beyondstrengkth

Triumph, Tragedy, and Strength

In the difficult times, it is what is in you that comes out of you. I wrote those words down as soon I heard Don Denyes say them a few months ago.  Then I promptly forgot them. That is until two days ago.

Two days ago, I attended a local high school graduation ceremony with a thousand or so others. High school graduations are always a bit poignant as we wish our children and their friends well, anticipating the great things they will do to make the world a better place. And perhaps as we reminisce a bit about our own graduation so many years ago…contemplating whether we upheld our end of the bargain in making a difference in the world.

This school and these graduating seniors have already triumphed greatly and will no doubt continue to do great things.  Four Salutatorians and six Valedictorians were poised to speak to their fellow classmates and the many friends and family members on hand…quite possibly the largest audience most of them will ever have the honor (or horror) of addressing. It was remarkable. But we were about to witness something even more remarkable.

The day before the ceremony, a Thursday, I ran into a friend coming out of the barbershop as I was walking in. Jon and I used to play softball together and his dad, a pastor, was a friend and helped me through some tough times.  Jon and I have a common friend with whom he now works.  We made small talk and chatted about a promotion I didn’t know he had gotten.  Everything seemed great. The next day I had lunch with our common friend and told him I’d seen Jon.  He asked if Jon was doing ok.  It seems Jon’s pastor had been tragically killed in an automobile crash just the day before our barbershop run-in.  My first question was whether it was his father.  I was relieved to discover it was not, but as is common for me – and concrete evidence of my attention deficit – I found myself wondering why Jon doesn’t attend his dad’s church?

Nevertheless, I was saddened to learn of the untimely death of this local pastor.  He was a well-known, well-loved, and well-respected local man of God, and the community collectively grieved as news of this tragedy spread across the area.

Back to the graduation. You see, one of the class Valedictorians happens to be the son of this pastor.  As I looked over the program and compared the lineup of speakers seated on stage waiting to take their turn, the order didn’t match.  I silently acknowledged to myself how difficult that would have been to participate in a public graduation ceremony just two days after the unexpected death of someone as close as a father or mother, and then symbolically excused him from being there in my mind with sympathetic understanding.  The pastor’s son was the only male Valedictorian, and according to the program would have been the fourth Valedictorian to speak, had this tragedy not befallen his family.  So it was that I then found myself wondering who the lone young man was seated at the end of the row of five female Valedictorians.  Was this someone not listed in the program set to receive unknown special recognition?  Or were my eyes simply deceiving me?  Maybe I had miscounted the remaining honorees, since they also had the Salutatorians seated in the same row.

No. The order had been changed.  I, along with over a thousand others in the concert auditorium, were about to witness one of the most inspiring things many people have probably ever experienced.  The final person to speak would be an incredible young man whose father unexpectedly died just two days earlier.

He did all the things a good public speaker is supposed to do. He stood tall. He made good eye contact. He captivated the audience. He was clear, concise, and delivered an oration that was moving and insightful.  I wept, with pride and anguish, as I expect many in attendance that evening did.  This remarkable young man calmly told us his father recently passed away.  He spoke of the honor and dignity with which his father lived.  He spoke unapologetically about the love of God, family, and community his father displayed and instilled in him as he grew.  He told us how his father, just days prior, was helping him with his speech and shared a verse with him.  He was no doubt preparing his son not only to reach those listening to his speech, but for a life of service beyond graduation.  Little did he know how profound this verse would be just days later… “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9 is a life-verse to many.  It is frequently quoted, memorized, shared on social media, scrawled in graffiti, and tattooed on people’s bodies as a reminder that even in the most difficult or challenging times, we can be strong and courageous because we are never alone.

The kind of strength we witnessed when a grieving, graduating high school Valedictorian chose to not only attend his graduation (when no one would blame him for not doing so), but to courageously deliver his speech and use that opportunity to reach others as a proxy of God’s glory is truly going beyond strength.  I want to be more like him.

