Finishing Well

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When I recorded the video preview, this article was intended as motivation to finish well as I close in on retirement. I had no idea the next two weeks would be a collision of parallels between finishing a career well and finishing a life well. With the unexpected passing of my mother-in-law, and two other funerals the same week, the connection was unmistakable.

Contextually, hints of resentment started percolating and I didn’t like it. Save for a few disappointments, I’ve had an extraordinary career…I refuse to spend the last few months of it embittered. A little self-reflection revealed two primary issues conspiring against this emerging, unwanted disposition.

Too many decisions are made for the primary benefit of those making them. That’s nothing new. What is new has been the perfect storm of social, civic, and public safety upheaval, resulting in declining sentiment toward policing and melodramatic policy decisions driven by political activism. Progress is good; change is necessary. But not when it benefits some to the exclusion of others. What once was among the noblest of professions is now one in which contempt and disrespect for those sworn to serve and protect has become an acceptable norm.

The criminal actions or irresponsibility of a few must not diminish the honor and distinction with which the vast majority of public safety professionals serve. Many who have dedicated their lives to protecting and serving are exhausted and anguished. The current environment creates the potential for a profession that once attracted the altruistic and humble to instead draw those primarily motivated by power and authority. That’s not progress. But neither is it something I have control of.

The second issue is unforgiveness. I have too-long held onto hard feelings about lost opportunities. Two were blatant instances of favoritism, bias, and partiality; the others less obvious, but no less disappointing and no less wrong. Unchecked, these types of inequities create an environment where people don’t feel psychologically safe, and some simply stop trying; helpless to change things and afraid to speak out.

That’s where I eventually found myself. Hurt, ruminating, and waiting for an apology that will never come. Empathy and healing aren’t high on the list of priorities for the leader, husband, wife, father, mother, or friend unwilling or incapable of apology. Another thing I have no control of.

What is within my control are my attitude and actions.

In his book The Socrates Express, Eric Weiner quotes Gandhi as saying that no man “…takes another down a pit without descending into it himself.” Said another way by a good friend recently as we lamented current events, “We only end on a low note if we allow it.”

Avoiding low notes and pits by controlling what I can, and letting go what I can’t, seems obvious. Accordingly, I choose to finish well; maintain a positive attitude; avoid engaging in biased or self-serving decisions; and continue speaking out against injustice…socially and within my family, organization, and my profession.

And I choose to forgive…with or without an apology.

Besides, believers are urged to “…not grow weary while doing good” and “…not lose heart.” (Gal. 6.9).

My mother-in-law, Joy, never grew weary of doing good. She was one of the kindest, gentlest, most genuine people on the planet, who lived out her namesake every day. I had the privilege of speaking at her memorial, during which this portion of my remarks both applies here and convicts me:

“I say this with not an ounce of pride, ego, or self-serving motive; this woman, this most beautiful and tenderhearted of human beings, adored me.  An adoration I never deserved.  She was one of the few people I have ever known who truly loved unconditionally.  No matter how many times I messed up, was abrupt, spoke unkindly, or hurt her daughter in some way, she never stayed angry or judged me. Instead, she was always the first to forgive me. I will never understand why she felt that way about me, or why a guy like me was so blessed to be a part of this wonderful family…” 

My mother-in-law lived well, and despite her untimely passing, finished well. I’m a better man because of her.

Likewise, notwithstanding some disappointments along the way, I’m also a better man because of the organization I’ve been a part of for nearly 30 years.

I mentioned two goals in the preview video: finishing well and decluttering.

Finishing well means setting aside my grievances, knowing what I can and cannot control, and adjusting my attitude accordingly.

Decluttering means ridding myself of unnecessary junk…literally and figuratively.

In some ways, my profession and organization are unrecognizable today. That’s not necessarily a bad thing…it’s just not necessarily my thing.

Nonetheless, I choose to run with perseverance to the very end.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us…” (Heb. 12.1)

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.

Weiner, Eric (2020). The socrates express. New York, NY: Avid Reader Press.

Free Samples of Forgiveness

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“The best way of avenging yourself is not to become like [the wrongdoer].” Marcus Aurelius

I spend a fair amount of time reflecting on things from the past, struggling to keep pace with things in the present, and pondering things yet in the future. Admittedly, I sometimes get bogged down more than I should dwelling on past mistakes I’ve made or how I’ve been wronged by others. Counselors call it ruminating. Apparently it’s one of my super-powers.

It’s not lost on me that many of my struggles in this area are rooted in difficulties I’ve had with forgiveness. That includes accepting it and granting it. Thankfully, I’ve come a long way from the person I used to be in offering forgiveness. And while I sometimes still let things bother me for a short time, grudges generally pass quickly. Still, there are a few specific instances where a spirit of unforgiveness continues to linger – which is both absurd and frustrating to me considering the things I’ve done…and been forgiven for.

In my video preview to this article, I mentioned the rampant discourtesy of gorging, warehouse-store ‘free-samplers’. Two things come to mind on this: 1) While their careless, aisle-blocking oblivion irritates me at the time, forgiveness is swift and I’m generally over it before leaving the store. 2) I can’t help but think what a powerful witness this is to our modern lean toward excess, compared to the famines and desert wandering of Old Testament times. I’m dubious about our chances of survival if ever faced with similar circumstances. It’s taking your life in your own hands to get between some of those people and their free samples – even at a place with mountains of food readily available for purchase. Can you imagine the chaos if those free samples were it!?!? Quail and manna may feed us, but it probably wouldn’t save us from ourselves in today’s world…

In contrast, a less humorous example involves my own struggle with living out forgiveness in this way. As intimated earlier, one of my issues involves trouble eradicating recurring resentment for a few people because of things they’ve done that hurt me. That’s one of the reasons I chose ‘forgive’ as my word on a recent assignment. I truly want to be free of harboring these grudges. But as much as it embarrasses me to say this, I have trouble not thinking at least one other person’s word on that assignment should have been ‘hypocrisy’ instead of the word they chose. Worse yet, they probably have no clue (or don’t care) that the shoe fits.

Considering my own shortcomings and the whole context of this article, that probably should have been my word, too.

I’ll admit that in between plenty of blessings and joys, the year 2019 presented some significant challenges that certainly didn’t help my disposition: nagging tinnitus and a dried-up college fund; cancer diagnoses and surgeries for both a son and daughter-in-law; failing health of some loved ones; financial and marital challenges for other family and friends; and the passing of my mom just before the holidays, to name a few.

Mom was another person I still owed a measure of forgiveness to, by the way.

David Jeremiah wrote in one of his devotional books, “By God’s providence, every trial somehow returns a blessing in His time and way.”

Providentially, 2020 has started out much better than last year ended. My oldest and his wife are thus far cancer-free; my other son landed his dream job outside Washington, DC; my daughter was chosen for a potentially life-changing internship opportunity this summer; I was blessed be part of a mission team that traveled to Greece to provide humanitarian relief for thousands of refugees. I’ve also recommitted to eating healthier, changing some workouts to keep fighting off Father Time, reading more, finishing my master’s degree, getting more involved again at church, and getting back to other things I enjoy, like theatre.

I’ve also committed to work hard every day to get over myself, be more grateful for the undeserved forgiveness I’ve been granted, and to let go.

Mostly, I just want to be a kinder, more compassionate, and more considerate human being.

I might even hand out a few free samples of forgiveness…whether they deserve it or not.

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matt. 6.14-15

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.