Incongruity (n): The state or quality of being incongruous.
Incongruous (adj): Not corresponding or conforming; at odds
Leave it to me to waste no time in creating new subjects to write about before I prefer to write about them. In fact, I would prefer never to write about this. And leave it to God to waste no time reminding me an important lesson about congruence in my thoughts, my talk, and my walk. Yeah…well the Bible says in the Book of Acts “…I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man” (24:16). Consider this post clearing my conscience. Here’s the story…
If you read my previous post, you may have noted near the conclusion that I tied the discussion about giving and receiving compliments to leadership and the importance of being able to temper ‘criticism with positive affirmations or compliments’, and how a leader “should always strive to offset any criticism” by also delivering an “abundance positives.” Man…that was some good stuff, right?
Unfortunately, despite talking about it (and usually doing a fairly good job of walking it, too), I promptly went to work the very next day and was a complete jack-ass in the way I handled a staff-work/ assignment related issue. I was harsh, defensive, unkind, and quite frankly a dick in how I responded to one of my people who politely voiced some criticism. Not that this makes it any better – it may actually be worse – but I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time before I blew up, and I should have done more to prevent it. I was becoming increasingly stressed and under intense pressure from overloaded work and my inability to catch up. I recognized that I was becoming edgy. In speaking with people, face-to-face and through email, I was increasingly abrupt. Where I typically stay cheerful, pleasant, light-hearted and even playful, I had pretty much lost all sense of that. And I had lost my patience for people and things they did (or didn’t do in a couple of instances). Regardless, I have always prided myself on being able to remain calm and even-keeled in in those situations. But through a series of unfortunate events and work related disappointments, one pertaining to a missed long-time career aspiration, that I failed to adequately reconcile, it all added up. And do you know what the sum was? Zero. Because that’s what I felt like. A zero.
It was creeping in at home, too. You know…that place and those people who are used to getting that side of you anyway. Because it’s much easier to be a jerk to those closest to you, right? Well, think of that. And multiply it. By a lot.
The worst part was, the blow up at work happened between me and the one person on my staff I’m probably closest to from a personal standpoint. Considering the above paragraph, maybe I’m onto something here. So what happened to the March 26, 2018 Beyond Strength post about “avoiding judgment and treating others with dignity and respect helps ensure that regardless of the situation or subject matter, relating to other humans by saying nice things to each other is a skill worth developing.”? Well That’s Fabulous (WTF).
Former Vietnam Prisoner of War Lee Ellis writes in his book Leading with Honor that we should “allow people to utilize their strengths, which are different from yours, to complement your struggles, which are different from theirs. Your respect for others will grow as you focus on their positives and take ownership of your struggles” (2012) (emphasis added).
So has your boss ever come into your office and literally gotten down on his or her knees and said “I’m really sorry”? Well I did that. I didn’t know what else to do in the moments following the crap-sandwich I had served up during the meeting. But I knew how bad I felt about how poorly I handled the situation, and the pain I must have caused by lashing out that way. I needed to apologize and to take ownership for what I’d done. There’s no other answer. In fact, I probably should have just spent the rest of the day crawling around the office on my knees apologizing to everyone, because I’m sure they could all hear me barking and no doubt saw first-hand what a tool I’d been lately.
It was my issue; my fault; my struggle. I know that, and I take responsibility for it. And while it’s been a little awkward around the office, it’s slowly getting better. I hope with time it will be even better than it was before. And I also hope with time I’ll stop doing stupid things so I can write about non-stupid things; or maybe stupid things other people did. But I know me…and chances are pretty good we’ll be having a lot more talks like this.
Get strong…Be strong…Stay strong…
Ellis, L. (2012). Leading with honor: leadership lessons from the Hanoi Hilton. FreedomStar Media.