Entitlement: It’s My Prerogative

1 Comment

Picture the climactic courtroom scene from ‘A Few Good Men’. Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee engages with Colonel Nathan Jessup, asking if he ordered the code red.  

Kaffee: Colonel Jessup! Did you order the Code Red?!

Judge Randolph: You don’t have to answer that question!

Jessup: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

Kaffee: I think I’m entitled to it!

Jessup: You want answers?!

Kaffee: I want the truth!!

Jessup: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like “honor”, “code”, “loyalty”. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you”, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to! (emphasis added)

Entitlement is defined in part as the fact of having a right to something, or the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment. Similar words like prerogative, license, and special favor come to mind.

I’ve wrestled with how to present this without being overly critical or getting personal. Mostly because not all people who exhibit entitlement tendencies do so with ill-intent. I think a number appear that way because they are under heavy deadline or otherwise pressured to produce results quickly, leading to the intentional (and perhaps inappropriate) leveraging of personal relationships that usurp standard protocols. It’s not always because they feel ‘inherently deserving’ of special treatment…not everyone who presents as a jerk necessarily is (although we both know many are).

A couple of verses came to mind as I thought through all this: The way of a fool is right in his own eyes. (Proverbs 12.15) and For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. (Galatians 6.3).

I don’t exactly know what would prompt someone from one organization to call the CEO of a different company on a weekend morning asking help with a special accommodation, knowing full-well it would lead to someone much farther down the food chain jumping through hoops the rest of weekend to make it happen.

More insidious examples point to offenders who commit acts of sexual violence against victims simply because they feel entitled; or people who commit fraud because they feel insurance companies overcharge; or insurance companies charging too much because…well, because they can.

Is it entitlement? Selfishness? Lack of humility? Neither? Something else?

I wrote in a previous article about ego and wakes of destruction left behind those who lack leadership acumen, emotional intelligence, or even basic empathy. Instead of boring you with more of the same, I’ll wrap up with few thoughts on humility versus entitlement.

In his book The Ideal Team Player, Patrick Lencioni writes of humility as lacking “…excessive ego or concerns about status.” He says “humility is the single greatest and most indispensable attribute of being a team player.” I’m not suggesting that entitlement is the opposite of humility, but it’s pretty easy to spot someone who thinks they’re all that. Many of them are the same people who feel entitled to special favor because of their position, who they know, or because they’re a little too big for their britches, as my grandma would say.

Big britches or not, here’s what I think I’m entitled to:

NOTHING.

Maybe that’s a little harsh (true or not).

I am entitled to:

  1. An honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work
  2. Protections outlined in the Constitution of the United States
  3. To be a good human being

Unfortunately, we are also entitled to be rotten human beings.

My hope is that the love of God and those of us who strive to be good human beings will continue to shine light into this dark world and overshadow the rottenness.

You’re also entitled to Get Strong, Be Strong, and Stay Strong.

A Few Good Men quotation retrieved 7/31/2019 from https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/A_Few_Good_Men 

Lencioni, Patrick. (2016). The ideal team player. Hoboken, NJ: Jossey-Bass.

Create Your Opportunity

Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. I’ve only given a few graduation speeches in my life, but aside from the video preview to this article, I don’t recall ever offering that advice to anyone…graduating or otherwise. While I understand and appreciate the sentiment, it strikes me the same way ‘work smarter not harder’ does; as if hard work is a bad thing. On the contrary, I think the world and more than a few people in it would do well to do more of it. And no matter how much you love what you do, success is going to take work. Hard work…and lots of it.

I don’t begrudge people offering quips like those to motivate and inspire, for there’s wisdom in each of them. My point is, the ‘real world’ isn’t going to be all unicorns and rainbows. Life is going to challenge you; people are going to hurt and disappoint you; the career you envision may leave you unfulfilled or uninspired. Adulting is going to take hard work, commitment, various unpleasantries, and searching for answers to questions that haven’t even been asked yet.

