Do You Like Me? Yes__ No__
Before cell phones and social media, kids were known to write notes. In the case of that special crush, they might agonize over how to best communicate the proper level of adoration to the one they’d been spying in the lunchroom or on the playground. More often than not determining the title of this article was the best way forward, they would scribble the words on a piece of paper, fold it just right, and pass it to the love of their life through a trusted friend (who probably wished the note was for them).
The wrong answer was devastating.
Recently, a number of my friends, family, and colleagues have (again) sworn off social media. I can’t blame them. Typically their reasons for going dark involve too much drama or politics, unwanted opinions, or a lack of respect from loud-mouths with opinions contrary to theirs. I tend to ignore the nonsense and avoid being dragged down into it. Not that I don’t sometimes want to tee off on that ridiculousness, but I know where it will lead: a comment or reply, no matter how sensible, is unlikely to change anyone’s position or opinion on a matter. You can’t reason with the unreasonable. Still, the feelings of validation from ‘likes’ and encouraging comments is powerful.
This isn’t intended to be an essay on social media, but rather commentary on something linked to it that’s beyond my comprehension: social media ‘influencing’. I have yet to crack the code.
While I don’t understand what most ‘social media influencers’ are influencing or educating us on, I understand the draw; the response and number of followers is overwhelmingly linked to feelings of self-worth or self-efficacy. And apparently a lot of money.
Another code I haven’t cracked.
My intent with this venture has never been about money or followers. But one of my goals is to share insights, experiences, encourage, and provide of bit of entertainment to as many people as possible. I’ve linked a few social media accounts to this blog with increased visibility in mind. I appreciate every follower, and I’m particularly grateful for the small group of you who regularly like, comment, and share these articles. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me not to have a larger following or get more feedback.
“Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach” is a George Bernard Shaw quote most commonly used in derogatory fashion today. Yet some of the greatest doers are also some of the greatest teachers. I have been blessed to serve with some incredible leaders (some not so much), and have even held a few positions of influence and leadership myself. I’m certainly not ‘all that’ and have had a few missteps along the way, but I try hard to translate that experience, good or bad, into meaningful content. It’s not Pulitzer Prize stuff here, but I like to think it’s not a complete waste of time, either.
So why hasn’t this thing taken off like million-plus follower types The Minimalists (who I researched on how to create a blog) or thought-leaders like Simon Sinek? Or my just-for-fun Rhythm Section’s Guide to Mixology, which got more interaction to its first post than most of my blog posts? And what about the recent trend of widely followed middle-age women whose provocative selfies routinely garner tens-of-thousands of likes and comments? Maybe I need to start posting more of those ‘artistic’ selfies I took when struggling with self-confidence at the prospect of turning 50.
Or maybe I just need better marketing.
Realistically, no matter how important or influential we might think we are (or were) in the moment, people are fickle and most are quickly forgotten. Before retiring from the military, I was a senior leader responsible for thousands of enlisted members and helped direct national-level executive leadership training. Not even three years retired, I am seldom contacted nor do I receive notice of significant ceremonies or events expected by protocol and courtesy.
That hurts.
Today, success is often measured in followers, likes, and comments, so I can’t help doubt myself at times and the relevancy or value of Beyond Strength. And if a picture of me half-naked or a video of an overly made-up teenager telling us her life is over because the espresso machine is out has more impact than real, heartfelt, relevant, and proven life, leadership, and fitness principles shared by someone who’s been there, I may be out of ideas.
I want what I do here to be relevant and useful. I want to make a difference. It would be nice to be liked.
But here’s the thing: as much as I yearn for affirmation, I need to remember my worth doesn’t come from what I do or how many likes I get. And yours doesn’t either.
Our worth comes from God. The God whose son said “If you love me, keep my commandments.” (John 14.15).
The same Son who died on a cross to save us because none of us do.
I want you to like me. But I understand if you don’t.
Sometimes I don’t even like me.
Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.
Happy Father’s Day!
Wishing dads everywhere a very Happy Father’s Day today. Never underestimate the influence of a father (or father figure) in someone’s life.