Get Strong.  Be Strong.  Stay Strong

Lest We Forget…

“By this we know love, because he laid down his life for us.”  These are the words of the apostle John, written somewhere around A.D. 90.  John was referring to Jesus Christ in the first half of that verse, but he goes on in the second half of the same verse to say, “And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” (1 John 3:16).  The next few verses of that passage then articulate what I consider some of the most insightful facts about love ever documented, the bottom line of which is this: genuine love ALWAYS results in action…not just sentimental words.  Memorial Day is a holiday through which we rightfully pause to remember the loving action of ultimate sacrifice by those defending freedom.

Since 1775, more than a million American service members have died in wars and conflicts to preserve the freedoms we hold dear, fighting for our independence.  They helped create the world we live in and paved the long road of democracy we continue walking today.  We all owe them our gratitude for the freedom to live, work, play, express our faith, and raise our families.  I’m especially mindful today of those thousands of brave sons and daughters who paid the ultimate sacrifice fighting our nation’s wars…who died while preserving our way of life.

These men and women were some of America’s best and brightest.  They gave their lives on the blood-soaked beaches of Normandy, in the jungles of the South Pacific, and over the skies of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan.  They fought and died on the icy slopes of the Korean Peninsula and in the rice paddies of Vietnam.  More recently, they have fought and fallen in the mountains of Afghanistan and in the deadly streets of Iraq.  Only those who have seen the horrors of war firsthand can ever truly know what these Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines may have gone through in their final moments.

“…I think of all those guys killed in action, wounded in action, and their friends, their relatives and all those altered lives.  How could I forget?  It’s not so much what we went through as it is knowing what the other guys went through.  They died dirty.  They died hot, hungry and exhausted.  They died thinking that their loved ones would never know how they died.”  Clinton Poley, 2nd Platoon, Charlie Company, 1st Battalion, 7th Cavalry in the Ia Drang – as written in Lt. Gen. Harold G. Moore’s book We Were Soldiers Once…And Young.

Even though the technology of war has changed dramatically since the American Civil War, the risks and suffering has not.  For brave Americans who bear that risk, no victory is free from sorrow.  This nation’s men and women fight proudly, but we likewise know the price and weigh the cost each time we see another flag-draped coffin carrying the remains of another fallen hero home.  I can tell you that having been there on the other end as some of those heroes began their journey back to the U.S., the loss is real…tangible…and tragic to those grieving, on both sides of the ocean.

It is humbling, and comforting, to realize that despite the known dangers, increased operations tempo, and unconventional enemy we now face, every member of the all-volunteer armed forces serving today has either enlisted or re-enlisted since September 11, 2001.  And as of 2013, more than half of those serving were seasoned combat veterans.

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

Shall be my brother; – Shakespeare, Henry V, Act IV, Scene 3

Those who have known combat make me think of these words from the Man in the Arena portion of Theodore Roosevelt’s ‘Citizenship in a Republic’ speech: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

America’s military has defended her throughout history with courage and honor.  Our service members raised their right and swore an oath, knowing what they had to do and what that cost might be…the shedding of blood.  Perhaps their own.  They are humble servants, serving something greater than themselves.  Remember the fallen…today and every day.

Get Strong.  Be Strong.  Stay Strong.

If you have an extra few minutes, I encourage you to watch this video about Air Force Pararescueman William Pitsenbarger, killed in action in Vietnam, April 1966.  Video courtesy of the United States Air Force.  http://www.airman.af.mil/HeritageToday/videoid/492074/dvpcc/false/#DVIDSVideoPlayer33885

I also encourage you to learn more about the high price Americans have paid in service to the nation by exploring the following link: https://www.va.gov/opa/publications/factsheets/fs_americas_wars.pdf

In the interest of proper attribution, some portions of the text above are from speeches I gave the last few years at Memorial Day events, with some of that content originally derived from military Public Affairs Office talking points provided for consistent messaging by those speaking in an official capacity.

Man in the Arena quote retrieved from: http://www.theodore-roosevelt.com/trsorbonnespeech.html

Shakespeare quote retrieved from: http://shakespeare.mit.edu/henryv/henryv.4.3.html

Gen Z Rhymes with Me

2 Comments

“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.” – Anais Nin (emphasis added).

