Out with Insecurity

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Not long ago I attended an awards ceremony for my daughter and other scholar athletes from her area high school athletic conference. All were being recognized as high-performing multi-sport varsity athletes who were simultaneously high-achieving academic seniors. I was impressed with the entire event. It was well organized and obvious the conference went to great lengths to make it a memorable evening. There were hors d’orvs, a local televsion celebrity emcee, and a keynote address delivered by a hometown sports hero. The whole thing was very special…and not just because my daughter was one of the honored scholar athletes.

The event itself reminded me that my youngest child is no child anymore. That, along with Easter, a few significant family challenges, and the recent anniversaries of some painful life events all combined to wreak havoc on my psyche.

David Jeremiah wrote “By God’s providence, every trial somehow returns a blessing in His time and way.” As I age and become increasingly self-reflective, I’m both encouraged by that statement and disappointed in myself for my culpability in many of those trials due to poor choices. I can trace many of those choices, directly or indirectly, to insecurity, damaged self-esteem, or skewed perceptions of self-worth. But before you indulge my pity party, understand that while many of my life experiences may justify some of those feelings, I accept my role in allowing them a foot in the door of my id, ego, and super-ego. And my role in giving them a vacation home to visit seemingly anytime they’d like.

Another way to say what Jeremiah said might be that everything you’ve been through has prepared you for what you’re going through.

Despite how I present myself in many public, social, or business situations, I am often recoiling with insecurity and self-doubt on the inside. I want to be accepted; I want to be appreciated; I want to be wanted and desired; I want to please everyone. I don’t want to be rejected; I don’t want to be judged; I don’t want to be harshly criticized; I don’t want to let people down.

Top: first CJ – 1974 (circa 1989); Bottom: current CJ – 1979 (2018)

There are many downsides to feeling that way, not the least of which is that by trying to please everyone, we often end up pleasing no one. In my video intro to this article I mentioned a Jeep I bought last year. I have had many Jeep’s over the years so it wasn’t unusual. But the primary reason I bought that particular Jeep is the hope of what it will become: a project for me and my now grown children to work on together. A near frame-off restoration that will not only be awesome when we’re done, but more importantly will give us time together I missed before.

Understand, I have zero talent to undertake such an endeavor. But what I lack in talent I hope to make up for in ambition. Ambition fueled by regret from years of missed opportunities when they were young…to do something like that – and so many other things – together.

A rough 1979 Jeep CJ5 304 V8 is part of that. So is giving due diligence to filling out a ‘Father’s Story’ book given to me by my daughter…despite how painful some of the questions will be to answer. BeyondStrength is another part…an avenue where I can share some of my experiences in hopes of helping others, while trying to help (and forgive) myself.

Things like building a treehouse or going camping more often; hiking on Isle Royale or rebuilding a lawn mower; teaching them how to ski or learning from them how not to embarrass myself (and them) in front of their friends. As if I don’t have enough of my own childhood issues and poor adult choices to poke the coals of insecurity, I can’t even count the missed opportunities or ‘things I wish I’d done differntly’ with regard to my children. But I aim to do better.

  • The unused treehouse.
  • By the time I got around to building it, the boys were too old and my daughter wouldn’t climb that high.

Below is a journal entry from 4/26/2017. I think perhaps it’s as relevant here as it was to the situation when I wrote it.

Sometimes you just have to turn the page to realize there is more to your book of life than the page you’re stuck on. Stop being afraid to move on!! Close this chapter of hurt and never re-read it again. It’s time to get what your life deserves and move on from the things that don’t deserve you…move on from the things that don’t deserve you! Don’t spend your days trying to correct your past; instead, let go and let God create something better for your future.

It helped me then and it helps me to read it again.

Be it insecurity, self-esteem, forgiving yourself, or letting go of something or someone who is keeping you from being the best version of yourself, maybe it will help you in some way, too.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Discipline of Fools

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My dad was a career radio and television personality. Because he was a local celebrity, I had the privilege of growing up backstage or in the audience of countless shows of all kinds. Musicals, concerts, stage plays, Barbershop shows, and vaudeville acts to name a few. I spent many hours watching my dad on the radio as others listened, and off-set as he delivered the evening news in front of the cameras. I loved every minute of it, and grew to appreciate the performing arts, stage and screen entertainment of all sorts, and the joy that entertaining others brings.