Memorial Day: Lest We Forget
As Memorial Day approaches, I offer this encore presentation of Lest We Forget, originally posted this date in 2018. It is also available by audio at the SoundCloud or YouTube links provided below.
“By this we know love, because he laid down his life for us.” These are the words of the apostle John, written somewhere around A.D. 90. John was referring to Jesus Christ in the first half of that verse, but he goes on in the second half to say, “And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” (1 John 3:16). The next few verses of that passage articulate what I consider some of the most insightful facts about love ever documented, the bottom line of which is this: genuine love ALWAYS results in action…not just sentimental words. Memorial Day is a holiday through which we rightfully pause to remember the actions resulting in ultimate sacrifice by those defending freedom.
Since 1775, more than a million American service members have died in wars and conflicts to preserve the freedoms we hold dear, fighting for our independence. They helped create the world we live in and paved the long road of democracy we continue walking today. We all owe them our gratitude for the freedom to live, work, play, express our faith, and raise our families. I’m especially mindful today of those thousands of brave sons and daughters who paid the ultimate sacrifice fighting our nation’s wars…who died while preserving our way of life.
These men and women were some of America’s best and brightest. They gave their lives on the blood-soaked beaches of Normandy, in the jungles of the South Pacific, and over the skies of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan. They fought and died on the icy slopes of the Korean Peninsula and in the rice paddies of Vietnam. More recently, they have fought and fallen in the mountains of Afghanistan and in the deadly streets of Iraq. Only those who have seen the horrors of war firsthand can ever truly know what these Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines may have gone through in their final moments.
“…I think of all those guys killed in action, wounded in action, and their friends, their relatives and all those altered lives. How could I forget? It’s not so much what we went through as it is knowing what the other guys went through. They died dirty. They died hot, hungry and exhausted. They died thinking that their loved ones would never know how they died.” Clinton Poley, 2nd Platoon, Charlie Company, 1st Battalion, 7th Cavalry in the Ia Drang – as written in Lt. Gen. Harold G. Moore’s book We Were Soldiers Once…And Young.
Even though the technology of war has changed dramatically since the American Civil War, the risks and suffering has not. For brave Americans who bear that risk, no victory is free from sorrow. This nation’s men and women fight proudly, but we likewise know the price and weigh the cost each time we see another flag-draped coffin carrying the remains of another fallen hero home. I can tell you that having been there on the other end as some of those heroes began their journey back to the U.S., the loss is real…tangible…and tragic to those grieving, on both sides of the ocean.
It is humbling, and comforting, to realize that despite the known dangers, increased operations tempo, and unconventional enemy we now face, every member of the all-volunteer armed forces serving today has either enlisted or re-enlisted since September 11, 2001. And as of 2013, more than half of those serving were seasoned combat veterans.
“We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother;” – Shakespeare, Henry V, Act IV, Scene 3.
Those who have known combat make me think of the words from the Man in the Arena portion of Theodore Roosevelt’s ‘Citizenship in a Republic’ speech: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
America’s military has defended her throughout history with courage and honor. Our service members raised their right and swore an oath, knowing what they had to do and what that cost might be…the shedding of blood. Perhaps their own. They are humble servants, serving something greater than themselves. Remember the fallen…today and every day.
Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.
If you have an extra few minutes, I encourage you to watch this video about Air Force Pararescueman William Pitsenbarger, killed in action in Vietnam, April 1966. Video courtesy of the United States Air Force. http://www.airman.af.mil/HeritageToday/videoid/492074/dvpcc/false/#DVIDSVideoPlayer33885
I also encourage you to learn more about the high price Americans have paid in service to the nation by exploring the following link: https://www.va.gov/opa/publications/factsheets/fs_americas_wars.pdf
Some of the above is taken from speeches I have given at Memorial Day events, with some of that content originally derived from military Public Affairs Office talking points provided for consistent messaging by those speaking in an official capacity.
Man in the Arena quote retrieved from: https://www.leadershipnow.com/leadingblog/2010/04/theodore_roosevelts_the_man_in.html
Shakespeare quote retrieved from: http://shakespeare.mit.edu/henryv/henryv.4.3.html
Motivation Monday
Least Bad Option
If you stumbled across this article assuming it’s about the election or the last six months of political idiocy, it’s not. It’s actually about attitude, motivation, and inspiration. But keep reading! I’m certain you’ll find value, enjoyment and maybe even some parallels.