I know by now you’ve heard more than a few times the importance of continuing your education. Formal education is hugely important. I think informal education and knowledge gained through life experience, hard work, and helping others are also very important. In other words, commit to a never-ending quest for learning and growth. Increasing knowledge from education and experiences; learning from mistakes and successes; growing from defeats and victories. Strive to glean some redeeming value from whatever situation you face.

This is all pretty typical of what graduates expect to hear at their commencement. About now in the speech I would be obliged to say something profound like “now go change the world!” The thing is, most in this current generation have already been doing that. Young people today have had to adapt and learn more things, more quickly, with wider more immediate implications than perhaps any generation before. So I simply challenge you to keep it up…in any positive way possible. Keep making the world a better place. Be ready to conquer the giants that you face in your life and overcome obstacles in your way. Understand that you can’t do it alone. It’s important to be a good teammate, a good friend, a good human being. And in whatever you do, keep moving forward. Make constant improvement in some area of your life. Do at least one thing better today than you did yesterday.

A matter of hours ago, I watched my youngest child walk across the stage and receive her diploma. She’s had an incredible journey that includes local and national academic honors as well as All-State athletic recognition. More importantly, she’s a caring, civic-minded young lady involved in community and church. So focused on others, in fact, that she included a note with every invitation asking people coming to her open house to bring a new pair of shoes for children in Haiti rather than gifts for her.

I don’t say all that to be boastful…I say it because I have been blown away by her and her classmates’ academic, athletic, and civic accomplishments. Despite reports that Millennials, Post-Millennials, or those considered Generation Z are self-centered or otherwise inwardly focused, my experience is completely opposite. The future is in good hands, and they have challenged me to do more and to do better myself.

And also to wonder how a broken man like me could be blessed with such amazing children as my daughter and her older brothers.

I’m going to end with a few takeaways.

Tim Bograkos , a former Michigan State University basketball player who went on to play professionally overseas prior to entering the business world, recently spoke at a local scholar-athlete banquet. He challenged the athletes to do the work, prepare for the game, and wait for their opportunity.  I add not simply to wait for your opportunity, but create your opportunity.  Relentlessly pursue whatever it is you love.  Do your best and work hard at it.  Take care of yourself; physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Likewise take care of others.  

When you face challenges or make mistakes, learn from them. Get up, dust yourself off, keep moving forward. Don’t let those define who you are or how far you will go. 

Love people. Make this world a better place through whatever you choose to do next. Perhaps St. Francis of Assisi’s words convey it best: Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying to ourselves that we receive eternal life.

Congratulations, Graduates! I appreciate the opportunity to deliver this ‘virtual’ commencement speech.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Memorial Day

1 Comment

Honoring those who have fallen in service to others…and those who served and have since fallen. Thank you. #strength #honor #courage #service #beyondstrengkth

Egos & Empires

I recently attended the retirement celebration of a former supervisor, colleague, and long-time friend. It is not an understatement to say he defines what a great leader should be. He’s visionary, courageous, decisive, passionate, genuine, caring, and humble to a fault. For instance, his estimation that a lack of interest in attending would result in cancellation of the festivities couldn’t have been more wrong. The formal program lasted easily more than three hours, due to the high number of presenters showering him with gifts and publicly testifying to this man’s impact on their lives and careers. Each speaker offered an oration intended to communicate that which could never be done adequately; what an amazing human being and leader he is.

I am not exaggerating when I say this man is unanimously regarded as one of the most (if not THE most) respected leaders in recent history of his organization. To put that into perspective, consider this: I help facilitate a three-week leadership course sponsored by a leading international police organization. It has been administered twice a year in my organization since 2012, accounting for over 500 participants so far. Non-attribution is one of the rules of engagement, wherein participants sharing examples of horrible bosses are not to identify said example. However, when leaders or situations defining great leadership are shared, names are permitted. The man I write of is mentioned by name easily tenfold more often than anyone else as epitomizing great leadership. Tenfold is probably an understatement. This man doesn’t just talk the talk, he walks it.