I recognized that joy early in life and jumped at every opportunity to entertain…myself and others. From being a class clown at times to voluntarily joining (then) somewhat unconventional activities like choir, plays, mini-musicals, dramas, etc., it turned out Drama was one of my favorite high school classes. I found the most joy in life at that time both entertaining and being entertained, mostly by people and things that made me laugh. I loved attending our annual high school Follies! I was so enthralled by the emcees (a privilege reserved for seniors), who creatively cracked wise as they bought time between acts, that my goal in life became to emcee those follies. That opportunity came and remains one of my fondest high school memories! Seeing, hearing, and feeling the audience respond with joy and laughter to our shenanigans was intoxicating. But as entertainers know, it’s not easy to stay in character. For what you work hard to make entertaining for the audience is likewise entertaining to you, too. Folly takes discipline!

But if you watched my video preview to this article, you know I wasn’t talking about those types of follies.

Nonetheless, there are parallels when considering the relationship of discipline to acting out and there is an abundance of wisdom throughout the Bible concerning each. Solomon, considered perhaps the wisest man ever and author of many of the proverbs, wrote a lot about paying attention to the correction of your parents (obedience takes discipline!), that a parent who loves their child will ‘discipline him promptly’ (13.24), and how “Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path…” (15.10). Discipline here is correction, not punishiment. But I’m not talking about correction for something you’ve done wrong or administering discipline to your children. Apostle Paul wrote of disciplining his body as an athlete, training it to do what it should (1 Cor 9.27). That’s the type of discipline I am writing about…self-discipline of mind, body, and spirit.

And discipline isn’t easy! There are relationships between self-discipline and the effects a lack thereof can have on your physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological well-being…often leading to folly and all other sorts of problems.

When I fail to exercise discipline at the dinner table or snack bar, my physical appearance and overall health can suffer. When I fail to manage (discipline) my time, pretty much all of the other areas suffer. For instance, I don’t give proper attention to quiet time which effects my spiritual life; I skip the gym or other physical activity which effects my body; my stress increases at home and at work which has a negative impact on my emotional and psychological well-being (and my relationships). When I don’t discipline my emotions I can get upset, edgy, angry, or unhappy. When I don’t discipline my thought life, my mind wanders. Folly (sometimes worse) can ensue.

Do you have disciplinary problems? I’ll give you one guess which of them looms largest in my life. Correct, all of them! Actually it’s my thought life (as you probably suspected). Still, I believe they are all related on some level. For example, when I have failed to discipline my time, I miss my workouts. When I miss workouts I get edgy or start feeling out of shape and less appealing. When I feel that way I can become more insecure, unhappy, or stressed. When I’m insecure, unhappy, or stressed my relationships suffer and I become more introverted. When that happens I just want to feel better. My thoughts look for excitement, adventure, pleasure, or a happier place for a while. I need some ‘Calgon, take me away’ or Southwest Airlines ‘Wanna get away?’ moments. For some people, those moments relate to thoughts of travel to exotic places, reflecting on fond memories, shopping, or researching the latest Pinterest craze. Unfortunately, my thought life pretty much defaults to foolishness and much less wholesome things. I expect I’m not alone.

And as if some sick cosmic joke is needed to confirm the interconnectedness of disciplinary weakness to folly, the cycle repeats the very next time I fail to exercise proper discipline. And as dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. (Proverbs 26.11)

I need help…maybe you do too. Let’s help each other Get Strong, Be Strong, and Stay Strong.

Egos & Empires

I recently attended the retirement celebration of a former supervisor, colleague, and long-time friend. It is not an understatement to say he defines what a great leader should be. He’s visionary, courageous, decisive, passionate, genuine, caring, and humble to a fault. For instance, his estimation that a lack of interest in attending would result in cancellation of the festivities couldn’t have been more wrong. The formal program lasted easily more than three hours, due to the high number of presenters showering him with gifts and publicly testifying to this man’s impact on their lives and careers. Each speaker offered an oration intended to communicate that which could never be done adequately; what an amazing human being and leader he is.