Pirates of the Caribbean character Captain Jack Sparrow is quoted saying “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.” It’s just coincidence that I was on the Caribbean coast of Mexico when the substance of this article emerged.
Being in Mexico resulted from a canceled cruise, but I wouldn’t call it a bad option. The weather, accommodations, surroundings, sustenance, and company were near-perfect. Conversely, as I write this it’s a snowy and windy nine degrees…to say I’d rather be back in Quintana Roo is an understatement. Nonetheless, as I try to warm my icy toes and glance out at blowing snow, I think back to a walk on the beach just a week-and-a-half ago.
Like some of you, I people-watch. Most anyone in the profession of arms will tell you people watching is not just a clumsy excuse husbands use when their eyes wander. For those trained to observe and expected to respond when things go bad, being on ‘constant alert’ becomes hard-wired and perpetual. I suspect it’s why many us us struggle to rest, unwind, or relax…especially in public spaces.
As I sought to ‘unwind’ on the beach, I noticed an athletically well-put-together, short-haired, middle-aged man smoothly striding the Mexican sand with stoic confidence. Were it not for wearing shorts, I would never have noticed his prosthetic lower left leg. The way he carried himself and combination of physical attributes convinced me he was a fellow combat veteran who’d paid a higher price than most. A chance meeting in the gym would later confirm my instant assessment was completely incorrect. But my new friend turned out to be no less impressive and inspirational.
I’ve built a notable gym and enjoy working out at home. I’m thankful to be self-motivated enough to consistently do so alone, but I don’t begrudge those who patronize gyms and derive motivation from it. In fact, it’s long been my desire to open one. But I can do without the posturing testosterone-festivals at some public gyms, where genetically ‘gifted’ beefcakes preoccupied with impressing others look down their flaring nostrils at average guys like me. Still, I sometimes find inspiration there. Mostly from humble, hard-working hard-gainers, unconcerned with attention-grabbing mating rituals. Such was the case with Greg.
He was there to work; harder than most. The fact that he is an amputee made no difference, yet made all the difference. I watched Greg’s presence raise the level-of-effort throughout the gym, mine included. By the time I introduced myself, he was cooling down on a recumbent bike, still sweating more than me. I thanked him for the inspiration and asked, “Was it one of the three ‘Cs’ – cancer, combat, childhood injury?”
There was no hint of annoyance with my imposition, nor hesitation with his answer. He smiled and replied “You forgot diabetes and motorcycle crash. Those are the two I get most often.”
It was a motorcycle crash; broadsided by a car that ran a red light.
Greg freely shared his story there in the gym, and poolside as we chatted off and on the next few days. I quickly came to appreciate and respect his disposition, the human being he is, and what he does to counsel others who’ve suffered catastrophic injuries.
In his book Call Sign Chaos, Jim Mattis quotes a writing by President Thomas Jefferson that reads, “What is good in this case cannot be effected. We have, therefore, only to find out what will be least bad.” According to Mattis, Jefferson was speaking of how to deal with England in 1807.
The context is clearly different, and I don’t presume to speak for Greg. But in my conversations with him, I understood that for three years he underwent recommended surgeries in attempts to preserve his damaged limb. He told me having it removed was one of the best decisions of his life. In his case the ‘good’ could not be effected. His lower leg and foot, despite being ‘preserved’, did not function properly. Amputation, while perhaps the ‘least bad’ option to him at the time, ultimately became the best solution. It’s tough to argue that truth when you see Greg walking down the beach, jumping in the pool, or out-sweating others in the gym. By the way, he still loves to waterski.
Truth is, I wasn’t most stirred by how Greg carried himself, his impressive physical shape, or even his tolerance of a stranger interrupting his workout to ask personal questions. It was his humble spirit and positive attitude. I noted many nuggets of wisdom as we talked, but the one that stuck with me most went something like this: ‘I’ve always believed there’s no sense feeling sorry for yourself…you just gotta pick yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going’.