I’m not certain whether his quintessential leadership aplomb is conscious and deliberate, or just a natural byproduct of genuinely caring about people. Either way, that’s how it should be done.

Influential leaders inspire others to follow, regardless of the rank or position they hold. Poor leaders, task masters, and leadership ‘posers’ use rank, position, power, control and intimidation to compel others to follow them. There’s often an obvious lack of loyalty to any position, specialty, boss, or colleague in favor of the next promotion…again regardless of the position, speciality, boss, or colleague. We often see them smugly look down their nose as they over-estimate their own importance and qualifications while underestimating their subordinates’; arbitrarily or unnecessarily change structure or policy; or spew laudatory comparisons between themselves and truly great leaders as if they, themselves, sould be considered in the same realm. The reality is that most aren’t even in the same solar system. I’m not sure which is worse: a person who falsely believes they are a great leader and thus sees no need to change, or the person who doesn’t care whether they are or not.

Sadly, they are often recognized by the debris field of broken spirits and shattered career aspirations they leave behind as they move through the organization. For it is in their zeal to advance their own agenda, add to their bankroll, increase their status, keep shining subordinates whom they feel threatened by appropriately oppressed, or build a personal empire that these types of ‘leaders’ leave a wake of destruction behind. You know the cliche…managers manage things; leaders lead people. They’re not leaders.

When a leader truly cares about people, those people’s careers, and how the two can be married-to-the-mission in a win-win for all, moving up the corporate ladder is only and always a means for making people and the organization better through wider influence. It’s never about themselves.

I’ve heard you should be careful who you step on during your climb to the top, because you’ll need those people when you get there, and you’re surely going pass them again on your way down. Chances are pretty good they’ll remember how you treated them.

So how can organizations can stop the hemorrhaging of decent, high quality, hardworking, dedicated people from the organization? I’m talking about the ones tired of being victimized, under appreciated, and underutilized by mangers like that…often in favor of inexperienced, under qualified ‘in-groupers’ simply because they’ve had a sponsor helping them along in the organization. I would love to know your thoughts.

The respected leader I started with built an empire of respect, caring, professionalism, and adoration. He leaves a legacy, quite unintentionally, made up of followers who would do just that – follow him. Anywhere, anytime, and under any circumstance. I pray for more leaders like that in every organization so at some point in the future, empires built of egos, on foundations of self-serving motives, fall into extinction. When that happens, those who rise to prominence simply by knowing the right people – and caring about none – will cease to prosper.

Better still, that they would humble themselves and become leaders worthy of their position and responsibility.

Like Kevin.

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Wakes of Destruction (video preview)

Have you ever watched someone ascend through the ranks or climb the corporate ladder by impressing all the right people, all while leaving a wake of human destruction behind them? Enjoy this video preview of what I’ll be writing about my next article. #leadership #beyondstrengkth

New Beginnings

“Light is sweet; how pleasant to see a new day dawning.” – Ecclesiastes 11.7

As last year closes, many of us will use the breaking of this new one to try to leave disappointments, failures, unrealized goals, and pain behind.  We breach the new almanac with renewed optimism, commitment, and focus.  Likely today, we are all-in for a new beginning. 

While we may start off the New Year fired up with ‘guns-a-blazin’, the reality is that ‘resolution’ will be little more than cliché as a large majority of us will lose focus and fall back into the demotivation, destructive habits, thinking traps, or emotional constipation/diarrhea (each equally unpleasant!) within a few weeks.  

