscle pain, slow recovery, and achy joints. Adjusting rep schemes and poundages, slowing my running pace, and learning new techniques from people like Pete Koch is helping. Just because you are strengthening your mind doesn’t mean you stop working on your body. Do not go gently into the night.

I’ve made a wreck of many things in my life….maybe you have too. But it’s time to get on with it. Let ‘it’ be your life, your body, your heart, your mind. And whatever strengthens them.

And as Pastor Don Denyes of South Church said recently, “When your body gets tired, run with your heart.”

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Hunsberger, E. & Nygaard, N. (2002). Strength for service: daily devotional messages for those in the service of others updated edition. Franklin, TN: Providence House.

Jeremiah, D. (2014). Quest: Seeking God daily. San Diego, CA: Turning Point.

Nightmare lyrics Source: LyricFind via web search. Songwriters: Ashley Nicolette Frangipane / Benjamin Levin / Magnus August Høiberg / Nathan Perez

Nightmare lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Create Your Opportunity

Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. I’ve only given a few graduation speeches in my life, but aside from the video preview to this article, I don’t recall ever offering that advice to anyone…graduating or otherwise. While I understand and appreciate the sentiment, it strikes me the same way ‘work smarter not harder’ does; as if hard work is a bad thing. On the contrary, I think the world and more than a few people in it would do well to do more of it. And no matter how much you love what you do, success is going to take work. Hard work…and lots of it.

I don’t begrudge people offering quips like those to motivate and inspire, for there’s wisdom in each of them. My point is, the ‘real world’ isn’t going to be all unicorns and rainbows. Life is going to challenge you; people are going to hurt and disappoint you; the career you envision may leave you unfulfilled or uninspired. Adulting is going to take hard work, commitment, various unpleasantries, and searching for answers to questions that haven’t even been asked yet.

I know by now you’ve heard more than a few times the importance of continuing your education. Formal education is hugely important. I think informal education and knowledge gained through life experience, hard work, and helping others are also very important. In other words, commit to a never-ending quest for learning and growth. Increasing knowledge from education and experiences; learning from mistakes and successes; growing from defeats and victories. Strive to glean some redeeming value from whatever situation you face.

This is all pretty typical of what graduates expect to hear at their commencement. About now in the speech I would be obliged to say something profound like “now go change the world!” The thing is, most in this current generation have already been doing that. Young people today have had to adapt and learn more things, more quickly, with wider more immediate implications than perhaps any generation before. So I simply challenge you to keep it up…in any positive way possible. Keep making the world a better place. Be ready to conquer the giants that you face in your life and overcome obstacles in your way. Understand that you can’t do it alone. It’s important to be a good teammate, a good friend, a good human being. And in whatever you do, keep moving forward. Make constant improvement in some area of your life. Do at least one thing better today than you did yesterday.

A matter of hours ago, I watched my youngest child walk across the stage and receive her diploma. She’s had an incredible journey that includes local and national academic honors as well as All-State athletic recognition. More importantly, she’s a caring, civic-minded young lady involved in community and church. So focused on others, in fact, that she included a note with every invitation asking people coming to her open house to bring a new pair of shoes for children in Haiti rather than gifts for her.

I don’t say all that to be boastful…I say it because I have been blown away by her and her classmates’ academic, athletic, and civic accomplishments. Despite reports that Millennials, Post-Millennials, or those considered Generation Z are self-centered or otherwise inwardly focused, my experience is completely opposite. The future is in good hands, and they have challenged me to do more and to do better myself.

And also to wonder how a broken man like me could be blessed with such amazing children as my daughter and her older brothers.

I’m going to end with a few takeaways.

Tim Bograkos , a former Michigan State University basketball player who went on to play professionally overseas prior to entering the business world, recently spoke at a local scholar-athlete banquet. He challenged the athletes to do the work, prepare for the game, and wait for their opportunity.  I add not simply to wait for your opportunity, but create your opportunity.  Relentlessly pursue whatever it is you love.  Do your best and work hard at it.  Take care of yourself; physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Likewise take care of others.  

When you face challenges or make mistakes, learn from them. Get up, dust yourself off, keep moving forward. Don’t let those define who you are or how far you will go. 

Love people. Make this world a better place through whatever you choose to do next. Perhaps St. Francis of Assisi’s words convey it best: Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying to ourselves that we receive eternal life.

Congratulations, Graduates! I appreciate the opportunity to deliver this ‘virtual’ commencement speech.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Memorial Day

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Honoring those who have fallen in service to others…and those who served and have since fallen. Thank you. #strength #honor #courage #service #beyondstrengkth