Well said, Greg. And well-lived. I hope to go skiing with you in South Texas sometime.
Keep doing great things!
Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.
Mattis, J.N. & West, F.J. (2019). Call sign chaos. New York, NY: Random House.
Six Foot Cup (Video Preview)
Discipline of Fools
My dad was a career radio and television personality. Because he was a local celebrity, I had the privilege of growing up backstage or in the audience of countless shows of all kinds. Musicals, concerts, stage plays, Barbershop shows, and vaudeville acts to name a few. I spent many hours watching my dad on the radio as others listened, and off-set as he delivered the evening news in front of the cameras. I loved every minute of it, and grew to appreciate the performing arts, stage and screen entertainment of all sorts, and the joy that entertaining others brings.
I recognized that joy early in life and jumped at every opportunity to entertain…myself and others. From being a class clown at times to voluntarily joining (then) somewhat unconventional activities like choir, plays, mini-musicals, dramas, etc., it turned out Drama was one of my favorite high school classes. I found the most joy in life at that time both entertaining and being entertained, mostly by people and things that made me laugh. I loved attending our annual high school Follies! I was so enthralled by the emcees (a privilege reserved for seniors), who creatively cracked wise as they bought time between acts, that my goal in life became to emcee those follies. That opportunity came and remains one of my fondest high school memories! Seeing, hearing, and feeling the audience respond with joy and laughter to our shenanigans was intoxicating. But as entertainers know, it’s not easy to stay in character. For what you work hard to make entertaining for the audience is likewise entertaining to you, too. Folly takes discipline!
But if you watched my video preview to this article, you know I wasn’t talking about those types of follies.
Nonetheless, there are parallels when considering the relationship of discipline to acting out and there is an abundance of wisdom throughout the Bible concerning each. Solomon, considered perhaps the wisest man ever and author of many of the proverbs, wrote a lot about paying attention to the correction of your parents (obedience takes discipline!), that a parent who loves their child will ‘discipline him promptly’ (13.24), and how “Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path…” (15.10). Discipline here is correction, not punishiment. But I’m not talking about correction for something you’ve done wrong or administering discipline to your children. Apostle Paul wrote of disciplining his body as an athlete, training it to do what it should (1 Cor 9.27). That’s the type of discipline I am writing about…self-discipline of mind, body, and spirit.
And discipline isn’t easy! There are relationships between self-discipline and the effects a lack thereof can have on your physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological well-being…often leading to folly and all other sorts of problems.
When I fail to exercise discipline at the dinner table or snack bar, my physical appearance and overall health can suffer. When I fail to manage (discipline) my time, pretty much all of the other areas suffer. For instance, I don’t give proper attention to quiet time which effects my spiritual life; I skip the gym or other physical activity which effects my body; my stress increases at home and at work which has a negative impact on my emotional and psychological well-being (and my relationships). When I don’t discipline my emotions I can get upset, edgy, angry, or unhappy. When I don’t discipline my thought life, my mind wanders. Folly (sometimes worse) can ensue.
Do you have disciplinary problems? I’ll give you one guess which of them looms largest in my life. Correct, all of them! Actually it’s my thought life (as you probably suspected). Still, I believe they are all related on some level. For example, when I have failed to discipline my time, I miss my workouts. When I miss workouts I get edgy or start feeling out of shape and less appealing. When I feel that way I can become more insecure, unhappy, or stressed. When I’m insecure, unhappy, or stressed my relationships suffer and I become more introverted. When that happens I just want to feel better. My thoughts look for excitement, adventure, pleasure, or a happier place for a while. I need some ‘Calgon, take me away’ or Southwest Airlines ‘Wanna get away?’ moments. For some people, those moments relate to thoughts of travel to exotic places, reflecting on fond memories, shopping, or researching the latest Pinterest craze. Unfortunately, my thought life pretty much defaults to foolishness and much less wholesome things. I expect I’m not alone.
And as if some sick cosmic joke is needed to confirm the interconnectedness of disciplinary weakness to folly, the cycle repeats the very next time I fail to exercise proper discipline. And as dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. (Proverbs 26.11)
I need help…maybe you do too. Let’s help each other Get Strong, Be Strong, and Stay Strong.
