Nothing to Prove

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Invest your personality, at whatever sacrifice, for the good of others and the glory of God. ~ Frederick Erdmann Smith

Have you ever been really excited about an opportunity, felt good about how it went, then later began to doubt yourself or question the job you’d done?  Not like when you wish you’d made this point or that, or feel you could have said things differently to make your talk, position, or argument more complete or persuasive. That’s just nitpicking your delivery.  

I’m referring to the more insidious creep of self-doubt.  

The last three months have been both incredibly busy and profoundly rewarding.  Spanning two countries, several states, six time zones, and traveling over 15,000 miles, it was a blend of contract work, consulting, and speaking engagements.  I had the privilege of delivering opening remarks at a conference for one of those speaking engagements.  

I was both excited and humbled to have been considered for such an honor.  The assignment itself wasn’t something new; I’ve delivered keynotes, lectures, taught, and presented in various settings and audience sizes all over the world.  In fact, this was one of several other appearances and presentations over these three months. But much of the time my public speaking has been married to existing responsibilities, position held at the time, or instructing, lecturing, and teaching.  This one was a bit of an anomaly; it originated through my website.

Prior acquaintance with the requestor may have pointed him my way, but very few requests originate through this blog. Appearances outside those listed above tend to arise via word of mouth or referrals of friends and business associates.  So infrequent are legitimate, non-marketing related emails to my blog that I largely began to ignore that account, carelessly overlooking that the ‘Speaking Requests’ link gathering virtual cobwebs might actually be used to make a speaking request! Thankfully, after having it brought to my attention by a friend in common aware of the request (and my lack of response), the engagement came to fruition.  

I took it very seriously, and not just because I felt terrible about missing the original request. Because regardless of assignment, I feel it’s important to give my best. The last thing I want to do is let anyone down. In fact, years ago during one of those leadership/team-building/self-reflection exercises involving karate-chopping a board in two, my motivating afflictions in need of the Bruce Lee treatment were fear of failure and letting people down. That, and youthful aversion to embarrassment, were pretty good motivators to keep a slight lean toward perfectionism…and perhaps a bit of neuroticism.

As a side note, while I do still struggle with fears of failure and letting people down, it’s liberating to be at a point in life that not much embarrasses me anymore.

Anyway, I poured myself into tailoring a talk that would be meaningful, inspiring, relevant, and mildly entertaining. I was ready and felt great before, during, and after. It was an awesome event that I was proud to be a part of, and it felt good to be surrounded by wonderful and encouraging people committed to their work and improving themselves.

Enter Captain Darkness. 

I’m not one to do what they now call doom-scrolling social media, but I do check notifications and end up seeing a few surrounding posts that are product of engineered algorithms.  Shortly after the two-day event concluded, I happened across an abundance of very complimentary reactions to the event’s final presenter; an author and professional speaker who delivered the closing keynote.  And while I’m confident what I kicked off with the day prior was in line with the conference theme, well-received, and an appropriate bookend to the closing keynote, insecurity crept in. My mind carelessly drifted into the contemplation station and boarded the train of self-doubt.  Next stop: the canyon of comparison. Why?  Because I’m a self-conscious nit who sometimes foolishly (and unnecessarily) interprets people’s reactions with emotion and faulty logic. I don’t want to let people down, and I began thinking maybe I had.

I wasn’t good enough. I could have done better. I should have done better!

The thing is, I received great feedback.  But the demon of doubt and ogre of insecurity resting quietly for some time was awakened, fed, and standing at the door.    

This isn’t the first time I’ve struggled with insecurity, compared myself to others, or ruminated unnecessarily.  In fact, I’ve shared about all those things before. One of the last times I did, many of you reminded me there’s no need to compare myself to anyone. I’m grateful for the encouragement of friends who say things like that’s why they love me, that’s what inspires them, that they love me being me, that I’m solid, or that God made me special.

Oh, I’m special alright…

Sure, I’m not tall, dark, or handsome, a Knight in Shining Armor, a polished statesman, or a talented musician. I know where my identity ultimately comes from, and that identity is none of those. Nor is it pro hockey player, actor, radio broadcaster, engineer, scientist, or celebrity chef. Or professional speaker.

Each of those professionals become experts in their craft by honing their skills through hard work and years of practice. At least 10,000 hours, according to Malcolm Gladwell. It’s the same for you and me; just the calling and areas of expertise are different.

At the end of it all, I’m just an average-at-best goofball trying relentlessly to improve who enjoys serving others and giving back some of what I’ve seen, done, and experienced; and who feels obligated to share from the abundance of blessings I’ve received. I also happen to look and sound remarkably like Howdy Doody, which is most certainly why radio broadcasting and movie stardom didn’t work out.  If only I were a marionette.

But I can’t be someone I’m not, and neither can you.

A friend wisely concluded after decades of frustration and resentment toward his father that he would never be able to change him. He couldn’t expect his dad to be someone or something he isn’t.  Only then did he experience a sense of peace about their relationship he’d been searching for.

Wisdom involves knowledge, experience, and maturity.

I used to watch accomplished public or motivational speakers with awe and envy. I wanted to be like them; to captivate audiences and leave them moved, inspired, and wanting more. That still appeals to me, and I try my best (with questionable success) to make it so whenever I speak. But I have to realize that may not be my primary purpose in life. It certainly wasn’t when I was younger, as it would have been for purely selfish reasons like attention or adoration. If I’m being honest, those still appeal at some level below the surface of my psyche. But I’m older and (only slightly) wiser now. I know I’m blessed beyond what I deserve, and I know now it’s my responsibility to use those blessings to show the world how awesome God is, not to feel better about myself or show how great I am.

See, I believe God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things so others will see and believe. So as much as I secretly wish I was wittier, more handsome, famous, engaging, dignified and refined, or taken more seriously, the fact is I’m ordinary. Dare I say extra-ordinary. Definitely not extraordinary. And while I still battle occasional insecurity (article in point), God knows my heart, and is the only one I should be concerned about letting down.  He can and will use me just the way I am if I’ll just pay attention and get out of the way.

I don’t even get that right most of the time, by the way. People tend to do foolish things because of insecurity. I’m chief among them. Just ask, and budget plenty of time.

So, about this speaking gig. I don’t know if I did great or totally bombed. But I know I did my best.

I don’t need to be all things to all people. I just need to do the best I can, where I am, with what I have.  And I need not compare myself to anyone, especially the super-awesome closing speaker. I just want to mess up less and honor God more. I want the story of my life to show others his grace and love.

So, I’ll keep doing my best and forget the rest, as fitness guru Tony Horton says. My identity is from God, and he’s not done with me yet.

He’s not done with you, either. So let’s stop comparing and start doing.   

Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.