I am not exaggerating when I say this man is unanimously regarded as one of the most (if not THE most) respected leaders in recent history of his organization. To put that into perspective, consider this: I help facilitate a three-week leadership course sponsored by a leading international police organization. It has been administered twice a year in my organization since 2012, accounting for over 500 participants so far. Non-attribution is one of the rules of engagement, wherein participants sharing examples of horrible bosses are not to identify said example. However, when leaders or situations defining great leadership are shared, names are permitted. The man I write of is mentioned by name easily tenfold more often than anyone else as epitomizing great leadership. Tenfold is probably an understatement. This man doesn’t just talk the talk, he walks it.

I’m not certain whether his quintessential leadership aplomb is conscious and deliberate, or just a natural byproduct of genuinely caring about people. Either way, that’s how it should be done.

Influential leaders inspire others to follow, regardless of the rank or position they hold. Poor leaders, task masters, and leadership ‘posers’ use rank, position, power, control and intimidation to compel others to follow them. There’s often an obvious lack of loyalty to any position, specialty, boss, or colleague in favor of the next promotion…again regardless of the position, speciality, boss, or colleague. We often see them smugly look down their nose as they over-estimate their own importance and qualifications while underestimating their subordinates’; arbitrarily or unnecessarily change structure or policy; or spew laudatory comparisons between themselves and truly great leaders as if they, themselves, sould be considered in the same realm. The reality is that most aren’t even in the same solar system. I’m not sure which is worse: a person who falsely believes they are a great leader and thus sees no need to change, or the person who doesn’t care whether they are or not.

Sadly, they are often recognized by the debris field of broken spirits and shattered career aspirations they leave behind as they move through the organization. For it is in their zeal to advance their own agenda, add to their bankroll, increase their status, keep shining subordinates whom they feel threatened by appropriately oppressed, or build a personal empire that these types of ‘leaders’ leave a wake of destruction behind. You know the cliche…managers manage things; leaders lead people. They’re not leaders.

When a leader truly cares about people, those people’s careers, and how the two can be married-to-the-mission in a win-win for all, moving up the corporate ladder is only and always a means for making people and the organization better through wider influence. It’s never about themselves.

I’ve heard you should be careful who you step on during your climb to the top, because you’ll need those people when you get there, and you’re surely going pass them again on your way down. Chances are pretty good they’ll remember how you treated them.

So how can organizations can stop the hemorrhaging of decent, high quality, hardworking, dedicated people from the organization? I’m talking about the ones tired of being victimized, under appreciated, and underutilized by mangers like that…often in favor of inexperienced, under qualified ‘in-groupers’ simply because they’ve had a sponsor helping them along in the organization. I would love to know your thoughts.

The respected leader I started with built an empire of respect, caring, professionalism, and adoration. He leaves a legacy, quite unintentionally, made up of followers who would do just that – follow him. Anywhere, anytime, and under any circumstance. I pray for more leaders like that in every organization so at some point in the future, empires built of egos, on foundations of self-serving motives, fall into extinction. When that happens, those who rise to prominence simply by knowing the right people – and caring about none – will cease to prosper.

Better still, that they would humble themselves and become leaders worthy of their position and responsibility.

Like Kevin.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Wakes of Destruction (video preview)

Have you ever watched someone ascend through the ranks or climb the corporate ladder by impressing all the right people, all while leaving a wake of human destruction behind them? Enjoy this video preview of what I’ll be writing about my next article. #leadership #beyondstrengkth

Friends Without Coffee

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Early October 1998, I moved into a position requring I attend a two week training in Miami, Florida. I met a local in class with whom I instantly connected. He nicknamed me ‘Wonderboy’ for some reason, and he was thereafter known to me as Billy Buffett. Between Parrothead bumper stickers adorning his van, his unfiltered anti-establishment persona and affinity for Margaritaville and the Florida Keys, there’s no more appropriate monicker. Buffett would become my lifelong friend, despite never seeing him in person again. Until recently.