Is it just coincidence that this latest generation, sometimes referred to as the ‘Internet Generation’, is identified by the same letter of the alphabet as the first letter of Facebook CEO and founder Mark Zuckerberg’s last name?  It probably is, but what an incredible example of fortuitous providence.

To be honest, I have not heard much about Generation Z up to this point, even though I have two children who would be considered within that generation.  But as fate would have it, I was compelled to learn more about it for a recent graduate class.  In examining this generation a bit more closely, and considering the two of my own children who are living examples (at least by chronology’s definition) of it, I’m not sure I completely agree with the theory that they only seem to care about themselves…although I certainly see tendencies in that direction!  However, I can also say that while many in this current generation may appear at first brush to be more self-centered than some other generations, the previous generation could be similarly described.  In fact, I expect people could ascribe this trait to most any generation.  Let’s be real here…didn’t your parents call your music choices into question with statements like “How do you even know what they’re saying?”; “You don’t have to play real music that loud to enjoy it.”; or “Don’t play that record backwards or you’ll hear Satan talking.”  Note: Generations Y and Z may well be confused by the term ‘record’ or simply the mind-blowing concept of playing any sort of music backwards.

Nonetheless, it would be a stretch and perhaps an unfair generalization to label an entire generation as only caring about themselves.  Like most anything else, I think it’s preferable to look at individual characteristics rather than generalizing a group based upon stereotypical factors or other biases.  Consider that one doctor who abuses his patients doesn’t signify that all doctors are perverts.  And one police officer who is a heavy-handed control freak doesn’t mean all police officers are racists or are looking for an opportunity to push someone around.  In the same way, not all those in Generation Z should be viewed as self-centered neophytes who believe they are the center of the universe.

So are there leadership implications?  For those who do lean in the direction of what’s in it for me (WIIFM), the effect on group performance can be significant.  When a group, team, or work unit is formed for the purpose of carrying out some function for an individual or organization, the mission or goal(s) for which the group was formed must come first.  When individual needs or desires within a group overshadow the group or organization’s objectives, the group is no longer functioning cohesively or collaboratively because that individual in engaged in self-interest roles within the group.  At that point the group dynamic has greater potential to become dysfunctional and should be corrected by either refocusing that individual or removing him/her from the group to bring harmony and proper focus back to the group.  This is true of any individual causing dysfunction or disharmony in the group – regardless of generation.

But refocusing an individual who is primarily concerned about their own interests is not likely to be an easy task.  I know…I speak from experience with both sides of that double-edged sword.  All people, regardless of their personality or disposition, have developed traits or characteristics through years of experience, observation, and perhaps some level of inherited predisposition.  Generation Z individuals are no different.  In fact, while I don’t personally have the empirical evidence to prove it, I expect that at least part of what led to some in this generation to over inflate their self-importance can be tied back to the pace of advancing technology…that technology creating greater independence and increased solitude resulting from that independence.  Loneliness in a crowd.  I also feel that society, in general, has become less tolerant and more selfish, with a very vocal – albeit relatively small percentage of the population promulgating an ‘it’s always someone else’s fault’ world view.  And that vocal minority is influential.  And that influence is powerful, fueled by polarizing political viewpoints and constant information overload via social media and 24 hour news channels.  With an impossible volume of information, not all of which is reliable or properly vetted, how could people of any generation not be swayed one way or the other?

I personally believe many in this fast-paced, information saturated generation have never had anyone take the time to slow them down, spend quality time with them, mentor them, or show them what it means to put others’ needs ahead of their own for the greater good of society.  And I believe all of this, or at the very least a combination of many of these factors, is what has inculcated within them the message that it is ‘all about them’.  Because, quite frankly, much of the last 18-20 years HAS been all about them.

Get Strong.  Be Strong.  Stay Strong.