So what’s the answer?  Heck, I don’t know.  If I had a nickel for every time some so-called expert, ‘life-coach’, or fitness guru whose only job is to work out all day told me all I had to do is…[fill in the blank], I’d be rich.  Take it from an average-at-best schmo who does have a day job; can’t be in the gym all day and wouldn’t get paid to be even if he could be there all day; isn’t in this for money, fame, or his own talk show; is admittedly simple-minded and really just wants to help.  There’s much to learn from other people’s mistakes and life experiences, and I think we can help each other get and stay motivated. 

I need plenty of help, myself.  If you’ve read my previous articles or checked out the Home, About Beyond Strength, and About the Author links on the website, you’ll understand this is as much about working on myself as it is helping others.  I also know from decades of investigating violent crimes, playing & coaching sports, and serving in the military that success is a team sport.  In fact, I have an entire speech queued at any given time on the importance of teamwork.  I’ll spare you that narrative here, but as someone who’s about as messed up and needy as anyone out there, I’m confident we can help each other get beyond some things, get over ourselves, and get on with our lives in the New Year.     

Physical wellness:

Be consistent, no matter your current level of physical fitness.  If you need to start somewhere, start small.  Build your consistency by creating a habit.  If you’re just getting started or restarted, commit to just walking 15-20 minutes two or three times a week.  Treadmill, indoors, or outdoors are all fine.  Walk at a pace that is more than lollygagging but less than a jog.  In other words, maintain a pace that requires some effort and elevates your heart rate a bit.  On a treadmill, I expect on average that’s somewhere between 2.5 and 4 mph.  As you begin to feel better, healthier, and more energetic, add time or distance.  Stretching and yoga are also great ways to get more active. 

If you are already well-along or more advanced physically, renew your commitment…and stick to it.  I have found success getting up 45 minutes earlier than normal and knocking it out in the morning.  It’s too easy to get distracted or exhausted after a long day and end up blowing it off.  

For ideas on fitness training, the internet is plentiful.  There’s a great article on the Air Force Marathon website about slowing down to avoid strain and build your endurance engine.  Or feel free to visit the Fitness & Workouts link on my website for ideas, read my previous article On Fitness, or email me.

Emotional/Spiritual wellness:

Again, be consistent.  Avoid the desire to be constantly ‘plugged-in’.  Rest, quiet your mind, take walks in nature, laugh, pray, read, forgive (others & yourself).  For some book ideas, see my recommended reading list. 

Vocational wellness:

Commit to doing your best every day.  That doesn’t include comparing yourself to others, gossiping about coworkers, participating in (or creating) an office drama club.  It simply means ending each day confident that you gave your best effort.  You don’t ever have to be the most highly educated or talented person to be happy, contribute, or make a difference.  Here’s a list one of my good friends and mentors shared during a 2016 command senior enlisted conference.  I’ve seen other variations of it, and I’ve added a few points of my own.  

Things that require zero talent:

Being on time; work ethic; effort; energy; passion; coachability; being prepared; doing more than expected; gratitude; attitude; respect; compassion.

My goals this year include what’s above, as well as reaching more people, hearing from more people, loving more people, helping more people.  I hope you have a plan for the New Year, as well.  And that it includes making yourself and the world a little better each day. 

“A compassionate man does not stand detached from the sufferings of others.  Rather, he steps into the world of the hurting and feels the pain and anguish of the one suffering.” – David Jeremiah

Get Strong.  Be Strong.  Stay Strong.

Happy New Year!

Preparing for Mistakes

1 Comment

Martin Fanbee is quoted by then Colonel David L. Goldfein in his book Sharing Success Owning Failure as saying “Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.”  I’m making more than my fair share…so you’re welcome.

Mistakes are not only the result of weakness and poor decisions, but also the result of failing to prepare.  I left off last time talking about being prepared, as well as the consequences of being unprepared.  Our failure to prepare often results in discomfort at best and utter chaos, disaster, or severe heartache at worst.