We stayed in contact, keeping up on growing families, the dramedies of law enforcement careers-in-common, and (later) text messages and emails with pictures of kids, grandkids, fishing, the Keys, and other harassing reminders of the superlative year-round weather in south Florida. He knew how to hurt a guy…

Fast forward to a few months ago when plans began for a senior trip. Certain it would be a cruise, Caribbean all-inclusive, or rare international trip, I expect it was anxiety about sailing the seas on a floating Petri dish, fear of flying over those seas, or fond childhood memories of trips to the land of blue hair and beaches that ultimately led my daughter to declare Florida was her destination of choice.

The Plan

Above all, I wanted it to be a fun family vacation that would become a special memory for our daughter. Not only because of her senior year, but because I was one of two men in her life who had broken her heart. I wanted this to help show her how important she is to me; how much I love and adore her; that even though men are jerks, some of us will work hard to make amends and earn forgiveness; and that I take the perpetuity of our unbroken family unit seriously. But that’s for another blog.

I’m not cheap, but I do work hard to be practical, save, and spend wisely. Value for my dollar is important. Primarily a single-income family and some unplanned expenses helping others meant this trip had to be a low-budget operation. As such, creativity was key so this didn’t end up another Griswold family vacation. It was time to phone a friend.

Proximity and years of tormenting reminders of his ready access to boating, beaches, and fun brought Billy instantly to mind. Besides, we had been trying to coordinate a visit since I left late-90s Miami. After considering a few illogical itineraries, it was settled that we would road trip to Miami and spend a couple days visiting Billy’s family before driving up the coast to spend the balance of our time throwing money down a magical mouse trap.

So far this probably has you thinking this is a back-to-school essay on how I spent my daughter’s vacation. Here’s what really happened…and the point of all this.

Lord help me.

With a carload of luggage and estrogen, my wife, daughter, her best friend, and I drove to Miami. The trip was filled with love, laughter, social media updates, and a surprising amount of gastrointestinal vapor. Billy and his family opened their home to four strangers, creating displaced sleeping arrangements for their beautiful daughter, a stressed-out cocker spaniel, and the disruption of normal routines.

They were exceedingly gracious and kind. They treated us to dinner in the beautiful city of Hollywood; cruised us through the Art Deco and pretty-people filled streets of South Beach; took us boating where we fished, swam, people-watched, and danced to blasting ‘booty music’ on Haulover Sandbar; shared life stories and local history; and drove us to Key Largo for lunch on the water and a glimpse of Uncle Tony’s beachside bungalow. But their generosity had just begun.

  • I

  • Billy’s Childhood Home
  • Upper Matecumbe Key

We left our friends to venture north. After a night on the beach in Melbourne, we spent the rest of the week at an incredible vacation resort in Orlando…courtesy of Billy and family. Yes, courtesy of. Who does that?

I can’t articulate what real love and friendship should look like, but I certainly hope I can live its example even half as well as my long-distance friend.


Vacation perfection was within reach were it not for one exception. It wasn’t until that first morning wake-up…in a strangers house 1400 miles from home…that I realized I didn’t know him as well as I thought. “By the way, Wonderboy, we don’t drink coffee. Sorry. I hope that’s not a problem.”

What the…?!?!?

It actually did turn out to be one of the most memorable vacations ever. And it was possible ONLY because of the generosity of a friend I made over 20 years ago. A friend who, when I argued against gifting us four-and-a-half days at a resort, said “I’m not doing this for you. This is our graduation present to your daughter…you’re just tagging along.”

I say again, who does that?

This guy does that…


Thank you Billy, AMA, Elizabeth, and Zack for making our trip so amazing. We love you.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Post script: My daughter said I was a lot more laid back sans coffee, anyway.


Best of Times? (video)

I read an article recently comparing times of day for working out to burn the most calories. It prompted me to take an in-depth look back at my workout history and see if there’s any conclusions I can draw from my own experience. Enjoy this video introduction to the project!