Bad Days & Perspective

2 Comments

I’ve been a little under the weather the last couple of weeks, which is no surprise considering it seems the actual Michigan weather has been under the weather lately!  Unfortunately, it has taken a toll on my motivation and my fitness routine.  Combined with the resurrection of some painful memories and events I have worked hard to leave behind, I’ve been tempted to deep-dive into a quagmire of self-pity.  I even considered throwing a party in its honor.  You guessed it…a pity party.  Then during a review and update of my recommended reading list here at Beyond Strength, I was reminded of a very important concept concerning bad days and keeping things in perspective.  Which leads me to this post; a simple review of the book Escape from the Box – The Wonder of Human Potential by Col. Edward L. Hubbard USAF (Retired).

In November 2009, I had the opportunity to be in the audience and eventually meet former Vietnam Prisoner of War (POW) Colonel Ed Hubbard after he spoke at a military conference I attended in Texas.  The majority of the content of his presentation followed information and experiences contained within his book Escape from the Box – The Wonder of Human Potential (1994).

Escape from the Box was an eye-opening and inspirational book that I found a quick, entertaining, inspirational, and captivating read.  Colonel Hubbard arranged his book in three parts: Human Potential, The Price of Success, and Let Me Try.  He sets the stage for where he will take the reader in the human potential section.  Not only does Colonel Hubbard detail the circumstances of being shot down and ultimately captured after, as he puts it, he “…very cleverly intercepted a couple of surface-to-air missiles…” with his airplane over North Vietnam (p. 29), but he also reveals important details about his attitude and character; personal traits that would help him survive as a POW, and other characteristics that he would ultimately need to address in order for him to endure the over six and a half years of his captivity.

Colonel Hubbard shares many experiences from captivity that he and other Prisoners of War came to use as opportunities for learning and survival.  He makes a point not to share many of the more graphic details of the types of things that he and other prisoners endured, but instead illustrates how he came to appreciate and rely on things like faith, pride, courage, hope, and even competition to sustain him throughout his imprisonment.  He does an excellent job of relating lessons he learned and attributes of his character he applied to his situation in a way that demonstrates that anyone has opportunity, should they so desire and commit, to make “incremental improvements” in their lives.

Considering the years that have passed since the first edition of this book was published, some of what Colonel Hubbard writes about is almost prophetic.  He painstakingly (and often satirically) points out how the military will be required to do more with less because of decreasing personnel and resources.  And while certainly not a unique concept, he speaks candidly and un-affectionately (my words) about the number of so-called leaders who constantly make excuses why something can’t be done, while standing in the way of those true leaders who are actually doing it.

Throughout the book, Colonel Hubbard stresses the importance of listening, accountability, adapting to our changing culture, the power of attitude and enthusiasm, and so much more.  I found this to be an excellent book on life and leadership, which also served to pique my interest in researching more POWs and other combat veterans of the time to learn about their experiences, and how I can apply their lessons learned to my own leadership development and self-improvement.

Early in his book, Colonel Hubbard actually sums up nicely one of my primary take-a-ways from this reading, and one that I now try hard to live out: “Now is the time to stop talking about whether we can do things.  Now is the time to start talking about ‘How soon can we start and how soon can we finish?’” and “How can we do the job with the resources already available?’” (p. 39).

It reminds me of a quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”  The longer we make excuses and simply talk about doing what should be or needs to be done, the longer it takes to get it done – if it ever does.

Colonel Hubbard’s book is already included on Beyond Strength’s recommended ‘reading list’ page, along with books by a number of other POWs and combat veterans.  And I add to the list regularly.  I highly recommend you put this book on your personal list of things to read.  In fact, I think I have an extra copy I will gladly send to the first person expressing interest, either by email or comment to this post.  Copies are also readily available for purchase online.

This great American knows more about bad days and perspective than most human beings will ever know.  Please take time to learn more about him and his story here:

http://www.edhubbardpow.com/

Hubbard, E. L. (1994).  Escape from the box: the wonder of human potential. West Chester, PA: Praxis International.