Thanks to a televised Janet Jackson incident some years ago, I now know the proper terminology for my many embarrassing clothing mishaps.  On the ‘discomfort’ end, being unprepared for wardrobe malfunctions has resulted in my tie in the toilet while pulling up my pants, a favorite tie in the shredder while still attached to my neck, and not having any tie at a black-tie affair.  Toward the other extreme, being unprepared to raise children resulted in many missteps, mistakes, and missed opportunities; and the realization I probably should have waited until age 50 to have them.  Of course, I never would have won an arm-wrestling match if that were the case.

I have spent nearly my entire life preparing my body to withstand a career in the profession of arms, to be functionally fit, and to feel good about the way I look when I pass by a full-length mirror naked.  I have likewise tried to prepare my mind for critical thinking and vocational success by gaining wisdom and knowledge.  And I have spent a good deal of time helping others do likewise.  But despite all that, I remain insecure and emotionally unprepared in many ways.  These weaknesses sometimes lead to carelessly being drawn into situations I know better to avoid.

Similar to preparing for cold weather by wearing bread bags in your boots, string mittens, and so many layers of winter clothes that there would be little need for side-impact airbags in your car, maybe preparing for life involves putting on a few things.  Things like armor…literally and metaphorically; physically and emotionally.

Literature convinces us that in medieval times, knights were powerful symbols of bravery and nobility.  But a knight wasn’t a knight overnight.  It took years of training, learning, and preparation.  The page learned from the squire, who learned from the knight.  The knight prepared and affirmed his commitment to knighthood by learning and living chivalrous knighthood ideals such as being brave in battle; loyal to God and King; willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good. And to be merciful, humble, courteous, gracious, and gentle.  I read somewhere that ‘not all knights were great men, but all great men were knights!’

Armor provides a great metaphor for the importance of preparation…even better than your mom’s recommendation of always wearing clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.  There’s perhaps no better rendering than that of Apostle Paul in the sixth chapter of Ephesians when it comes to preparing for life.  He used the battle dress of the Roman soldier as his object lesson, but we can relate in the same way to today’s law enforcement officer or military fighter.

It begins with being ready to stand firm under pressure (also mentioned in a previous article).  It is followed by donning the proper equipment (or pieces of armor), each one serving a literal protective purpose and metaphorically representing spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical protections.  The first is the ‘belt of truth’; used by the soldier to mount weapons, secure garments, and protect or ‘gird’ the loins and lower body.  We all have secrets in dark places we never want revealed.  But spiritual truth is needed in a dark world.  “In the long run, it matters little what others say or think; it matters a great deal whether or not truth stands.” – Wendell L. Miller

The next few pieces are the breastplate (body armor), protective footwear (practical to the situation), the shield, and the helmet (headgear).  Each one representing a facet of spiritual faith and practical physical use…and each defensive in nature.  The last piece Paul cites happens also to be the only offensive piece of equipment – the sword (duty weapon).

We could go much deeper here, but I’m sure you get the picture.  Sure, you visualized them at least once through all that looking exhausted from battle and caked with dust and dripping with sweat, blood and tears.  But think of them all cleaned up, standing tall and proud, crisp and ready for inspection.  There’s nothing like a man or woman in uniform.  They look pretty damn good, right?!  A regular knight in shining armor…

But beware, trusted caballeros.  When one puts on all that shiny armor, there may be a certain visual appeal that draws attention that may become a stumbling block for the weak or unprepared.  If you are prepared for random notes on your car, impromptu show-ups, and terms of endearment like ‘Muffin Tushy’ or ‘Applesauce’, then not to worry.  If you’re not, I guess you’re more like I’ve been much of my life than you care to be and we’re back to paragraphs one through four.

I am my greatest adversary.  I need to prepare better.  I need the Armor of God.

Get Strong.  Be Strong.  Stay Strong.

Goldfein, D. L. (2001). Sharing success owning failure-preparing to command in the twenty-first century Air Force. Maxwell AFB, AL: Air University Press.