Discipline of Fools (Video Preview)
My upcoming article will look at discipline of body, mind, and spirit – and how folly still finds its way in. Enjoy this video preview.
Egos & Empires
I recently attended the retirement celebration of a former supervisor, colleague, and long-time friend. It is not an understatement to say he defines what a great leader should be. He’s visionary, courageous, decisive, passionate, genuine, caring, and humble to a fault. For instance, his estimation that a lack of interest in attending would result in cancellation of the festivities couldn’t have been more wrong. The formal program lasted easily more than three hours, due to the high number of presenters showering him with gifts and publicly testifying to this man’s impact on their lives and careers. Each speaker offered an oration intended to communicate that which could never be done adequately; what an amazing human being and leader he is.
I am not exaggerating when I say this man is unanimously regarded as one of the most (if not THE most) respected leaders in recent history of his organization. To put that into perspective, consider this: I help facilitate a three-week leadership course sponsored by a leading international police organization. It has been administered twice a year in my organization since 2012, accounting for over 500 participants so far. Non-attribution is one of the rules of engagement, wherein participants sharing examples of horrible bosses are not to identify said example. However, when leaders or situations defining great leadership are shared, names are permitted. The man I write of is mentioned by name easily tenfold more often than anyone else as epitomizing great leadership. Tenfold is probably an understatement. This man doesn’t just talk the talk, he walks it.
I’m not certain whether his quintessential leadership aplomb is conscious and deliberate, or just a natural byproduct of genuinely caring about people. Either way, that’s how it should be done.
Influential leaders inspire others to follow, regardless of the rank or position they hold. Poor leaders, task masters, and leadership ‘posers’ use rank, position, power, control and intimidation to compel others to follow them. There’s often an obvious lack of loyalty to any position, specialty, boss, or colleague in favor of the next promotion…again regardless of the position, speciality, boss, or colleague. We often see them smugly look down their nose as they over-estimate their own importance and qualifications while underestimating their subordinates’; arbitrarily or unnecessarily change structure or policy; or spew laudatory comparisons between themselves and truly great leaders as if they, themselves, sould be considered in the same realm. The reality is that most aren’t even in the same solar system. I’m not sure which is worse: a person who falsely believes they are a great leader and thus sees no need to change, or the person who doesn’t care whether they are or not.
Sadly, they are often recognized by the debris field of broken spirits and shattered career aspirations they leave behind as they move through the organization. For it is in their zeal to advance their own agenda, add to their bankroll, increase their status, keep shining subordinates whom they feel threatened by appropriately oppressed, or build a personal empire that these types of ‘leaders’ leave a wake of destruction behind. You know the cliche…managers manage things; leaders lead people. They’re not leaders.
When a leader truly cares about people, those people’s careers, and how the two can be married-to-the-mission in a win-win for all, moving up the corporate ladder is only and always a means for making people and the organization better through wider influence. It’s never about themselves.
I’ve heard you should be careful who you step on during your climb to the top, because you’ll need those people when you get there, and you’re surely going pass them again on your way down. Chances are pretty good they’ll remember how you treated them.
So how can organizations can stop the hemorrhaging of decent, high quality, hardworking, dedicated people from the organization? I’m talking about the ones tired of being victimized, under appreciated, and underutilized by mangers like that…often in favor of inexperienced, under qualified ‘in-groupers’ simply because they’ve had a sponsor helping them along in the organization. I would love to know your thoughts.
The respected leader I started with built an empire of respect, caring, professionalism, and adoration. He leaves a legacy, quite unintentionally, made up of followers who would do just that – follow him. Anywhere, anytime, and under any circumstance. I pray for more leaders like that in every organization so at some point in the future, empires built of egos, on foundations of self-serving motives, fall into extinction. When that happens, those who rise to prominence simply by knowing the right people – and caring about none – will cease to prosper.
Better still, that they would humble themselves and become leaders worthy of their position and responsibility.
Like Kevin.
Get Strong. Be Strong. Stay Strong.