 

Heroism – The Absence of Self

1 Comment

Admittedly, I have been struggling with what to write about this week.  Not that I don’t have dozens of themes rattling around in my head at any given moment and even more already written down just waiting to be refined into existence when the time is right.  But outside a loose plan to eventually dedicate certain topics to a given month, I generally find myself inspired in some unexpected way…usually by a current event or something dumb I’ve done recently (see earlier post ‘Irony or Incongruity?’).

Winter’s cold bite is holding on longer into spring than many think it should in Michigan, including me.  And running on the treadmill or elliptical just doesn’t have the same mind-clearing power that an outdoor run does.  And trust me when I tell you that I’ve needed some mind-numbing and mind-scrubbing the last six weeks or so.  So I ran outside today and that’s what I needed; as soon as the song ‘Heroes’ by Casting Crowns popped up in my playlist, I knew.

It’s pretty common to think of the less than one-percent of the population who serve in the military, others in the profession of arms, or firefighters and the like as heroes.  Justifiably so, in most cases.  In fact, I have a very good friend and mentor who, as a USAF Combat Controller, was part of the special operations forces participating in the Battle of Takur Ghar (Roberts Ridge); a deadly enemy encounter in Afghanistan during which seven Americans died and many others were wounded.  So significant has this man’s influence been on my life that a print of Keith Rocco’s painting “The Battle of Takur Ghar” hangs in my office in his honor, giving me the opportunity to tell others a small part of his story…one of courage, survival, and heroism.  But as I listened to the lyrics of the song, I was moved and reminded that heroism isn’t just about taking up arms to fight for others or running into a burning building.  It’s doing those everyday things, the little things and the big things, that make a difference.

She’s on her own, two girls at home
Thirteen years just up and walked away
And left her all alone
With bills to pay and mouths to feed
And every day she’s taking care of everybody else’s needs

But she’s finding her strength in the One love that won’t ever leave her
So she works and she prays and she loves and she stays ’cause they need her

These are the heroes, just ordinary people
Laying down their lives like angels in disguise
They’re weak but always willing
They dare to do the hard things
And in the dark and desperate places no one else goes
You’ll find the heroes

There are heroes walking among us every day…both the obvious types and the not-so-obvious types.  We often hear the term hero tossed around in sports, such as ‘heroes of the gridiron’; or when captivated by celebrities and business icons; and of course ‘super heroes’ who carried many a young person through tough times in old-school comics and have found new life in Hollywood re-creations that take our minds and hearts to another place for a couple of hours.  But there are other heroes…those fighting battles without and within.  Those who stand ready to do battle at home and abroad; or help those who cannot help themselves; or who remain loyal to their cause, even if that cause be simply to persevere with faith through dark circumstances in a dark world so that others may see something good.

I’ve heard it said, and have repeated it myself, that courage is not the absence of fear but rather it is the absence of self.  Norris L. Tibbetts perhaps put it better when he wrote “Heroes are those who are so interested in others that they forget about themselves.”  Easier said than done for many people, I expect.  The USAF Airman’s Creed states in part “…I am an American Airman…guardian of freedom and justice…my nation’s sword and shield, its sentry and avenger…I defend my country with my life.”  All other branch’s creeds state similar commitment and conviction.  Thousands of young men and women have given their lives in the cause for freedom and each Memorial Day we remember fondly, and with great sorrow, the sacrifice of every lost Soldier, Sailor, Marine, and Airman.  It is those courageous individuals, along with all others in the past and those still serving today, who stood toe to toe with our adversaries, offering themselves as shields for America to keep war from reaching our front door.  Each of them knew their duty and chose selflessness.  Let’s certainly not forget those heroes.

But let’s likewise not forget the ‘ordinary’ people who are heroes to many, or perhaps just heroes-in-waiting.

My daughter wrote a paper for school recently and named me as her hero.  It reminded me of a note she wrote to me as the holidays approached the year after I returned from Iraq.  In it she wrote “Daddy…I was really excited and relieved when I heard that you were staying home for CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!”   Like that note, I couldn’t read the hero paper without welling up with tears.  I was a wreck…I know the real me and how unworthy I am to be held in such esteem.  Yet to my daughter, I am a hero.  So whether you’re fighting crime, fighting the enemy, fighting debilitating disease, battling personal demons, or battling everything this world is throwing at you just to care for your children or family, remember that you are a hero to someone.  True love always involves sacrifice, and heroes aren’t afraid of sacrifice.  I challenge you this day, as German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche wrote long ago, “Throw not away the hero in thy soul.”

Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Matthew West

Heroes lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group

Be Your Best

I’m not a huge basketball fan…neither college nor professional.  But as I sit here watching the NCAA men’s national championship game, the ‘home town team’ having made a hasty and premature departure from the tournament, I realize that perseverance, dedication, and heart have all played large in determining the final two teams to wage battle for top honors.  It occurs to me, as it did watching the highlight reels of those many underdog-upset victories in the early rounds, it is in those moments that these young men are truly focused on being the best they can be.

As I traveled the state, country, and the world as a senior enlisted military leader talking to soldiers and airmen, a popular question I got was “what can I do/what do I need to do to get to where you are?”  My answer was always this: be the best you can be, wherever you are.  Be the best Soldier or Airman you can be.  Be the best cook or mechanic; the best medic or bomb loader; the best leader or follower.  That’s it.  You may or may not get that promotion you want or think you deserve; or maybe that you are more qualified for.  But when you work hard at being the very best you can be, wherever you are, you will be ready for the next opportunity when it comes along.  In the case of the Cinderella story superstars who broke the hearts and brackets of a whole lot of NCAA basketball fans, they were ready, and their time came.  But what if that opportunity never comes (unlikely as it may be), how bad is it, really, if you are simply YOUR VERY BEST wherever you are?

I believe at least three things are important to being the best you can be.  They are readiness, teamwork, and constant improvement.  For the sake of respecting your time and managing mine, I’ll give you the short version here…

Readiness: I once heard former director of the Air National Guard, Lieutenant General Sid Clarke, say that we consistently plan for things that never happen, and things happen every day that we never planned for.  To minimize those times when faced with things not planned for, maintain a breadth and depth of readiness to be as completely prepared as possible.  Be well read, well-traveled, well educated, and well experienced.  In other words, control what you can control by maintaining “the highest level of personal readiness”, as the United States Air Force Enlisted Force Structure articulates.  That’s the first order of business.

Teamwork: No one is an island.  Real teamwork is easily seen in successful sports programs.  A lack of same is equally as evident.  I heard Doctor Mark Evans of the United States Military Academy jokingly say “I expect you all to be independent, innovative, critical thinkers…who will do exactly as I say.”  It’s not just about you.  Take a moment and think about the last time you did something by yourself.  Check that…think of the last time you ’accomplished’ something meaningful or worthwhile by yourself.  It simply doesn’t happen.   We need each other.  That’s why many coaches and managers will gladly take a roster made up of unselfish athletes of ‘average’ talent who play with heart and put the team above their own ambitions over one with a superstar or two who never quite achieve synergy.

Improvement: Getting a little better in some way, each and every day.  Money master Dave Ramsey calls it baby steps and compound interest; Doctor Gary Smalley describes it as the power of one; radio personality Dr. Randy Carlson calls it the power of one thing; natural strong-man Stuart McRobert refers to it as progressive poundage; and former Vietnam Prisoner of War Ed Hubbard attributes ‘incremental improvements’ to achieving the wonder of human potential during captivity and beyond.  The point is to make constant improvement a habit and a lifelong commitment.  Strive for it…repeatedly. If you can go to bed each night reflecting on your day and identify even just one thing you did better than the day before, consider it a victory.  My goal is to do a little bit better each day, and improve myself and those around me along the way.  To leave the people I know, the things I borrow, and the world in general better than I found them.

I can best do that by always striving to be the best I can be, wherever I am and whatever I’m doing.

Get strong.  Be strong.  Stay strong.

 

Irony or Incongruity?

Incongruity (n): The state or quality of being incongruous.

Incongruous (adj): Not corresponding or conforming; at odds

Leave it to me to waste no time in creating new subjects to write about before I prefer to write about them.  In fact, I would prefer never to write about this.  And leave it to God to waste no time reminding me an important lesson about congruence in my thoughts, my talk, and my walk.  Yeah…well the Bible says in the Book of Acts “…I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man” (24:16).  Consider this post clearing my conscience.  Here’s the story…

If you read my previous post, you may have noted near the conclusion that I tied the discussion about giving and receiving compliments to leadership and the importance of being able to temper ‘criticism with positive affirmations or compliments’, and how a leader “should always strive to offset any criticism” by also delivering an “abundance positives.”  Man…that was some good stuff, right?

Unfortunately, despite talking about it (and usually doing a fairly good job of walking it, too), I promptly went to work the very next day and was a complete jack-ass in the way I handled a staff-work/ assignment related issue.  I was harsh, defensive, unkind, and quite frankly a dick in how I responded to one of my people who politely voiced some criticism.  Not that this makes it any better – it may actually be worse – but I knew it was coming.  It was just a matter of time before I blew up, and I should have done more to prevent it.  I was becoming increasingly stressed and under intense pressure from overloaded work and my inability to catch up.  I recognized that I was becoming edgy.  In speaking with people, face-to-face and through email, I was increasingly abrupt.  Where I typically stay cheerful, pleasant, light-hearted and even playful, I had pretty much lost all sense of that.  And I had lost my patience for people and things they did (or didn’t do in a couple of instances).  Regardless, I have always prided myself on being able to remain calm and even-keeled in in those situations.  But through a series of unfortunate events and work related disappointments, one pertaining to a missed long-time career aspiration, that I failed to adequately reconcile, it all added up.  And do you know what the sum was?  Zero.  Because that’s what I felt like.  A zero.

It was creeping in at home, too.  You know…that place and those people who are used to getting that side of you anyway.  Because it’s much easier to be a jerk to those closest to you, right?  Well, think of that.  And multiply it.  By a lot.

The worst part was, the blow up at work happened between me and the one person on my staff I’m probably closest to from a personal standpoint.  Considering the above paragraph, maybe I’m onto something here.  So what happened to the March 26, 2018 Beyond Strength post about “avoiding judgment and treating others with dignity and respect helps ensure that regardless of the situation or subject matter, relating to other humans by saying nice things to each other is a skill worth developing.”?  Well That’s Fabulous (WTF).

Former Vietnam Prisoner of War Lee Ellis writes in his book Leading with Honor that we should “allow people to utilize their strengths, which are different from yours, to complement your struggles, which are different from theirs.  Your respect for others will grow as you focus on their positives and take ownership of your struggles” (2012) (emphasis added).

So has your boss ever come into your office and literally gotten down on his or her knees and said “I’m really sorry”?  Well I did that.  I didn’t know what else to do in the moments following the crap-sandwich I had served up during the meeting.  But I knew how bad I felt about how poorly I handled the situation, and the pain I must have caused by lashing out that way.  I needed to apologize and to take ownership for what I’d done.  There’s no other answer.  In fact, I probably should have just spent the rest of the day crawling around the office on my knees apologizing to everyone, because I’m sure they could all hear me barking and no doubt saw first-hand what a tool I’d been lately.

It was my issue; my fault; my struggle.  I know that, and I take responsibility for it.  And while it’s been a little awkward around the office, it’s slowly getting better.  I hope with time it will be even better than it was before.  And I also hope with time I’ll stop doing stupid things so I can write about non-stupid things; or maybe stupid things other people did.  But I know me…and chances are pretty good we’ll be having a lot more talks like this.

Get strong…Be strong…Stay strong…

Ellis, L. (2012). Leading with honor: leadership lessons from the Hanoi Hilton. FreedomStar Media.

Complimentary Complements

In his book The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren writes “The dark side of the desire for approval is the fear of disapproval” (2002).  One of the reasons I am passionate about this Beyond Strength endeavor is to help me deal with some significant self-doubts and insecurities, as well as help others who struggle similarly.  So it seems fitting that one of the first subjects that came to mind as I contemplated early essays pertains to the subject of giving and receiving compliments.  While this might seem like a softball subject to write about in a life, leadership and fitness blog, I believe the ability to give and receive feedback is critical to effective leadership (which includes giving and receiving compliments).

I consider myself fairly adept at giving timely and sincere compliments, and providing meaningful feedback.  However, actually receiving compliments is another story.  In fact, I struggle in this area.  A lot.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy being complimented.  In fact, I’m sure that most people want to be noticed or appreciated, and don’t mind hearing about it when they are.  I think in my case, like many others, it has more to do with a general struggle with self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.

I have been told that I am overly critical of myself; that I beat myself up too much over mistakes I’ve made; that there is such a thing as being humble to a fault; and that I don’t have any reason to be self-conscious or insecure.  Yet those are all things I do and I feel every day.  And while I am working hard to examine my ‘back-story’ so as to better understand why I might feel this way (and find productive ways to fix it), it’s easier said than done to suddenly change into someone who is quietly confident or who openly “owns it” or “embraces it”…whatever “it” is.

I believe the theory that other people’s perspectives may help us understand more about ourselves.  In fact, that’s one reason I make a point to give a lot of compliments and positive affirmation to others – I want them to know how I see them.  But I struggle to accept the same.  It makes little sense, especially because of my personal neediness and strong desire to be affirmed by others.  I can’t speak for others who might wrestle with this, but in my case I believe at least part of my difficulty receiving compliments has to do with poor decisions, mistakes I’ve made in my past, or internal strife because of my thought life making me feel unworthy of any such praise.  I can also remember an instance several years ago where I was accused of being arrogant by someone who knew nothing about me and probably made that accusation out of their own insecurity.  It hurt me a great deal and has had a lasting effect on how I project myself to others – to the point of regular self-deprecation – perhaps in an attempt to be absolutely certain no one would ever think of me that way again.  So I deflect, minimizing or completely rejecting people’s genuine compliments.

But maybe there’s more.  Is it possible that the perspectives of people who resist compliments are undermined by having been hurt, heartbroken, deceived, or taken for granted by people close to them?  I believe when this happens, there is a defensive tendency to erect walls, remain emotionally guarded, or behave in other ways to distance ourselves, presuming it will protect us from future hurt.  Call it social self-sabotage, for lack of a better term.  The snowball grows as it gains momentum, and the problem is further compounded as skepticism, failing to be appropriately vulnerable and transparent in relationships, or not accepting compliments at face-value creep in as we fear being deceived and played for a fool.  The down-side, of course, is that it can lead to an outward projection of neediness; or on the opposite end of the spectrum, lead to relational coldness – when in reality, we are often screaming inside at the top of our lungs for someone to just tell us what we need to hear…that we are appreciated…that we matter…that we’re not worthless.

The giving and receiving of compliments is not only a complex social issue, but as pointed out earlier, it can be a delicate leadership issue as well.  Some leaders are masterful at critical feedback, but not so good at tempering that criticism with positive affirmations or compliments.  Not that I have this all figured out, but I do believe that a leader should always strive to offset any criticism – positive or negative – by also delivering an abundance of positives.  Everyone has positive attributes or things they do well.  It is wise to balance constructive criticism with positive feedback and compliments.  This approach helps both the giver and receiver better deal with the tricky subject of critical feedback and compliments.

In conclusion, the subject of compliments can be awkward enough on its own.  It becomes even more challenging when taking into account one’s ability to give or receive compliments may involve deep emotional complexities not known to the other party.  But like everything else in human relations, avoiding judgment and treating others with dignity and respect helps ensure that regardless of the situation or subject matter, relating to other humans by saying nice things to each other is a skill worth developing.  And so is appreciating when people say nice things about you.

Get strong…Be strong…Stay strong…

Warren, R. (2002). The purpose driven life: what on earth am I here for? Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

So begins this journey…

“We have only to follow the thread of the hero path. Where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outwards, we shall come to the center of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with the world.” -Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (as shared by Richard Rohr in Falling Upward).

Beyond Strength is where I begin to find myself again…